The Concert

For those of you who have asked about the concert and our week away. Here is the story.

We arrived at the concert at BC Place in Vancouver and I was overwhelmed by the masses of people. I don’t do crowds well at all, but The Man had his arm around me and held me close as we wove our way through the people rubbernecking and oohing and aahing over the t-shirts and memorabilia on display near the entrance.

First of all – our tickets cost $225.00 for the two of us and they were in the nosebleed section. Never having been to the BC Place – The Man decided to ask at information where our seats were. The man behind the counter took our tickets – looked at them and then turned around and picked up some others and handed them to us. He said – these are right over there – enjoy.

He had traded our seats in the nosebleeds for seats that were 20 rows away from center stage! They cost $225.00 each! We were astounded!

As we sat in our seats stunned by our sudden fortune – a mother and daughter team came along and sat beside us. Their conversation went along the lines of what great seats they were. It turned out that the daughter had gone to the information desk and asked if they could trade in their tickets on an upgrade! And the same man had given them the seats right next to us. So someone had upgraded their tickets and the four of us got lucky!

The concert started soon after that and a man named Gordie Brown came on stage for the warmup. He was funny and great and we all got into the spirit of the thing. He was an impressionist who sang like other performers and he did it all with such humour he had us all laughing and clapping along with him.





While he performed – two girls came in and sat directly behind The Man and myself. The one girl was on her cellphone and yelling into it that she was at the concert and held it out for whomever to listen! I thought – okay – she’s all excited – I’ll let it go.

Then Celine came on stage and the crowd went insane! She started by singing ‘I drove all night’ and the girl behind The Man sang along at the top of her voice! I could feel the tension in my back and in my mind building and I was gripping the arm of the seat. I always seem to sit in front of someone who talks through everything! When Celine launched into her second song and the girl behind started to sing along again – well I had had it! I turned around with a huge smile on my face and tapped her on the knee and she leaned forward – singing at the top of her voice.

“I paid to listen to Celine Dion” I said with a sweet smile on my face.

“So did I!” she yelled in between singing – she didn’t even take a breath to say it!

“Yes!” I said – the smile leaving my face. “Not to you.”

And that was it. She shut up and never said another word.

People around leaned forward and flashed me grateful smiles. I told the girl sitting beside me what I had said and she laughed with delight and told her mother who also burst out laughing!

We didn’t have our camera with us, but my new-found friend next to me did. (and no - unfortunately Andrea Bocelli was not actually singing along with her in person - but it looked great!)

“Make sure you get a picture of her shoes,” I said very quietly as she snapped away.

“You’re right! They’re fantastic aren’t they?”

Then she asked for my email address during a ‘scene change’ and I handed it over! She sent me 41 pictures of the concert and I have a new found friend!

So – here are some of the pics she sent me. The show was incredible! Celine’s voice was incredible! And I only cried right at the end when she sang the Titanic song. I couldn’t help it! I didn’t know until we got back to the trailer that I had smudged my mascara onto my cheek – but I didn’t care.

Thank you Kris for sending me these and thank you for not talking or singing all through the performance.


I really believe that if you pay to see a movie or listen to a performer – then that is what you should get. If that girl behind us could sing like Celine – well then I would have been happy to pay to listen to her perform. But believe me – she couldn’t. And when it comes to telling people to be quiet at something like this – then I’ll do it! It’s my right to get what I paid for.

Memory Dance

I just want to say thank you - again - to everyone for all their kind words and thoughts.

Grief and memory are such personal things, yet I have opened my heart here and in turn I’ve received so many wonderful words of support from everyone.

Here it is now 2 weeks since my beloved Dolly died and I have to admit I am no farther ahead in getting over her death than I was two weeks ago. I know that it is all part and parcel of my breakdown and the fragility of my mind since then. I became a different person after my breakdown – a nicer person I think – but still a different person. And her death has affected me like a sledgehammer to the head.

Dolly meant so much to me as we shared our days together. Before The Man - there was Dolly. Now I hate the mornings as Dolly and I had a routine. She would get me up and I would feed her. She was very talkative in the morning and much fun. She made me smile every day and often made me laugh out loud. As I spend nearly all of my time at home – alone while The Man works – I spent most of that time talking to Dolly and playing with her as I worked around the house. Now that is gone and what fill those times are tears.

Still more time is needed for me. As with Cid my grief does go on and on. He died 7 years ago and I can mourn like it was yesterday.

I missed last week’s Candle Ceremony at the Rainbow Bridge as my brother was here to pick up his cats. Tonight I will not miss it. Sharing with others who feel the same way has to be rewarding and helpful. I look forward to it.

I wrote the following this past week. It's not finished, I feel that in my heart - but it's a start.

Memory Dance

There’s a dance that we dance, alone in our heads, our arms extended and our eyes closed.

