Monday, October 18, 2010

Back to the Past - Suddenly

Like an idiot - I was browsing Facebook - an absolutely new experience for me.

As most of you know - I don't 'DO FB'. I do have a small spot there where I can look at my brother's pottery. Some of you have found me that way and know I don't live there.

However - back to the idiot I am.

While browsing FB I typed in the name of The Beater not expecting to come across him at all. Boy was I wrong! When his face - now 30 years older - appeared, I jumped back like I had seen a snake - and you all know how much I hate snakes!

I was instantly thrown back into the past - down that long chute where there aren't any hand grips or little ledges to catch your fingers in to stop your fall. Nope. Down I plummeted to land wallowing around in such painful memories that I gasped aloud!

Like a fool I sat and stared open-mouthed at his face - memorizing the lines and the sweep of his now silver hair - seeing only The Beater.

I could hear his voice - rough with hatred - screaming at me once more and feel the muscles behind the punches and the effort behind the kick. Then I noticed his status - single. Oh Yeah! The beast lives to roam and torture once more.

I knew he had been in a relationship with a woman I had met a long time ago. I always wondered if she was a punching bag too or if he had taken all his hatred out on my body. Suddenly I was looking for her and wondering if she had posted anything about him - all this without me clicking 'like' or 'friend' - I wanted to stay undercover as I usually do. I don't want him finding me - ever.

When I found her I also noted that she was 'single' and looking. I think he was looking too but I was too afraid to go back and find out. Instead I stared at her face - trying to see if I could pick up the signs that are so evident in abused women. There is a hopeless look - a veil that covers the eyes in an effort to hide our shame. There are so many little pieces of evidence that we can pick up in another if we have been there before. I couldn't tell. She was lounging in front of her business and that involves always putting on a good front.

I wanted to 'friend' her or whatever is done on FB and ask - but I wisely kept my fingers in check. I wanted to know why they were no longer together. Was it her decision? Had he pushed her too far? Was she surviving with her head up or her head down?

So many questions without answers.

All I do know is that I was suddenly feeling sick to my stomach and afraid once more. To know he was out there - single. OMG!

Why isn't there a site where we can list the names of abusers - both male and female. A site where the unsuspecting can go and search for a name and read an honest description before falling into the trap. These people are like Venus Flytraps. They draw you in slowly before clamping on and devouring your strength and your soul.

We need an international site of abusers around the world. Not just for the eyes of the police and people with a badge - but for us. Us unsuspecting and lonely individuals who will willingly fall into the web of the spider because we are desperate, lonely, craving love, willing to lie to ourselves right from the start - and so much more.

Does anyone hear me?


Maggie May said...

That must have been terrible. I hope that he won't find anyone else to abuse.
I don't like Facebook. Blogging allows some privacy and feels more comfortable.

Trouble is...... if there was a list of abusers...... what would stop anybody putting any of us on it for revenge......
Would be good if there was some foolproof way of doing it.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Fi from Four Paws and Whiskers said...

Yup I hear you..... And I work with many women who have been abused. I always advise them to make sure they check out the friends of th new men to see what sort of past they have... People can change and different relationships might work better, but some forewarning would be better. Abusers need to face some consequences and change their ways or be single forever.

FlowerLady said...

How awful for you to have all those horrible memories come back. It is too bad there isn't a way to warn others about abusers.

I was in FB for a short while and it was only because other gardeners had joined. I posted no info about myself, and then after reading more bad about FB I got out. They do NOT make it easy to get out either, but I am free now.

Hope you get back to peaceful feelings.

Be well in body, heart, mind and soul.

Love ~ FlowerLady

Melanie said...

I never got in to FB. It seemed too easy to look anyone up and therefore be looked up all without you knowing!

I think there should be a way of checking if a person had a criminal record even if you aren't employing them to work with the vulnerable or children.

I think this is especially important when you have children from previous relationships -we've all read the horror stories about dodgy boyfriends.

Leatherdykeuk said...

Oh, dogs! poor you!
I hope you managed to get over the fright and you were wise not to click.

Lane said...

What a horrible shock.

Well done for staying away.

I hope you're well Aims. x

Nora said...

I hope you are okay, Aims. Some things you never get over, do you? You were very smart and brave.

Debbie said...

I'm on FB but usually just for games and a few friends. I can't ever find anyone I'm looking for.

I'm so sorry. I could feel that "pit in the stomach" thing. Terrible.

Thank God you had the power to leave and I pray for others who suffer in silence.

Here is a site you might visit

Just a thought :)

Akelamalu said...

I don't go on FB very often, usually only if someone sends me a message. What a shock that must have been for you m'dear. Glad you didn't give yourself away to either of them.

Whilst a list of abusers could be helpful, it could also be abused by petty people trying to cause mischief too so I guess it wouldn't work. :(

Daryl said...

Oh Aims ... stay away from there.

And I am sure you know he's back .. so go visit David and let his fun posts cheer you up

TSannie said...

I'm with you. Just as sex offenders must register, abusers should have to as well.

Take care of you, my friend.

Alcoholic Daze (ADDY) said...

A good idea to have an abusers' site to warn people. Not sure how you should go about this without making yourself conspicuous to the very person you are trying to avoid. I can imagine the shock you must have got seeing his face again.

Valleys Mam said...

You can have total privacy on facebook you just have to ensure all the bits are in placeto do that
Plus you can block people and they can never find you.
Aims, huggs for you he cannot abuse you dont let him into your space ,cast him out like the dross he is

Polergirl said...

3 words Aims -
Don't Go There!