Thursday, September 30, 2010

Loss

I lost a ring this summer while at my brother's. It was a silver ring - you know the kind - the ones that have the inside that spins. It was wide, plain, and I wore it on my thumb.

Thing is - due to my health I've been quite nauseous for months now. And with that comes loss of weight. And because of that my ring slipped off my finger.

The Man bought me this ring many years ago during a trip to Vancouver. I can even remember the little shop we were in and how I had admired so many kinds until deciding on this one. I wore it then as a thumb ring and never feared losing it.

We spent the better part of a day searching for that ring. Donning rubber gloves we tore apart 6 bags of garbage and rummaged through stuff you don't want to look at a second time. We even got out the metal detector that sits behind my brother's bedroom door and proceeded to search the compost pile. My brother shoved that metal detector deep into the compost only to have to clean it off again.

It never turned up.

It sounds like such a big issue and my heart and mind dwelled on it for days.

But then one morning I walked into the rafting center and found a small collection of people looking quite somber. A man I had met and who was a good acquaintance of my brother, had been killed in a farming accident. A bachelor with a passion for painting who was kind and gentle and soft spoken.

He and my brother belonged to the same artists group, and three of his paintings hung in the rafting center for sale as part of the annual Artwalk the group presented each summer. After the funeral I often looked closely at these paintings, wondering if I could see the artist behind them and feeling the huge loss and hole in the world this man left.

I've thought about these two things a lot. Losses come in so many different ways and can often invoke the same feelings. That hole in the world, that ache in the heart, that searching for the lost item over and over.

How many times have I thought I've seen someone I've lost in a crowd? How many times did I think I saw a glint of silver in the grass only to find it was a piece of garbage? Why do we keep looking when we know we will never find these things again? Why does the loss sit in our hearts and pulse with its own little ache that never goes away.

I've lost many things over the years. Not so much in a material way really but in a more valuable way. Friends, pets, family, acquaintances, my mind. And sometimes the loss is not always a death. Sometimes it comes in losing a friendship - a loss that is like a death in itself.

These thoughts haunt me. Looking out at the fallen leaves I think of the painter who lies beneath them now, never to paint their beauty again. Perhaps, if I still had that silver ring, I would place it on his grave so that the losses would be united.

Thoughts for contemplation this Fall morning.

11 comments:

Maggie May said...

Oh dear..... it is painful to have to experience both these losses that cannot ever be replaced.
The post was filled with wisdom and poignancy, I thought.
I feel for you.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Alcoholic Daze (ADDY) said...

So sorry aims. I know just how you feel. When we lose things we cherish,it can gnaw away at us and give us no peace.

FlowerLady said...

Dear Aims ~ I am sorry for the losses you have had to bear.

Love, hugs and prayers to you at this time. One thing about losses is that they help us appreciate all the blessings in life. They make us stop and listen, to look about us as to what is important in this life.

FlowerLady

Bernie said...

I lost a very expensive earring while at my nephew's a couple of weeks ago and I find myself looking here in my home for it....why we do these things I don't know.
I am sorry for your losses, they can be painful but I have learned my best lessons from the losses in my life.....:-)Hugs

Akelamalu said...

I've lost so much jewellery over the years and it's made me sad but I will always have the memories of where the jewellery came from so that makes me happy. :)

Daryl said...

Hugs ... and keep looking, you never know ... xo

Cindy Lietz, Polymer Clay Tutor said...

Your post is very touching Aims and speaks to my own heart. I know exactly the losses you speak of (animate and inanimate)... I have experienced them myself. I also know of the ache, as you keep searching for that which is lost.

I guess we will both have to also remember (and keep searching for) that which we still have. That which is good in our lives. The things that we have managed to hold onto, all of these years.

Take care. I am sorry for the loss of your friend (and your ring). Hold onto the memories you have of them both and at least you will still have them... even if only in spirit.

Lane said...

A very poignant post Aims. The finality of loss is the hardest thing to bear in life.

I do hope you're ok.

Anonymous said...

last week our group held a similar discussion about this topic and you illustrate something we have not covered yet, appreciate that.

- Laura

Melanie said...

I hope the ring turns up by a miracle.

I'm bad at handling loss. The theft of the Raleigh Yukon and Raleigh Record Sprint bikes hit me harder than Hubby. I still keep looking for them being sold on, on the internet.

Alice Stroppel said...

Beautiful. YOu have such a wonderful way with words. Just beautiful.