There’s a dance we swing to, sway to, sashay to.

There’s a dance we sing to, hum along to, play to.

It’s called the dance of memory, of misery, of angst.
It’s hidden inside each of us, deep down, and fearful.

It comes without calling, sliding and moaning.
It comes at our bidding, skipping and shouting.
It comes and it takes us, back and beyond.
It comes and it makes us sometimes sadder sometimes gladder.

It comes from life. From experiences. From love.
It comes and it dances inside of our heads.

It’s the dance of memory, and it plays with my head.

A Week of Grief

A week has gone by and I am numb.

I just wanted to thank everyone for their kind comments and emails. All of them have touched me deeply and I am grateful for the kindness of all of you.

Tonight I am joining in the candle ceremony at the Rainbow Bridge. I have my three candles prepared and I have put Dolly’s name on the Bridgelist. I know that Dolly and Deeb are going to be waiting for The Man and myself when we can finally join them.

Some of you might say – all this over a pet?

I say – No. It’s just not a pet.

It’s the loss of an unconditional love that I had for 16 years.

Anyone who has loved a pet knows what I am talking about. The love you get back from an animal is unconditional. They don’t have to love us. They could just be animals. But if they do – then you are blessed.

And I was blessed. Believe me.

After years of abuse and illness – to have this kind of love was a gift to my heart.

Today my brother arrives to take home his 3 cats that I have been babysitting. I know that tomorrow the silence will stretch out and hammer home the emptiness of this house and of my heart. In a way I am looking forward to it. Then I can perhaps deal with this loss. Maybe not.

Every night I have gone to bed and looked for Dolly. I’ve caught myself listening for her footsteps and I’ve had to stop myself from getting out of bed and going to get her. I have a small clump of her fur that I hold in my hand when I go to sleep. I often wake up still holding it or it is under my pillow. It gives me a tiny bit of peace as I stare into the darkness.

So what is grief?

Grief is what I see when I look in the mirror - green eyes awash in watery seas of sadness.
Grief are the lines on my face and the way my mouth droops at the corners.
Grief is my heart – aching – yet still beating - reminding me every second of loss.
Grief is being suicidal and then stepping back from the abyss – but remembering the aching to take that step and have the grief go away.
Grief is realizing that forever is just the doorstep to eternity.
Grief is tomorrow. Grief is me.

I know it will get better. I do know that.

Why?

Why?

Why does love have to hurt so much?

Why does it have to be so fleeting?

Why does love make your heart cleave in half and fall apart? What do you do with that huge hole that is left?

Why does love strangle your brain with emotions that should never occur to anyone?

Who decided that this was love? Who decided that we are just marionettes in some master game? Who decided to taunt us with fleeting happiness? Who thought life should be something that is built up – then smashed when it is going good – then taunted with the hope of something in the future?

Why do I just want to lie down and give up one last breath and let go?

Why do I lie awake all night and stare through the dark at nothing?

Why are tears endless?

Why does everything I love get taken away when I have had so little in my life?

Am I a bad person? Did I do something to deserve this kind of hell on earth?

Why and who am I angry with or at? Me? God? Is there a God? If there is – why is he so cruel? Why is life so unfair?

Why put these angels here on earth only to take them away so quickly and so cruelly?

Why give us hearts at all if they are only toys to break at a whim?

Why do we do this?

What is death? Do we go somewhere afterwards? Do we wait somewhere on the other side of that horizon? Do we all get together afterwards and get to be happy forever? Is happy a true feeling? Is love?

WHY? DAMN IT! WHY?

Why does love hurt so much? Will the pain really ever go away?

Why?

Is this some kind of insane grieving or just some kind of insanity? (at this point I really don't know)
And do I really want to know the answer?

Goodbye My Dolly

Passed away at 8pm October 27, 2008


Taking with her my heart for always and forever.

A Much Needed Break

The Man and I have not had a holiday for two years. He is burnt out from a very stressful job and I am burnt out from watching him get into this state and from Dolly's condition.

I believe it was 6 months ago that The Man handed me 2 tickets to see Celine Dion in Vancouver. He had tried to get tickets for Edmonton which is only a 2 hour drive from here - but they were sold out. So he opted for Vancouver. At the time we didn't know any of this would be going on or those tickets wouldn't have been purchased.

Some of you may ask why we would want to see Celine Dion. The Man goes to watch my face and to see how happy a concert like this makes me. As for me? I admire Ms. Dion greatly. I remember when she was a young girl and they played her first release (in French) on the radio. They said to watch this girl as she was going to go places. I have admired her dedication to her craft and to her husband and now her son. She has gone for what she wanted and she has more than excelled at it. Being Canadian adds to my admiration for we don't have a ton of people in this country who have gone out and shone like Ms. Dion. Then of course there is her ability to sing. She has an incredible set of pipes on her.

