Wednesday, June 25, 2008

'The Man' Tales - While The World Slipped Away

The doctor left the room unnoticed by Cid or myself. All we could see was each other. I stared into his brown eyes and felt my world giving way – dissolving down a long dark hole. I can only imagine what he felt.

He held out his arms and I let out a cry and fell into them, feeling them wrap around me and holding me close. I listened to his harsh breathing and tried to pull away to give him the space to breathe, but he wouldn’t let me.

“No. Stay here Aims, while I can still hold you.”

And I did.

He shuffled over on his hospital bed and I crawled up beside him and nestled in the crook of his arm and we held each other without speaking. My tears soaked his hospital gown but he didn’t care and neither did I. I could feel a strange numbness setting in and I tried to fight it because I wanted to feel every single moment I had left with this man. The numbness was stronger than my wishes and it took over – trying to spare me the agony of what might be coming.

Cid’s uncle arrived and was given the news. He held Cid’s hand quietly for a time and then informed us that he was going for Cid’s mother. This was something Cid had been trying to avoid, but he knew he had no choice in the matter. I could see he had accepted what the doctor had said when he gave a tired nod to his uncle’s plan. When we were alone again he shook his head and said,

“Now the dramatics begin.”

When the nurses came in to give Cid some Ventolin in a nebulizer, I slipped out and made two phone calls. My first phone call was to my mother to let her know what had happened. Leaning against the wall I closed my eyes and listened to the prayer she gave for both Cid and I. Then I listened as she told me to be strong for Cid and not to be thinking about myself. I knew that she was going to tell me this, but I straightened up and stood tall as she spoke the words.

My next phone call was to D. It was one I wanted to avoid but so desperately needed as well. I didn’t want to tell him that someone he considered to be a good friend had taken a turn for the worse. I didn’t want to tell him that Cid’s days were dwindling down quickly. What I did tell him was that I was staying as long as Cid needed me. I also told him that if Cid wanted to get married, I would marry him. I wanted Cid to have some happiness in this lifetime, however short it might be. D and I cried together, long and hard.

After that conversation I walked the halls and found a washroom so I could rinse my face and try to hide the evidence of my crying before I went back in to Cid. I didn’t want to be a burden to him when he needed all his strength.

That evening, the nurses brought in a small bed and we shoved the two together and pulled the curtains. Cid and I giggled and whispered together as if we were alone in the world and nothing mattered. As the night hours lengthened we eventually fell asleep holding on to each other, my head tucked underneath his chin and the world a million miles away.

In the morning they came and gave Cid his Ventolin again and told us that they were taking him in an hour for treatment over at the cancer clinic. We looked at each other and our hopes rose once more.

24 comments:

travelling, but not in love said...

Goodness. It's all so sad Aims. So very sad. Cid is so lucky to have you there by his in the hospital like this, much as he had been by yours.

I do worry about where this is all leading....

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Aims - such heart tugging stuff. I can't imagine the depth of your grief at that time only to have your hopes raised with chemo. Such a see saw of raw emotions must have left you exhausted and spent. Numbness is natures way of helping you cope with shock. Been through something similar myself - had my heart beaten to a pulp a bit like yours so undserstand some of the pain you must have been in. Spectacular writing as ever. XX

Lehners in France said...

Aims I can so relate to you wanting to be strong for Cid. I used to refresh my brother's water jug, collapse in a heap, wash my face and walk back in all cheery as if nothing had happened. Debs x

Mima said...

Its the terrible struggle, and the awful decisions that go along with it. I'm really glad that you were able to be there for him, but I can't imagine how it must have been for you, especially that conversation with D. You have been incredibly lucky to have two such amazing men in your life.

Daryl said...

I wish this was NOW with all the strides made in the treatment of cancer... but I am not giving up hope because that's the sort of silly I am

:-Daryl

Tina said...

Oh goodness Aims, this is like a rollercoaster. Not in a good way either.

John-Michael said...

When Souls are woven together ... pulls, snags, even tears can do naught to unravel the fabric. It is One. It seems to me that Life has weaved You, Cid, D, and perhaps Threads unknown into a tapestry that is rich in texture and depth of colour. I am blessed to have this awareness of just this small part of that Product.

I love You.

I Beatrice said...

I do hope there's time for you two to be married! I had forgotten you were not yet married to D - so there's still time.

And if ever a man deserved that final happiness, it was Cid! His was a truly beautiful life, it seems to me... And you can feel very proud of the part you were able to play in it.

Very movingly written indeed! But as for me, well I'm not sure if I shall be able to read the next bit...

Valleys Mam said...

Oh Aims - how did you cope,losing a loved one is hell,watching them suffer is hell.
So glad you had time together

Biddie said...

This is so incredibly sad. I can't imagine living it once, never mind reliving it all for us..

A Mother's Place is in the Wrong said...

More incredible sadness. And there is always more love too. M xx

bichonpawz said...

Beautifully written, Aims, but I cannot even imagine where you found the strength to endure this roller coaster of emotion. Yet, I am very glad for you that you had D.

Stinking Billy said...

aims, baby, they might yet make this into a Hollywood blockbuster, it certainly merits that. Here's hoping.

Lane said...

There's still hope?

I'm clinging to it.
x

rosiero said...

What a roller coaster of emotions. I dread the next episode.

aims said...

Before any of you start searching for somewhere where it says that I married D - rest assured that I have not. I think IBeatrice's comment that I married D stems from a wee bit of confusion on her part. (quite alright dearest B)

San said...

So poignant the picture you paint of you and Cid curled up in that hospital bed so far from the world.

And always the glimmer of hope and the desire to give. Beautiful.

I Beatrice said...

Yes, I realised I had been mistaken on that one - it just seemed as if you were married that's all. Sorry if it produced any confusion at a moment when all our thoughts are with Cid...

Lehners in France said...

Durrgh you've got another award waiting for you at mine. Debs x

Maggie May said...

You are choking me up! Doesn't look good even if I was optimistic, which I'm not.

I Beatrice said...

On a happier note for a moment, congratulations again on your award - and now on its badge. It looks pretty impressive sitting up there!

(I wish they had included the category though.)

Irene said...

I was gone for two episodes and had to catch up there very quickly. There is much to digest. Actually, I am speechless. I really don't know what to say, except the obvious in that I don't want this to be happening, but I can't change the outcome can I? We can't all vote and make Cid live, or can we? I am so confused, Aims, I feel that if I think about it too hard, something really bad will happen, forgetting that we are in the past and you are merely recounting it.

Nevertheless, you hang it there, Aims, while you remember all these things. I hope it is cathartic for you.

rosiero said...

aims - I cannot find the post where you fist met Cid. Can you help please?

rosiero said...

Meant to say "first" met Cid.