Like an idiot - I was browsing Facebook - an absolutely new experience for me.
As most of you know - I don't 'DO FB'. I do have a small spot there where I can look at my brother's pottery. Some of you have found me that way and know I don't live there.
However - back to the idiot I am.
While browsing FB I typed in the name of The Beater not expecting to come across him at all. Boy was I wrong! When his face - now 30 years older - appeared, I jumped back like I had seen a snake - and you all know how much I hate snakes!
I was instantly thrown back into the past - down that long chute where there aren't any hand grips or little ledges to catch your fingers in to stop your fall. Nope. Down I plummeted to land wallowing around in such painful memories that I gasped aloud!
Like a fool I sat and stared open-mouthed at his face - memorizing the lines and the sweep of his now silver hair - seeing only The Beater.
I could hear his voice - rough with hatred - screaming at me once more and feel the muscles behind the punches and the effort behind the kick. Then I noticed his status - single. Oh Yeah! The beast lives to roam and torture once more.
I knew he had been in a relationship with a woman I had met a long time ago. I always wondered if she was a punching bag too or if he had taken all his hatred out on my body. Suddenly I was looking for her and wondering if she had posted anything about him - all this without me clicking 'like' or 'friend' - I wanted to stay undercover as I usually do. I don't want him finding me - ever.
When I found her I also noted that she was 'single' and looking. I think he was looking too but I was too afraid to go back and find out. Instead I stared at her face - trying to see if I could pick up the signs that are so evident in abused women. There is a hopeless look - a veil that covers the eyes in an effort to hide our shame. There are so many little pieces of evidence that we can pick up in another if we have been there before. I couldn't tell. She was lounging in front of her business and that involves always putting on a good front.
I wanted to 'friend' her or whatever is done on FB and ask - but I wisely kept my fingers in check. I wanted to know why they were no longer together. Was it her decision? Had he pushed her too far? Was she surviving with her head up or her head down?
So many questions without answers.
All I do know is that I was suddenly feeling sick to my stomach and afraid once more. To know he was out there - single. OMG!
Why isn't there a site where we can list the names of abusers - both male and female. A site where the unsuspecting can go and search for a name and read an honest description before falling into the trap. These people are like Venus Flytraps. They draw you in slowly before clamping on and devouring your strength and your soul.
We need an international site of abusers around the world. Not just for the eyes of the police and people with a badge - but for us. Us unsuspecting and lonely individuals who will willingly fall into the web of the spider because we are desperate, lonely, craving love, willing to lie to ourselves right from the start - and so much more.
Does anyone hear me?