Some loves just never end. Those true, great, loves that neither death, nor time, nor circumstance can put out. Where the pain neither fades nor subsides with the passage of time. Where time is only a way to get to the next phase – the one where you will be together again.
Sure your life changes and you adjust to the next event in your life and bittersweet is something you’d rather have in a chocolate than in a memory. Sure you learn to laugh and even to love again. But it’s never in the same way again. Never.
There are always those times when you turn a corner and think – oh! is that him? Or you’re in a crowd and you think you hear his voice. Your mind trips on a word and remembers a phrase. The phone rings and you think that when you pick it up he’s going to say – Oh hi Aims. It’s Cid.
Tonight I watched a movie called ‘P.S. I Love You'. A story about a woman who loses her husband to a brain tumour and how he writes her letters before he dies and he sends them to her for a year afterwards. At the end of the movie she says she can’t feel him anymore and I thought – how could you not? How can a great love just vanish from your life because a year has passed? How can you forget the feel of him or the taste of him or the sound of his voice?
It has been almost 8 years since Cid died and I remember everything about him. Even the smell of his clothes. Some days – most days – are like he just was here and has just died. I see him all the time in people. I hear his voice in my head whenever I need to and often just out of the blue. That man has his lips, that other one his eyes. Here’s his smile – and the trees echo his voice as he whispers my name.
The tears are forever too. My eyes give way to my memories and someone would think the funeral was just last week perhaps if they didn’t know me. And movies such as this one will bring it out again and I will go to bed weeping. Tomorrow I will wake and look in the mirror at the sadness that has become a permanent part of my face and I’ll go and stand and look at his picture for a while - remembering yesterdays like they are todays.
No. Great loves never die. They just wait.