Thursday, January 22, 2009

Let's Talk About Depression and Suicide

Why am I writing this for the whole world to read?

Depression – suicide – anxiety – grief. They are all words that are used daily.

Most of us know someone who is suffering from depression in one form or another. Some of us have been the ones who have been left behind after a loved one killed themselves. That hole that is left – the guilt – the questions – the what ifs - haunt and hound us for the rest of our days.

We shy away or run away from those people who we perceive as having problems and are ‘always sad or down’. We fumble with our feelings – our arms hang limp at our sides because we don’t want to be drawn in or do the wrong thing. Doing the wrong thing is the bigger of those two – because most of us don’t know how to deal with someone who is suffering.

How do we deal with someone who cries freely in front of us? What do we do with someone who stands with shoulders slumped forward and eyes that betray pain and loss and angst? What do we do with someone who isn’t putting on a front or a good show for us? In the end it is just easier to run – to stay away – to not call – to not reach out.

In 1998 I had a complete and total mental breakdown. I didn’t know my own name let alone those of anyone around me. I cried continuously. I wrung my hands until they were raw. My mind was that of a child – afraid of everything. And I was suicidal.

Two people who loved me with all of their hearts took me to the hospital and watched as they put me into a psyche ward. They left crying.

Nine months later, when they let me go home, they knew they had done the right thing. Even though they have felt guilty about it since then – they know they did the right thing. And I have thanked them for it – repeatedly.

They saved my life. Without that intervention I would be dead.

So although we don’t know how to help and would rather someone else did? You might be saving a life if you just reach out – literally – and take that suffering person’s hand and just hold it. Most of the time words aren’t necessary. It’s knowing that someone is trying. To know that you aren’t a leper – that people don’t find you repulsive because you are depressed – that someone wants to help – even just to listen. That is what matters.

You don’t have to try to cheer the person up. It is more than likely that you won’t be able to. And the words “Call me if you need me” – yes – they are nice to hear. But I won’t be calling you. I can’t. So call me. Come see me. Come sit with me. Come bring me a cup of tea. But don’t ask me to call you if I’m really down. When I’m really down and I’m standing in front of the tub with my razorblade in my hand – I’m not picking up the phone to have a chat with you. But if the doorbell rings and rings and rings – I’ll have to put down that razor and come and answer it so I will have peace later to slash my wrists.

Intervention. It’s the new word these days isn’t it? But it works. Just intervening in my suicidal thoughts will distract me long enough for it not to happen at that moment. Forcing yourself into my world and insuring that I know you care? That’s what works.

Because when you’re depressed – you have yourself convinced that no one cares – because you don’t even care about yourself. So why would others? When you’re depressed the hole is deep and dark. Sometimes it’s quiet in there. Sometimes there’s so much noise from all the voices zipping around inside your head that you can barely hear.

Why would I want to kill myself you ask? Why would I kill myself when there are so many people who love me? What about those I’m going to hurt when they find out I couldn’t take it anymore and killed myself?

Let me tell you a secret about that.

A person who kills themselves doesn’t care about those he leaves behind. Well – they do down deep. But it’s not about the other people. It’s about them. Their life has reached the point where nothing can help. They can’t see any other way then to end it. It’s not about how much others will hurt. It’s about how much they hurt. It’s too much. Too much!! They are surrounded by darkness and it is sucking them downwards. They can look out and see the shadowy figures of their loved ones – but they are shadows – fleeting shadows. And the voices that call to them are muffled. But their own voice is clear and concise and inside their head they can hear the words “Just end it. It will be easier. Sure it will hurt for just a little bit – but then it will be gone – forever. Every single thing will be gone forever and you won’t have to struggle any more. You won’t have to hurt any more.”

So you see – your guilt and anguish and sadness over a suicide victim is something that is not important anymore when a person kills themselves. Of course they know it will hurt someone – but that hurt doesn’t even come close to the hurts they are feeling inside. And at that time – it never will.

However – did you notice that I said guilt first over anguish and sadness? We all feel guilt don’t we? And we should. Because I’m telling you that most suicides can be prevented. Simply by someone reaching out – physically – and touching that person who feels that way. Holding their hand and caring. Simple caring. It hardly takes more than that to bring someone back from the edge of escape.

But in this world – we don’t touch – we don’t show a lot of emotion. We like to watch it on tv or on the big screen. But we don’t want people to think we are weak or emotional. So we let those people who are suffering slip away because we don’t want to get involved. We’re too busy. It’s safer to let someone else do it. Send them to a professional. That’s what they are there for isn’t it?

Shame on us. Shame on the world for running away from suffering - because every single one of us suffers in some way. And every single one of us knows that a touch or a word of caring – true caring – can help bring a ray of sunshine back into our sad world.

Depression is a spiralling hole down into the darkness. A little kindness and caring goes a long way in helping those people climb back out of that void. Reach out and hug someone who is hurting. Really hug them. Listen to them if they try to talk to you. Really listen to them. You can hear the words and see the anguish if you pay attention. Let them know that you care. Really care. And don’t worry about saying the ‘right words’ to them. There are no ‘right or wrong words’. It’s the caring that counts.

