Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Does This Blog Post Make Me Look Angry - Part Two

My last post asked if it made me look angry. And most of you agreed that it did. That anger has waned to a near defeated attitude. Let me tell you why.

Yesterday I was at the medical clinic, sitting in the little examining room. I could hear quite clearly my doctor talking on the phone in his office. It was apparent that he was talking to someone who was having mental difficulties. As I sat there listening, I could feel my anxiety level rising to such a degree that I wanted to flee. My hands started to shake and I found I was close to panting so I forced myself to take deep breaths – in and out – in and out. I kept telling myself that I could handle this – I could! I had come so far over the years that I couldn’t let a simple telephone call destroy me.

As I sat there, trying not to listen, I heard my doctor tell the person that he probably couldn’t help them because they had not come into the office to see him, instead the person had chosen to drive to the psychiatric hospital in Alberta where they had refused to help. They had insisted that the personal physician be called first. That call is what I was overhearing.

As a result, my doctor ended up calling my former psychiatrist. I could overhear that call as well and I could tell that the poor person sitting in a car in distress was not going to get the help that was needed. I was right. Apparently no beds were available in the psychiatric unit on which I resided for nine months. Great. Up went my anxiety once more. Not only from hearing the psychiatrists name but also from knowing how the person in distress was going to react. For me it takes quite a bit of courage to go to my doctor for any medical reason. My anxiety level goes sky high and even writing about it makes my hands shake. I don't think I could do it for a mental distress reason. I just couldn't make myself go let alone try and sit in a waiting room full of people and then try and talk to my doctor. No. I know right now it's not going to happen that way for me.

Another call then took place to my doctor’s nurse who sat just down the hall from me. She had to call the person and tell them no help was available and that he had to voluntarily ask that he be committed to the psychiatric hospital. We all know where that leads.

When I was on the psychiatric unit I was threatened with incarceration in that hospital. It scared the hell out of me. Or should I say it scared me into sanity. We all know of the movie One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. Those stories don’t get told without some kind of history behind them. Sure it was Hollywood and Jack did a fabulous job didn’t he? Wow. But don’t put me in that hospital. Ever.

So – my heart ached for the person on the other end of the line and I looked at my doctor in a different light. Where is the compassion needed for us? For those of us who are falling through the cracks of life. Whose fingernails are broken because they’ve been holding on to the edge for far too long? Where is the simple compassion needed to get us help. To get someone to talk to us – to talk us down from the edge of the building, from the edge of the blade, from the burn of the rope? Why are we being left out in the cold and the dark amidst the monsters to fend for ourselves. Why does a simple cold deserve more attention than a mind that is breaking into little pieces.

Last week a champion died. Eunice Shriver – the champion and hero of many, a fearless warrior for the voiceless and the woman who founded the Special Olympics. A woman – all on her own - who asked what we have done today to better the world. She leaves behind a massive hole that will probably never be filled by anyone. Shoes too big for even two. How I wish I had known her personally. How I wish there was someone like her to help with the fight for the rest of us.

So today I feel almost defeated. I know that if my mind slips again to that point where I can’t reel it back in, that I am in trouble. Today our Canadian doctors are uneasy. The United States has pointed so many fingers at our system that everyone now is evaluating what is being done here in our country.

It has never been the best or even close to perfect. But I felt that help was easier to find. Now I don’t know what is going on. One of my own medical conditions has me waiting to see a specialist in February. Just rushing me in!

So if my mind fails again what will happen to me? What is going to happen to that person on the other end of the line?

I used to wonder how people ended up living on the street, in a corner beside a warm air vent. I wondered where were the families of these people. How did they end up with all of their belongings in a shopping cart - pushing it down the street - fighting another just like them for a special spot on a park bench. Did no-one care about them?

Before I was released from the psychiatric unit I applied for help from the government because I could no longer work. That help came in the amount of $867 a month. I was supposed to live on that – pay my mortgage, all my bills, and feed myself. It didn’t come close. I learned very quickly where some of the homeless came from. As for the families who cared about them? I also knew about that from personal experience. A story to be told at another time.

So today, I’ve slipped down the rungs of the ladder a bit. My anger is not raging, I’m not at the top of the ladder screaming out at the world. Today, because of the medical society itself I have slipped down a number of rungs and I’m more timid. More afraid of my own future and terrified for the future of others in this position.

But hey! Don’t let me get you down. We are the forgotten – the downtrodden – the pushed aside – the whispered illness. We know that. It’s nothing new to us. Some of us will take up Eunice’s cry and ask what we have done today to make this world a better place. Some of us will hold out our hands and offer a shoulder to someone on the edge. Some of us do it out of experience, from having been there. Some of us do it out of compassion. We offer our shoulder and our hand and anything else we can think of. I’m just not going to refer anyone to the medical world at this moment. I think they’re on the edge too.

