Monday, August 18, 2008

'The Man' Tales - Oh Cid

How well I remember that next day.

Cid’s mother left me alone and looked at me differently that next day. I felt differently inside – more powerful – more secure – and I know it was because Cid had made a stand for me and I had made my stand for him. But in the end I was too busy and worried to pay too much attention to her.

I spent the day worrying about Cid’s oxygen levels. I could see by the little monitor that I attached to his finger that his blood oxygen levels were very low. I tried everything I could to raise them but by the evening I was worried enough to call into the hospital help line. After explaining the situation and giving the nurse the reading I was getting on the monitor – she sent an ambulance.

Cid was almost embarrassed when the paramedics arrived and loaded him onto the gurney and he tried to make a joke about it all, but he could hardly breathe and talking was getting to be a major effort. His mother was off in the corner of the living room wailing into her brother’s shoulder as I smiled and stood beside Cid and tried to give him some of my strength. I kissed him hard before they wheeled him out the front door, then grabbed my keys and followed the ambulance.

They took Cid into emergency and I sat on a chair while the medical staff did their thing. I tried to stay out of the way so they wouldn’t trip over me, but I also wanted to be as close to Cid as I could. He lay on that gurney and I could see the resignation on his face and I wanted to scream – fight! fight! fight! I did inside – over and over.

As the evening wore on, the medical staff bustled about less hurriedly and the room almost became quiet. I pulled up my chair and laid my head against Cid and he stroked my hair and the back of my neck like he had always done. I told him I loved him and he told me the same thing. And we waited.

I waited for a miracle. I couldn’t give up hope that Cid would somehow beat this. I couldn’t.

As night came around I was afraid that if I didn’t take my medication that I might go into withdrawals and then I wouldn’t be any help at all. Once I had taken it though I became drowsy and I nodded off and on as I lay with my head on Cid’s chest. A doctor came in and asked me to move my chair so he could have a look at Cid and I was forced to move back against the wall. It was cold and lonely there and I was so sleepy. Through the fog in my head I heard the doctor talking to Cid.

“Mr. Marchesich? You know you’re dying don’t you? There is nothing we can do for you. I’m sorry.”

I can’t forget those words. They haunt me. Always.

After the doctor left they moved Cid to a private room and someone called his mother and uncle. I walked beside the gurney as they wheeled him off to that room and held his hand and smiled at him. I tried so hard not to cry, but I knew I was going to miss him for the rest of my life.

His mother and uncle arrived and I refused to give up my spot on Cid’s right side. His uncle stood beside me and his mother was on the other side of the gurney. Cid’s breathing was harsh and painful and it filled the room. I kept a watch on the oxygen monitor until a nurse came in and saw what I was doing. She unclipped it off his finger and wrapped the cord around the little machine and took it away. She avoided the panicked look in my eyes as I watched her, knowing I had to see how he was doing – trying to spare me that moment.

Cid had acknowledged his mother and uncle when they came into the room, but he had then focused on taking each laboured breath after that. I held his hand and thrilled at each little weak squeeze he gave me. I was so scared but I didn’t want him to know it and I would lean over and whisper in his ear and tell him I loved him. He would squeeze my hand – again.

I was watching his face when he took his last breath. He seemed to hold it. Then he let it go.

In the quiet that echoed around the room, I laid my head down on his hand and felt the warmth go out of it and out of my heart. Between one beat and the next, I heard my heart break and I could feel the shattered pieces flying off into the four corners of the universe in search of Cid's heart as it winged it's way to a place of peace with mine not wanting to be left behind. Left alone to face the future forever without him. Without his hand in mine, without the words of love on his lips, or shining from his soft brown eyes. With only the little gold hearts touching each other and pressing up against my breast. Forever.

Like now – I sobbed.


Anonymous said...

Oh, Aims, so beautifully written. I could just imagine myself there and almost feeling your pain. I'm glad you were able to be there with Cid. Love Margie

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Oh so final and utterly heartbreaking for you. But peace at last for Cid and no more distress and pain. So much of your heart must have died at that moment too. Bless you sweetie for loving him so deeply and roundly. What a gift you gave him and his life was blessed for having you in his life. He must have felt he had lived a full life given the depth of love and care you bestowed upon him. Best a short life full of good and love than a long one bitter and lonely. x

dND said...