The show that we usually put on for others? It’s transparent to a person who is suffering. So make it real. It’s not hard people. It’s not rocket science either. You don’t have to be a ‘professional’ to help - in fact some ‘professionals’ make it worse.

Remember that song? “Reach out and touch somebody’s hand – make this world a better place if you can.” It works people. More than you’ll ever know if you don’t ever give it a try.

I hope my honesty can help others. By saying that I’ve been there and back and by letting them know the world can be a better and happier place for those of us who suffer from depression. Then I’ve reached out a hand and given someone hope – even a little bit – and I’ve let them know that they are not alone.

That is why I am willing to write about it and put it out there for the whole world to see. I am willing to open my heart and my arms and my ears and be there for others who need me. I'm willing to read the emails from those in the same boat and try and help. I'm very willing to try because even a little bit goes a long way.


dND said...

I don't want to read such a powerful post and not leave a comment but the feelings from this post trigger so many memories. Again such a brave and strong post.

I'm sorry it can only be a virtual hug from here but it's sent your way.

Deborah x

aims said...

I just want to add here that I am not pointing fingers at anyone.

Please don't feel that something you've said to me is the cause of my depression or the reason for my writing.

My brain just needed to spew this morning.

aims said...

Thanks Deborah. I know it's a trigger for a lot of people - but it's also a ray of hope.

At least I hope it is and not a jumping off point for some.

When you feel like you're a microcosm in the macrocosm - or the other way around - you really aren't - but it's hard to think otherwise. Very hard.

I'm hoping in a very small way to be of help to others with these words.

Toni said...

It is a very powerful post, but so far away from the twisted reality I live in that I really have nothing to add. I am far to selfish to help other people and I was brought up firmly in the "straighten up and fly right" school of thought. When ever I have been desperate, and it has happened a few times, I have just gritted my teeth and got on with it. As a Catholic I wouldn't commit suicide, although many people who know me argue my lifestyle is one prolonged suicide attempt. I normally deal with my regular depressions with liberal amounts of booze and sad music, someimes I have meaningless sex but I prefer to internalize any suffering. Recently I was hospitalized and told by the doctor that I was unlikely to survive. It was quite a surreal moment because I always thought I would live forever, so it didn't really register my sister in law who drove me to the hospital was quite distraught, I knew it was serious because she doesn't really like me very much. But I got better, didn't change my lifestyle and just keep on going. People do care about others but at the end of the day you have to care about yourself if you want to live.

I am sorry to hear you had such problems in your life before but I am glad that you had people who loved you enough to take care of you. You are lucky.

Akelamalu said...

Thankyou for giving such an in depth insight into depression. Having never suffered from 'real' depression I would never have known how it feels. I am a touchy feely person naturally so am always ready with a hug and a willing ear. I know it's not always enough but I do try. x

Leatherdykeuk said...

I wish everyone would read this post and know just a little bit more about what to do.

Maggie May said...

Aims....... you are right. A person who is about to commit suicide does not/cannot worry about anyone else but just wants release from the problem and the hurting.
Yes...... I agree that a helping hand, a hug or just sitting there with that person, can stop them from doing it, for a time. However, there comes a time when you can't be there and they sneak off & do it.

I wish that I could give you a real hug and spend some time with you. Hope you can get by with the Man's love & hugs as he is there to hold you.X

Moonroot said...

I thoroughly agree with those who have commented on what a brave and strong piece of writing this is. It strikes many chords with me for many different reasons, and I think all that you have written is very true. Bravo for your bravery, your truth, your compassion!

Potty Mummy said...

That's a wonderful post Aims, and so true. I've never really suffered from depression - certainly not like you have - but my father has. And so I know at second hand how insular your world becomes, how it's not about other people but just about the person suffering and their pain. I think unless you've witnessed it up close you can't properly comprehend that. Luckily for my dad, mum was always there to reach out her hand. I just wish everyone in that situation had made as fortunate a choice in their partner as my father did.

Lane said...

Aims, this is such a great post. Not great for you obviously but great in that you explain so clearly how it feels to be suicidal.
Agree whole heartedly with leatherdykeuk - this is a post that people should read because I understand a little more from reading it. Thank you.

softinthehead said...

aims I want you to know I am reaching out to you, we all are, does that help a little? I dearly hope so, please try to stay strong and keep talking, you know we are all listening. love & hugs :)

Mean Mom said...

Well, I'm reaching out and hoping that it will help. Sorry I'm such a long way away. Here's a virtual hug and I will be thinking of you.

Biddie said...

That was incredible.
I wish that more people would - could - understand. You are so right. I am NOT going to call. I can't. I need someone to call me.
Shawn lost a brother to suicide when he (Shawn) was 12. His brother was..27, I think. He has never fully recovered and in some ways, he is still that 12 year old boy. I keep trying to explain to him that as a 12 year old, he really couldn't have done much. He feels so responsible, after more than 25 years.
I have come so close to killing myself soo many times. I think that my kids have kept me from ending it.
You have come so far, Aims. Thanks for telling your story. I wish that I was nearly half as brave :)

bermudabluez said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers, Aims. What really aggravates the crap out of me is people who just say, "pick yourself up by your bootstraps and move on...what's your problem?" I'd like them to feel what it's really like.