An Addendum: I'm adding in this link to The Green Stone Woman because her post of today is exactly what I am talking about.


Henry North London said...

Its true So many people look at you and think Not worthy

But you are in the right and therefore in the majority

aims said...

Henry - thank you my friend. I value your opinion.

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

a very pertinant post today as I woke up angry and miserable, couldnst see any point in getting up.of coure I did, in my effort to keep the shadow at bay...I play my part, I CAN get up...
the first part of the post saddened me again...I have heard and seen scenes like this and it is saddening..that help isnt there when needed...this illess isnt something that one can arrange to suit opening hours,beds, etc even family..tough I can manage mine as I do not have a full blown type...but who knows one day it may come and l wont be ready, or it may fade and die...

Ms Shriver was an amazing woman...after no kudos unlike other family members she chose a cause without respect/kudos/ status...she was just amazing and in an obituary I read it appears congress honoured her in a way only presidents can be honoured ..god bless her and her immediate family.


I commented recently on a medical blog regarding the care of the mentally ill in America and there funding being cut.

My argument is Many people with a mental illness once treated effectively are just as capable as anyone to be a productive member of society and employable. Take away the care and medical support through funding cuts, then there are going to be alot of homeless people who can no longer contribute to society.

Great post Aims, stay strong:)

Leslie: said...

I worry about my daughter who struggles financially (see my comments in your previous post) because there are no adjustments made for her rent. She just heard that her rent is going up AGAIN in December so she's trying to arrange a move to a 2-bdrm with a friend. But what happens when that friend get married and moves on? She has to go to the Food Bank occasionally even though I have her for dinner as much as possible (due to her usually working evening shifts). She utilizes every benefit she gets from the government but still it's not enough. And for you to overhear your doctor giving up on that poor soul on the phone must have been so difficult for you. I keep praying that she will remain stable and get even stronger so she can work full time and feel "normal." Keep your chin up because you are not alone in this fight - there are lots of us out in cyber space to comfort you and support you emotionally. Writing your thoughts down in your blog probably helps somewhat, so keep doing it. Maybe one day someone who has the ability and power to make changes just might read it. Sending hugs for today...

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

I don't know what to say as this is such a big topic. I feel the desperation of the person at the other end of the phone and hope to God that he/she is okay. Too many patients and not enough resouces coupled with an unhealthy attitude to mental health. You have my emali address if you ever want to talk but God knows how much I could help you. Hugs dear friend. X

Thalia's Child said...

I've just started my new job, and one of the elderly residents in my care has a mental illness. She is in care because she has an altered level of care (which means she's unable to care for herself on her own, and has 'passed' the test for admission into long term care.

I was both fascinated and horrified when one of the other girls being oriented today said 'I didn't realize old people could be bipolar too.'

Granted, she is a care aide, and therefore didn't get huge amounts of medical diagnoses education, but I think it's very telling when the system isn't open and honest about the ongoing issues relating to mental illness.

Sugar Creek Beads said...

I have missed your posts the last week and was happy to see you had written again. I was worried about you and your situation. Doctors as important as they are sometimes, (maybe because they are too busy) don't see the patient only the illness or the rules and end up not treating the person with what they sometimes need the most, help and compassion. Hang in there, you have friends here that care about the person.. you.

Leatherdykeuk said...

I wish I could help, offer advice... anything. The UK National health Service used to be the best in the world. After privatisation it ignores people as much as any other country. I'm sorry.

Living the Dream said...

I am sure that you just writing down your feelings must be helping so many people, so stay strong aims, remember, you came out the other side. I hope and pray also that the person at the other end of the phone has found help. Over in the UK, the menatally ill aren't recognised either, unless you have the money to pay for it. Says it all really doesn't it?

rosiero said...

This problem must be a worldwide one. Not enough money or resources are the usual excuses. I say it again, aims, you have a good way of getting your points across and have experienced the illness first hand. You really ought to think about being the pioneer to change people's views for the better on this subject.

Moannie said...

This is such a huge subject and it is being tackled both in the States and here, where our National Health Service, set up in the forties is not so bloated that it is a parlous condition.
The aim of all of us should be humanitarian...in that NOONE should be without medical care...NO ONE. But it costs, and the burden to the tax payer continues to rise year by year.

Today I am going to a local hospital to have a suspect spot removed and next month I shall see a specialist with reference to a hp replacement. Sure I have had to wait for these appointments but my treatment will be free and my surgeons good.

