Saturday, December 22, 2007

The Truth of the Matter Is -

Here's the absolute truth about this whole situation. I blame myself.

I could never have children. I was born with a mushy, useless uterus. When I was 26 they removed it. I felt then that God was punishing me for not being a good Christian.

So I turned to pets. Dogs for a bit - but when my last dog was poisoned with anti-freeze by the foster kid who lived across the street - I couldn't imagine going through that anymore. The vets put that dog on IV too - just like Deeb - and it never made any difference then either.

We've always had cats in our family. Something that you could actually hold and cuddle - like a baby - a forever baby.

When I got these two cats - they were from the same litter. Deeb got so upset when I took his sister Dolly out of the cage to look at her. I couldn't separate the two because of it. Now Dolly is looking for her brother - and it's heartbreaking.

Deeb had kidney problems very early on. I use to get so mad at him for peeing on everything. Finally I realized he was in pain and had to pee - somewhere - anywhere.
I tried a naturopathic medicine to dissolve the kidney stones. It eventually got rid of the blood - but not the disease.

When he started to lose weight - I tried to ignore it. I didn't want the vet telling me that the end was near. I didn't want to take him there and frighten him - or worse - leave him. Which is what eventually happened. When 'The Man' first moved in - he was terribly allergic to cats. But he hugged them anyway. Deeb took to him - attached himself to him. Which was fine with me. Dolly has always been my favorite. More cuddly - wants more attention - sleeps with her head on my pillow - her little body tucked up against my chest.

And I was always the one who found the pee - and cleaned it up. Men just don't look for those kind of things - or wake up in the night when the cat howled with the pain of bloody urine.

When the vet said that Deeb was in extreme kidney failure - I started to pray. Having been brought up Baptist - I prayed to God. I prayed he would heal him - give him more time - more years to be specific - as I actually thought God would play a cruel trick and make it days if I wasn't specific. I prayed for a miracle - a miracle that I wouldn't tell anyone about - but just a miracle - to heal his kidneys and give him more years that we could share with him. I begged. I pleaded. Baptists can't offer to say Hail Marys or become priests. They can only feel guilty. So I admitted my guilt in my lapse of religion. I admitted I wasn't a good church-going person - but I did point out that I wasn't a bad person. And that I loved this special little creature through all of his problems and all of the damage he has done over almost 15 years. And I pointed out how much 'The Man' loved him. Do it at least for 'The Man' - who has to be the 'goodest' person that I know of.

But - it didn't work. God must be busy with Christmas and all that.

Not only am I feeling 'beyond sad' - I'm feeling guilty. Guilty for not having spent $2000.00 three years ago for the vet to send him to the big city where they would operate and remove the stones (but they wouldn't be able to get rid of the disease).

I'm feeling guilty that I couldn't have children.

I'm feeling guilty about yelling at Deeb when he peed on the curtains and all the other places. (it became harder to find as his urine eventually lost all its smell-and finally he didn't do it anymore - and stupid me thought he was all better).

I feel guilty for not being able to take him to the vets and making 'The Man' do it - and then watching his heart shatter.

I feel guilty that I couldn't make myself go visit him when he was at the vet's for 3 days on IV - and all alone. I didn't want him to think we had abandoned him - but I couldn't go in there.

I feel guilty that 'The Man' had to have him put out of his agony - which has added to ours. And I feel guilty that I can't take 'The Man's' pain away - because I'm being too selfish about my own.

Some will say - it was only a cat. And in reply I say - no - he was our child - one of our babies.

I feel like my ambivalence towards a religion that shoves God down your throat has proved that God will turn around and bite you in the ass for having looked away. This will raise a furor in the realms of the religious - but I feel like I've paid my dues so many times over - that I could've been given one tiny break. And right now I'm thinking that maybe I can only get one and I better not waste be careful.

In a few days I will feel better. Still sad - but better. I don't think the guilt will go away - as I'm pretty good at flogging myself. Probably from the years of the mental and physical floggings I've endured...but I'm still good at it.

I would rather go to sleep and dream of how happy 'The Man' looked holding Deeb up against his chest as Deeb tucked his head under the big guy's chin and purred loud enough to fill the room. He never purred for me - just for 'The Man'....and that was okay - it made 'The Man' extremely happy.

Perhaps I should be thankful for the years we had with Deeb. But all I keep saying is that it's cruel that they live for so short a time.

Why put angels among us if they are only going to be yanked back home again?

I look at Dolly and remember I use to think - Well there is Dolly - where is Deeb? Now I look at Dolly and see a huge empty space where her brother lived and loved. And I see a huge empty space in my heart where sorrow and guilt compete with each other.

This is the truth - the whole truth - and nothing but the truth. So help me God.


