Thursday, December 31, 2009

Burning to the Ground

A little note here on the last day of the year - about present life with The Man.

At the end of October we journeyed across the Rocky Mountains and The Man purchased his 'dream' vehicle. A V10 Touareg - a VW luxury SUV.

We needed a new tow vehicle to tow my pride and joy and what has given me countless hours of happiness - our little 13 foot Trillium Trailer. We have been from Alberta to Key West - to New Orleans 3 times in it and to the Mexican border 2 times.

Even without a bathroom in it - it has been perfect. And it made me very happy to step in the door and have my home away from home - something that is a necessity for me to be able to leave my house and go on a holiday. I need stability and familiarity to keep me on even ground. I get stressed and anxious so easily that even stepping out my front door will bring it on.

On the day after Christmas -The Man's 'dream vehicle' went up in flames and took my little trailer with it. We have just been informed that both are a write-off and the vehicle has already been towed away. I don't know what will happen to the trailer - but it sits in our snowy driveway - a burnt mockery of my happiness - with melted plastic hanging from it - distorted illusions of my tears.

The tow vehicle could be replaced with plenty of research (they aren't a vehicle readily available in Canada) but the travel trailer was a vintage 1975 - and that is irreplaceable. The insurance company is not going to see it that way, but that's their job isn't it?

Since losing my Dolly last year I have tried really hard to isolate myself from things that will break my heart. With my refusal to get another pet I thought I had built enough barriers around my heart that I was going to be pretty safe barring any deaths in my immediate family and friends.

Little did I know that something like this would sneak in under the radar and destroy those walls and my dreams. For those who know me - they know that getting away with The Man in our little trailer is what I look forward to all year. I rarely saw him this past year as he put in 18 weeks of overtime, and we would have been gone by now - sitting in New Orleans watching the fog roll in - except my health has kept us here.

I know all the words - 'Things will get better' - 'You'll find another trailer' - 'The Man will find another vehicle' - 'It's just things'. Yes indeed. I do know all the words.

What I don't know is how to take the sadness away from The Man's face. How to replace that look of extreme joy and satisfaction he had when he drove his new vehicle. What I really don't know is how I'm going to forget and move on. I don't do that well. I don't 'overcome obstacles' well. I hurt and I cry and I long for what was.

What I do know is that doing all those things has never brought anything back. I also know that I teeter precariously on the edge - tightrope walking through my life since they let me out of 'The Hall'. There's no safety net that I can see. Not when The Man goes to work and leaves me alone to cry through my day. There's only a safety net when he comes back and wraps me in his arms and rests his chin on top of my head. Then I'm safe - inside these walls where I might remain for a very long time now. No holidays for us. No traveling. Just looking out the windows at the snow and a brown stain of happiness sitting in the driveway.

32 comments:

FlowerLady said...

Dear, dear Aims ~ My heart goes out to you and The Man.

Yes, what you lost may be just things, but they were things that were part of your life, they gave you joy and the pleasure of looking forward to enjoying them together more.

What you have now are lots of good memories. Keep them close to your heart!

Losses are hard to take, big or small.

May something good come from all of this that you both are enduring.

Having each other and the love you share is a gift and priceless.

Sending love, hugs and peace your way along with prayers.

FlowerLady

Leatherdykeuk said...

How utterly awful for you *hugs* I'm so sorry.

Melanie said...

Big hugs Aims.

So sorry that your trailer is a right off too. We had a car that happened to. We weren't convinced so called in a mechanic. In the end we ought our car from the insurance people and got it fixed with the money they had paid us. As long as your trailer can be made roadworthy again this could be an avenue to explore especially as it is vintage.

Bernie said...

So sorry about your loss aims, but I am so thankful that you and "the man" were not inside and are okay. We can always replace a car, even a trailer but not a spouse or anyone we love and who loves us... be strong my friend and move forward knowing you are loved, alll will work out.....:-) Hugs

Leslie: said...

Words escape me right now, but know that I feel for you and believe you will get through this. Sending hugs.

Thalia's Child said...

Oh no!!

I hope that the insurance recognizes that to replace your trillium will not be easy :(

Although, I guess in some respects, you and The Man could have quite some adventures searching out one for sale - I saw quite a few trilliums and bolers for sale last summer when I was in Alberta.

Dr.John said...

Even this far away I feel your pain. THat trailer was so much more than a trailer. It was a symbol of freedom and joy.
You have been through enough to know that it will hurt for some time. But continue to lean on that very special husband.

Sugar Creek Beads said...

Oh Aims, what an awful things to happen to you both. Things will get better with time but the time it takes to get there can be hell. Hang in there and remember you are blessed. Jeanne

dND said...

Dear Aims, Words escape me, so I'll just send my love to you and The Man and wish you love and happiness for the New Year.

Deborah x

The Green Stone Woman said...