So tenderly and expressively written Aims, but most of all the love shines through.

My thoughts are with you
Deborah x

Daryl said...

Oh Aims, this is so like when my mom passed ... there are no words ... I do know he took unmeasurable comfort from your presence and knowing you loved him. Doesnt make the hurt less or even go away after all these years ... I am not religious but I would bet he's keeping an eye on you ... and always will.


softinthehead said...

Aims - so beautifully written, I should imagine it took a lot of courage to do so. Rest in Peace Cid, and you, for knowing you did everything you could while loving him deeply.

Leatherdykeuk said...

Oh! How utterly heartbreaking.

You evoke your memories so clearly that I was sobbing along with you.


Lane said...

I knew it was coming but oh my.

I'm glad you were right by his side a the end. So sad.

Breezy said...

(((Poor Cid))) (((poor brave Aims )))

Lehners in France said...

Aims, so sadly I relate to it and sadly there is no cure for grief. I wish there was. You were a true friend to Cid and some people never discover a bond, love or friendship like this. People who have loved are the richest of all. Debs x

Potty Mummy said...

I'm so sorry.

BT said...

As I read that beautiful account, aims, I had my hand over my mouth and tears welled in my eyes. So hard, how can one ever recover from such grief. It must have been a huge comfort to Cid knowing you were there for him when it mattered.
Huge hug,

Irene said...

Damn it...

I just don't know what to say, Aims.

Everything seems very inadequate.

Anonymous said...

Oh Aims I'm sorry someone as special as Cid died. At least he had no more pain. That's always left to the survivors. Hugs. I just hope his mother doesn't make any crass remarks in the next 24 hours.

I'm sure I'll be able to use anything you've sent dear after all I love your taste in bears. Don't worry please. For Laura it was a big deal seeing so many fabrics and getting to choose from a big budget. Maybe it's a right of passage?

Anonymous said...

An incredible experience for you and one we read with such emotion.

CJ xx

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
rosiero said...

Oh Aims - how heart-rending. It must be so painful for you to relive it too. I guess I was waiting for that ending, but it still did not make it any easier to bear.

Anonymous said...

I just felt every moment with you
when my husband died i wasnt there.
he was killed in a car smash, he was 32. The pain is no different
I cried with you

travelling, but not in love said...

Aims, I'm with Lane - i knew this was coming, but oh my goodness me.

How fabulous for Cid to have you there with him to the very end. What a truly amazing friend you are.

I'm sure he lives on in your heart, busily working away at mending it for you.

Lovely writing.


Maggie May said...

Well, I knew it was coming but it is so sad...... so very sad & I'm sorry you had to go through that.

A Hospice in England is a kind of hospital that is run by charity & is there to give terminally & chronically sick people relief and especially their families. They usually work towards pain relief and treat the patient holistically.

Biddie said...

This takes me back to when my Dad passed away..The oxygen levels, the laboured breathing...
I feel like I was there with you.

bichonpawz said...

Some people never experience a love like that Aims. Such a painful experience, but you have written it beautifully. Heaven gained a new angel that day. May Cid rest in peace. Hugs to you my friend.

John-Michael said...

"Like now – I sobbed."

And not alone.

A Mother's Place is in the Wrong said...

Dear Aims, so much pain and so much love. It's the saddest thing to lose someone who is so loved. And you tell it so movingly. M xx

Mima said...

Oh Aims, its not just tears now, but sobbing. One of the things about this dammned disease is that it seems endless, and there are times when I really wish for a peaceful passing with those that I love around me as I struggle to carry on. If it has to happen, then Cid got the good way and I am so glad that you were there with him and didn't give up your spot to his Mum.

CrazyCath said...

I knew this was the next post, and so it has taken me until now to get here. I have no more excuses now though with my new gadget!

I don't know how you write this so beautifully, but you do.