We went to see her show in Vegas at Ceasar's Palace and we were both blown away. It was incredible! We didn't know what to expect when we sat down in that unbelievable theater, but I sat there with tears streaming down my face for half of the performance and my mouth open in wonder at the other half. I know she sometimes seems like a hick who is overdoing the emotions - but to watch her face at the end of the show and see how touched she was by our admiration - well.... I believed the tears she had in her eyes were real. Those are hard to fake.

So now that she is touring again we thought it would be neat to see what kind of show she puts on out on the road. We'll be finding out on Tuesday night at the BC Place in Vancouver.

As it works out, my brother is leaving for his two-week holiday on the same day we are leaving for Vancouver. He has 3 cats. Two of them are beautiful Himalayans and of course his cats are his children as well.

So his three cats arrived on Thursday and they will remain here while we go away. My dear friend who lives right down the street and who was my roommate on the hall is going to look after my brother's cats while we take Dolly with us. Bless her soul for her generosity. My friend has such a huge heart and I know she will look after these precious angels like they were her own. Friends like that are hard to find. I remember very well the doctors telling us that making friends with a fellow nutcase is the worst thing in the world to do. We have proved them wrong on so many counts.

As for taking Dolly with us? There is no way I could leave her behind - even with the best of care. I would fall apart being away from her and not knowing how she is doing. Dolly has slept with her head on my pillow and her little furry body spooned into my chest - every single night for 16 years. We both think it's the best part of the day.

I actually got up the nerve to take her to the vet myself on Wednesday. Her problem at the moment is constipation and she is on enough laxatives to clean out a horse. On top of that she needs to be hydrated to give her enough fluids to help move things along and of course it makes her nauseous. I am unable to do something like that. My nerves just won't let me. So The Man went over and got a lesson on how to do it and he has been giving her fluids twice a day and will continue to do so until she poops regularly. Injecting fluids under the skin just makes me nauseous myself.

I was shaking so hard when I took her into the vets and of course it made her shake as well. Even with the xanax that the doctor prescibed for me - well - I'm just getting by.

I've got multiple whammies to deal with concerning this trip. I am terrified of leaving the barn for extended periods of time. I can go out and come back in as long as it is someplace familiar that I am going. If not then I get all panicky and nauseous. So that is one. Dolly's health and the fact that she has never travelled anywhere except to the vets is two. The third is the fact that I won't be able to keep up my production knitting while we travel and that the date of the huge craft shows looms closer by the second.

The only thing that keeps me sort of safe is the fact that we are towing our little house behind us and we can stop at any time and I can go and sit in it. Our little 13 foot trailer is going to be right behind our car and The Man is going to be sitting right beside me and Dolly is going to be on my lap.

Now if all this sounds a bit muddled it's because I didn't sleep last night with the anxiety of it all. Today I have to pack the trailer and prepare food and somehow fit some knitting into my day. I will be taking yarn to work on bears while we drive. We will be picking up my 90 yr. old aunt who lives in Vancouver and taking her over to Vancouver Island and dropping her off at her 79 yr. old brother's. They are the only 2 children left out of 5. We will visit with them both then until Tuesday morning and then we will catch the ferry back to Vancouver and go to the concert. Providing Dolly's health remains stable, we will spend Wednesday just shopping on Robson Street and Granville Island. Then we'll wander back home. It's a minimum 11 hour drive as the crow flies - we'll be taking much longer than that.

All of that sounds lovely doesn't it? You can't imagine how stressed I am over it. Fortunately The Man recognizes that in me and he wraps his arms around me and holds me tight - trying to relieve my anxiety. If I had my druthers - I'd have Ms. Dion give a concert in the barn and I'd be a happy gal.

So all of this to tell you I will be away from blogging for a week.

Plus - I want to thank all of you for your lovely comments and your thoughts about Dolly. I wish I could put into words how much every single comment means to me. Thank you.

Catch you on the flip side!

My Dolly

This is Dolly.

She is about 16 years old and I have had her since she was a kitten.

We lost her brother last year just before Christmas because of renal failure.

Now Dolly has been diagnosed with it.

She isn't feeling very well these days and has lost a lot of weight. Medications that the doctors had her on have killed her appetite and I am struggling with my anxiety over this. Struggling so much that I have broken down and asked my own doctor for something for anxiety as I am having trouble coping. Part of this is due to my past mental breakdown. I always knew there would be something that might trigger it again and Dolly's illness is it.

She doesn't seem to be in any pain and I won't go through what we did with Deeb last year. It is just not fair.

At the moment I am doing everything I can for Dolly and I don't feel much like blogging. When the mood strikes and perhaps while Dolly is napping - I'll get on with the story. Until then - pray for Dolly and for me too.