I'm so sorry, Aims. That's the saddest thing I've heard you say in a long time. I know how attached you were to your little trailer. There's nothing I can say to make it better, but I do hope you will buy something similar that will allow you to go out on the road and have safe adventures with The Man. You must get out and away from it all, Aims. It's good for you!

Lola said...

That is so awful. I feel for you. A terrible way to end the year.

Akelamalu said...

Oh what a damn shame! I'm so sorry your dreams have gone up in smoke so to speak. You do still have each other though and 'things' can be replaced - hold on to that thought. I wish you a Happy and Healthy New Year and I hope it will just get better and better for you. x

Alice Stroppel said...

I'm really sorry Aimee.

Maggie May said...

I am only just catching up and am so very sorry to read about the trailer.
Life keeps throwing things at us. Things to grieve over and things to hold us back.
I sincerely hope that 2010 will have good things in store for you and the man, including a new trailer.

Nuts in May

anickdaler said...

That's awful, really hope the insurance comes through for you. They may just be "things" but sometimes we need things to live the lives we want. Glad you're ok though and hope things improve from here.

aims said...

Thank you to everyone who has commented here.

My anger was stirred to immense flames of its own when The Man came home from work and told me his fellow workers laughed and asked if he had brought marshmallows to the party.

The Man knew they were lucky that I was not present when they were talking like that. Ignorance and jealousy. That's what our society is about these days.

Crystal Jigsaw said...

There aren't any words that will take the pain away from your heart so I won't try, not that I could anyway. I'm sitting here, imagining you staring out of your window, and I see the same beautiful friend that I have always seen, the same amazing aura that graced my life some time ago.

But what I also see is a new door opening up for you, the old one having just closed to allow new opportunities, new challenges, and new experiences in your days and years ahead.

Your memories of pride and joy did not burn to the ground, they will be with you forever.

My love to you, K xx

Junebug said...

There aren't any words that I can say to make this better but I do care about you.

A Mother's Place is in the Wrong said...

Dear aims, have just spent some time catching up with you, only to hear of your latest disappointment and loss - poor you, and the Man. I do hope you find some way to replace those things which have given you both so much pleasure. Good luck in the New Year. M xx

rosiero said...

So sorry, aims to hear this. Also no doubt not helped by the first anniversary of Dolly's passing. All i can say is..just hang on in there by your finger nails. the sadness will pass. Let the Man keep on hugging you. Hope things get better in 2010.Love Rosiero

grandmamargie said...

Aims, I'm so sorry. I pray that this will turn into something good for both you and The Man. Sometimes, we gain through our losses. I'll keep you both in my thoughts and prayers.

Polergirl said...

OMG Aims, I am so sorry to hear this. The loss is symbolic for all the good times and happy memories. Whilst the trailer may be burnt, nothing and nobody can take away those happy memories from your heart, remember that my friend.

Polergirl said...

P.S. Shit happens, but behind every cloud the sun is always shining. x

bermudabluez said...

Aims....I am just now catching up on reading and am so, so very sorry to hear about this tragedy. And it is a tragedy...a little part of your life, but freedom and home and warmth all wrapped up in one. I really hope that the insurance will come through for you both and that you will be able to make new memories in another trailer...your little home on wheels. My heart goes out to you both. And I am very glad that The Man is there to support you. Please know that there are many people who care about you! It will take some time Aims. Hugs to you, my friend.

BT said...

How dreadful for you aims, I really do understand what your little home from home meant to you and how it is (almost) irreplacable. Hugs to you and look forward to the man coming home each day for those cuddles.

Lane said...

I'm so sorry Aims. I know how happy you were in your little home away from home.

It's such a hard knock for you both. I'm just so glad you have each other.

xx

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

I'm wondering how you are...you were so down in your last post, lve come back to see if youve posted again. you havent.

Hopefully you are just taking some time ...
speak to you soon.
saz x aka FFF

Biddie said...

I am so sorry..I wish that I knew what to say to make you feel better.
I know how important things can be, and I understand the need to feel at home when you travel. One of the reasons that I seldom go anywhere is because of that very reason..
How are you now? It's been a few days, just wondering.
Hugs xx

San said...

What rotten luck. How disappointing and sad. I am SO sorry, Aims.

TSannie said...

All I can do is send hugs and loving thoughts your and The Man's way. You know I'm thinking of you. Hope that helps just a teensy tinsey bit, Aims.
xoabb

Dr.John said...

Been thinking of you and praying for you.
Dump some of those feelings on the blog. It helps.

April said...

Your story left me feeling...well, lots of feelings. So sad. But the kind, caring words of your readers are blessings that will surely help. When I feel down, I look for those hugs that you're getting, both from The Man and from all the readers that love you, and keep looking for the light...a challenging task but its there in everything if we have the strength to look for it. If you need a lift, check out www.goodoodles.com sometime. Maybe it will bring a moment of light heartedness in all you're going through. If so, let me know that somehow it helped! All my best with everything, April