Treatment for mental diseases are another thing altogether. And I pray that you will get the help you need, along with both my daughters who have fought, practically alone, the bogeyman of depression.

Gaston Studio said...

First, congrats on POTD mention.

This is my first time visiting and, although I don't as yet know your background on this, I am so sorry you had to hear the lack of compassion from your own physician even tho it was directed at someone else.

You are obviously a courageous individual.

Daryl said...

Sending you strength .. and love

Kim said...

Wow, this post really made me stop and think. Thank you for sharing these thoughts. I will be back to read more. Congrats on POTD.

Jopan said...

hi. i'm glad to see you're venting. its a very healthy exercise. i agree with some of the other blogs about the doctors in the uk being the same as in the states. i think they ignore their patients all over the world. I know that the day before my grandma died she went to the doctors and he said that she was fine. Obviusly keen to get through all his patience.Thats happened a couple of times with people i've known. i've even known old people being left on high beds in hospitals without sides that have fallen off. One such person was an old friend of my mums, the fall contributed to his death.

Junebug said...

I'm cheering you on. You are not defeated, you're still breathing! You will not be forgotten. I know so many people are and it breaks my heart. We'll try to make some one's life better today. One by one, that's all we can hope to do. I believe that prayer allows God's hand and His power to help others. He says we don't have because we don't ask.

Dr.John said...

Now you have scared me. Some of us look at the Canadian system as the system that gives the best care to everybody.
But I have to tell you , at least here in Neenah, there are people who would fight to get that person looked at without seeing a medical doctor first.If all the beds were full they would make the calls t6o find another facility. I know because my daughter is one of those people. She has gotten up at 2:00 in the morning to go and argue with hospitals . Four times a month she is on call all night long.
Will that continue if we begin to move toward your system?
You scare me.

softinthehead said...

Aims just the fact that you are making us all aware of how you feel must help. Hopefully it will give us all a better appreciation of people who struggle with mental health, something a lot of take completely for granted so I for one appreciate what you have to say. Stay strong :)

Akelamalu said...

Being in the fortunate position of never having to ask for help for mental health issues I can't even comment on our NHS in those circumstances. It is sad and very worrying that someone who obviously needs help can't get it and I'm sorry you heard all that conversation Aims because it has made you so anxious. x

Crystal Jigsaw said...

We have to look for the help, seldom do we receive it without searching first. I am proud to call you my friend, you have made me feel better over the last two years, you have given me inspiration to write and you have been there.

To me, you're worth everything; your friendship is invaluable.

Love as always, K xx

Debbie said...

What a poignant post.
You were kind enough to stop by my blog some time ago and I apologize that I am just now getting around to yours. I plan to return soon.

Melanie said...

Hia Aims, the situation is similar in the UK with a lack of psychiatric beds help and knowledge. Now too add a lack of government money and my guess is that cuts will be made wherever people have less of a voice to complain. There needs to be more people like you areound the world who do speak out and make this an issue.

Didn't someone say that a society can be judged by how it treats its weakest members?

BT said...

Hello aims, I'm so sorry you have been knocked back yet again. How thoughtless of the doctor to speak so that other patients could hear anyway. I keep thinking of that poor patient at the other end of the phone. I was lucky when it happened to me. My doctor was brilliant and the hospital ward was ok, not wonderful, but the treatment worked for me - to a certain extent. Where it fell down was any aftercare. I never had therapy or any help to dicover why? Therefore I still fall down occasionally, 2 days ago was a bad bad day. I just cried on and off all day, but now I feel ok again.

Sorry, I shouldn't go on about me. Mental health is such a hard issue. Do email me if I can be of any help at all. Could be the blind leading the blind though!
Love ~hugs~ BT.

TSannie said...

I haven't known you that long, but I respect you and your words. May this world treat you with respect as well. Peace be with you, Aims...(non religious from me - I just like the words).

TSannie said...

P. S. And I also like what I know about you! (Forgot to add that!;-)

lisaschaos said...

That must have nearly more than you could bare! You are a champion!

sallymandy said...

Thank you for the kind and supportive comments at my blog today. I really appreciated them.

I have nothing to add to what's already been said here, and in response to your post. It tugs at the heart and there is no easy answer. It's sad.

Coincidentally I have been reading today about Eunice Shriver and the Kennedy family, since Ted Kennedy died. There's strong evidence, I guess, that Rosemary Kennedy was not in fact "retarded" but was probably mentally ill--and that her father couldn't deal with that, so she was eventually lobotomized and locked away. I'm very glad the Special Olympics is part of our culture now, but what a sad way to get there.

I'm also thankful we have such better new treatments for our illnesses. I myself would be nowhere without modern pharmaceuticals.

Stay strong aims. You are loved and supported.

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