Anonymous said...

Hi Aims, I have noticed you over at Stinking Billy's place for a while now and thought it was about time I popped in. I love your blog and would like to visit regularly if you don't mind.

I am so very sorry that my first visit is to read such sorrow and pain in your lives. I know just what you mean about pets. I am a total animal lover, we have 2 dogs and 1 cat plus various farm animals as we live on a large sheep farm. I have lost many dogs in the past and it is truly heartbreaking. My sympathy is with you and I hope the light will soon shine at the end the tunnel in which you may be.

Best wishes, Crystal xx

Anonymous said...

You know I'll set up a googly when I'm ready Aims...but look up at the sky and you'll see Deeb soaring like a kitten, flying among the stars ...dancing on moonbeams....purring...and then nestling in the laps of Jesus, Mary, Joseph...Buddha...Mohammed...Spirit...

Anonymous said...

geez..I had no clue it was dec and Dave must me on the same wave's Saturday, right...oh, I'm anonymous...goes with my cloak and dagger go to go down the hill byee 4 now...

Lane said...

Oh Aims, how heart breaking. Please don't flog yourself any more with guilt. You loved Deeb with all your heart and that's the most important thing.

She's waiting for you somewhere peaceful and beautiful.

dulwichmum said...

Hi lovely Aims,

How very heartbreaking. I adore my lovely cats - they are just like children. Dont beat yourself up, you are a good person. Please be kind to yourself. Hugs X.


laurie said...

aims, my dear, god has nothing to do with it. and there's nothing for you to feel guilty about. you took in deebs, you loved her, you raised her as your own baby. she got sick. not your fault. we are not always strong enough to do everything, but it sounds like you did more than your share.

god is big picture. god doesn't make cats sick. nor, i think, does he make them well. he's busy with the stars in the sky...

it's awful to lose a beloved pet. you've lost two now. it's painful. you'll get through it. but don't beat yourself up. none of this was your doing.

you hang in there, dear.

I Beatrice said...

Oh, but Aims dear, no cat could have been more warmly loved, or more sincerely (more exquisitely!)mourned....

That was a Hymn of praise you wrote for Deeb - a love song, a regular Song of Songs!

You have nothing whatever to reproach yourself with. Try this little remedy for self-reproach and crippling doubt. Replace every negative thought with a positive one. Do it on the instant that the negative thought has broken, so it doesn't stand a chance! It has always worked for me....

Thank you so much for the delightful animated Christmas card, which brightened my morning so. I'd have sent one back to you, but seem to have lost your email address. But I wish you and The Man and Dolly a very happy Christmas nonetheless. I shall be thinking of you.

(I won't be around much any more - have already started out on "Macauley: the Edited Version", and am feeling very thrilled and excited about it. I mean to try to write it on a website (when I've got one set up), so shall let you know where it is to be found when/if the time comes.)

Debra in France said...

Hi Aims, you have NOTHING to feel guilty about. Deeb was so incredibly loved and treasured, and she had a wonderfully happy life with you. Unfortunately death is a fact of life but it is the way we live and love that matters. You cherished her and she knew it.

We have cats and they are our children, as we don't have human children. We have had 3 cats die and one go missing. I still ache for them, but have got to the point now that the intense pain has gone and I can remember all the fun things they did. They will always be part of me and OH.

With love Debs x

Casdok said...

Such a sad poet, but you have nothing to feel giulty about.

softinthehead said...

Aims you can tell how much you loved Deeb. Try to think of all the happy times, I know there must be plenty. My thoughts are with you.

Breezy said...

Aims and The Man - No words of wisdom just the biggest warmest most comforting hug. I am so sorry for the loss and grief you are feeling I wish no one ever had to feel that way

Henry North London said...

Unfortunately dogs and cats are not with us forever... They come for a short time to enrich our lives and we do ourselves proud to have had them even for a short time...

Mine is 3 now and has already had 25% of her breed's time on this earth... so I take the view enjoy while you can and dont worry about when they go, it means that some other pet or baby is waiting for you to take them up. Take it easy and when you feel able get another sister or brother for Dolly.
Don't on any account beat yourself up though.

aims said...

Thank you all for your support and kind words.

I awoke Christmas morning to the sound of 'The Man' crying softly -

I realize that going through the familiar motions without our beloved pet will slowly make it less blaringly obvious that he isn't with us anymore and that we will start talking about the good times eventually. As of now - we aren't - in fact we can't even speak his name yet.

However - we have turned our faces forward now and will go on - loving Dolly extra as she is so precious.

swampy said...

Oh, I feel your pain. If you ever have time to come visit my place, look on the left side bar for Junior's picture. Click on it and his story is there. I think you'll relate to it. Hugs to you. No guilt.