Monday, December 12, 2011

I Don't Know What To Think -


My mind wanders here and there - higgily piggily. I've thought of a million blog posts? No - surely I exaggerate! A thousand? Bah! Perhaps around 100? That's probably more like it but I don't remember.

Words come but mostly they go. Memories - especially recent ones, evaporate into the ether and I can't find them when I turn around. They aren't under the ottoman or behind the drapes. They aren't under my chair or behind my monitor. But certainly - most certainly - they are NOT in my brain anymore.

I often wonder about the pathways in that gray matter that resides between my ears. Is it like a maze? Or perhaps it's more like one of those games where the little shiny gray ball goes in one end and you have to tilt it and jiggle it around corners and down blind alleys, until finally, finally it pops out the other end. You've done it!

Except it's still just a shiny gray ball.

Words and memories disappear instantly. But some of them - especially the words, are caught by those around me and they pop them in their own mouths and finish my sentences.

It helps. But my frustration levels grow exponentially with each word or thought lost on the wind.

My brain is melting slowly. It used to be so slowly that I thought I was like everyone else. Those of us who walk around with words stuck to the tip of our tongues. A turn of the head with a question - 'What was I saying?'

But now - now it is something different. Now I look vaguely around me, searching the floor for the words and memories that surely must have fallen there the last time I was in the room. I've even asked the woman who helps me clean, 'Did you happen to see any words or memories on the Swiffer cloth before you threw it out? Were there any stray letters wrapped up in old dust bunnies when you swept under my bed?' Or - horrors upon horrors - perhaps they were sucked up by the vacuum and I will never see them again for sure! Not unless, of course, I switch to a Dirt Devil and I can rummage through the dust and hair myself and shake out the letters before I replace the little gray cup. Then I have to try and arrange the letters into words or elusive memories and I waste another day. Another lifetime.

Of course I don't know when I started to notice this. How could I? It would have been a short-term memory and I can't seem to keep those in between my ears. I think I noticed a couple of concerned looks that were instantly covered when I turned to search the face. 'Am I missing something?' The quick dissembling and reassembling could of been my first clue - but I don't remember really. Truly I don't. But it was there.

When those actions became something of the norm I knew something was amiss - I think I did anyway. My brother's darling face - the slight sorrow - the kind eyes - the turn of the head. Now I accept it as the norm when he seems to be the one speaking - finishing my sentences, popping in words. He admitted as much the other day. Funny thing is - he couldn't remember when it started either. How odd is that? Not really I think, because everyone around me seems to be doing the same thing - putting in a much needed word here and there for me - or just finishing the sentence. I didn't know I had so many speaking voices. I should have done something with that - acting or ventriloquism.

Did you notice that? I wrote tranquillism for ventriloquism and sat here stumped for a while - searching - using my hands to form something of what I was trying to say. It's little things like that. They may be small - uneventful for you really. But when your day is filled with these they do become extremely annoying. Yet it is still just another day.

I know of a doctor who swears that you wouldn't know you were losing words or memories if you actually were. I call bullshit on that! Who wouldn't recognize the frustration and the searching if it was happening to you? Surely this change in your lifestyle would be something of a flag just out of your line of sight? Anyone? Hello??

What I do remember and still say is that I have always had a love of words and I have clung to my memories good or bad and loved making them! I know this. I. Know. This. Each day is precious. I know that too. Sometimes people say, 'It's only words.' But that's not true. It's a memory as well that goes along with them. It's the physical movement of your lips and throat and a pathway in your brain that has opened and waits.

Still, my thoughts and words continue to run higgily piggily. Bouncing off the gray matter. Beating it down. Ricocheting off bone and leaving dents behind. I'm here! I'm here.

Ah well.

Now - what was I saying?


Akelamalu said...

I find some word elude me too. Of course at 62 I should expect my memory not to be as good as it was but I don't like it. :(

Daryl said...

Akelamalu is 2 yrs younger than I and she's got it .. I got it .. we all got it .. I tend to stop and write things down as soon as I think of them .. woe is me if I dont have paper or pen .. by the time I've located one or the other or both I've totally forgotten what I was looking for .. and why .. nevertheless I think you might ask the doctor ... if gawd forbid its early onset Alzheimer's there are meds ..

Living the Dream said...

If you think your words are failing you, believe me, you are still so good to read. We can all relate to your post. Glad to have you back. Take care aims.

Anonymous said...

hey Aims good to see you and your words are great
I sometimes think we try to crush too much into our heads as we get older we have more to remember and more to think about
I made list the other day of business, personal family , volunteer , household things I had over 30 things to think about --oh for the non complication of youth

Maggie May said...

Well I got it too, Aims!
People seem to be finishing off my sentences too.
Hope its just normal ageing.
Good to see you back!
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Leatherdykeuk said...

I lose thoughts all the time. I think Jasfoup steals them.

Bernie said...

Think of you often my friend, we all loose words once in a while. Sending big hugs always....:-)

ADDY said...

Yep, it happens to me too. Sometimes stress and medication can cause that too, so don't worry It may be temporary. Good to hear from you again and hope things are better with you soon. (((Hugs))).

Mickle in NZ said...

Dear Aims, your writing is as amazing as ever. You have a gift for words that you haven't lost at all xxx Mickle

grandmamargie said...

Aims, I completely agree with Addy. Stress and medication. But I seem to wake up in a new world everyday. The other day I wrote something on my to-do list at work and couldn't remember what it was for. Still haven't. Shrug. Oh, well. :) Glad you are back.

dND said...

I put it down to having so much going on in my mind - :-) And stress doesn't help either.

Lovely to see you back and like you when I can get to the computer and remember what it was I was going to write about I might be able to post again too!!!

Hope you have a wonderful Christmas and New Year.

Deborah xx

aims said...

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

It is wonderful having everyone chirp in with ideas and caring.

The knowing that I have you friends across the internet brings a smile to my face - whether I remember who you are today or not :0)

Live It Forward said...

We can't really help but experience that sometimes we may run out of words to write and end up procrastinating once in a while. Maybe our brain is a bit tired and rebels against us. hmm maybe. No pressure, get a break sometimes if you needed to. Great to have you back Aims! Keep you posts coming.