Thalia's Child said...

Oh, Aims.

My chest hurts from reading this post. I've never been sucked into the abyss as far as you have, and my experiences pale in comparison to yours.

I am so grateful for those two people who saved you when they did - you have been such a huge inspiration to me. Your honesty and bravery blow me away.

Much love honey - I wish I could wave a magic wand and make the hurt, anguish and despair go away.

The Finely Tuned Woman said...

In a depression you are so alone. It is as though no one can follow you there and be of comfort to you, so it is a very lonely place to be. Once you are determined to end your life, there is not much anyone can do to change your mind. It is a decision you come to on your own and singlehandedly decide upon. If you share it with the world, you will be stopped. This year, for some reason, I am not depressed in the winter. I thank all the gods that exist. Remember that it's a chemical imbalance. There are ways to fight it. To find relief.

Much love,

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

A very insightful perspective on the depth of your despair and mental state. Your most vital and important post/work to date. You have survived a mental breakdown and come back and sometimes teeter on the edge when life throws more googlies at you. What you have to say as a person who has experienced these depths is far more important than what any professional has to say who may be educated in mental health issues but hasn't truly experienced it. We need to know that a possible suicide does want help but very often the sheer depths of their depression makes them supremely uncommunicative and their body language screams to be left alone. In my experience too, some very high risk suicidal people are particularly adept at pretending they have no intention of dying and convince 'interfering busybodies' to go away and leave them alone.

It is our natural instinct to give a person what they want when they seem so insistent upon it. Your post will no doubt open a lot of eyes but I also suspect there must be as many differing views on how each individual person feels at that time. For example, is there perhaps just that additional level of despair that none of us can understand for those that actually manage to take their own lives? Or is it that their cry for help was ignored and they weren’t stopped in time? I suspect it may be a mixture of both. My uncle was insistent on killing himself and did so after a few attempts even though he was on 10 minutes obs in a psyche ward. He was furious they kept saving him and his sheer determination made it in the end – he insisted he did not want intervention and his anger was legendary in this case. My uncle was being protected and observed every 10 minutes by a team of professionals and he managed to do it – he would no doubt have managed it much quicker had he been left in the care of us – his family who were deeply concerned for him but couldn’t provide the level of care he truly needed. If the professionals couldn’t do it in a controlled environment we were on a hiding to nothing, as was borne out in the end. I have no anger at him, just sadness he had to leave and it was his deepest desire at that time. No one is to blame, it was his wish and I hope the dear man is at peace now.

I agree with your post – we should all help instead of turning away but sometimes we cannot dedicate the sheer volume of care needed as our lives demand we are elsewhere. There are many different levels of depression and despair – it’s knowing at which point someone is at that we are not all schooled in and causes us to make poor judgements. Yes we should care much more than we do and poor mental health has a long way to go to being accepted before some people realise that it is perfectly normal to be psychologically ill from time to time. A very thorny and topical subject and one that generates a great deal of thought and opinion. I think your role may be so very important in helping others come to terms with dealing with depression and coming through it. Good luck dear lady, you have so much to offer.

Crystal Jigsaw said...

Thought-provoking words, ones we need to be reminded of from time to time. Even though an ocean separates us I think about you often and hope you can feel me reaching out to hold your hand.

CJ xx

grandmamargie said...

Aims, as Crystal J said, miles separate us but I hope you know in your heart that you are in mine. I would hug you, hold your hand, wipe your tears and be whatever you needed me to be if I could be there with you. Sending love and hugs your way.

rosiero said...

Aims. Thank you so much for such a detailed analysis of what it feels like to be suicidal. I was watching a news programme only this morning in which a well-known TV personality here was talking about her recent breast cancer. She also has had a history of psychiatric illness and commented that in her experience people find it far easier to talk about cancer than they do to talk about mental illness.

I'm reaching out to hold your hand. You know that, don't you?

Daryl said...

You my friend are a special and unique woman ... stronger than you think but not as strong as some of us believe ... proud to be your friend! xo

aims said...

Every single person's depression is their own.

I'm talking about my own experiences and a few of the people I have helped when they were suicidal.

The first thing I want to do when I am is depressed is run away from everyone - be alone - keep the world away. (And I'm very good at faking a happy face - lots of practice.)

Everyone's first reaction is to run away from someone who is depressed.

So here we have everyone running in the opposite directions - when we need to get together and talk.

On the psyche ward I was on 24hour suicide watch. I couldn't go to the bathroom without someone standing beside me. I couldn't take a bath or a shower without someone sitting on the side of the tub. I had to participate in the regiment of the day with a keeper. I was never left alone.

I'm sure every place is different - different ideas about mental health - different rules.

But from the inside looking out - this is how it was - for me.

If I had succeeded - it would have been my fault. No-one else's. My desire - my wish - my doing. I have never laid the reason for my wishes at anyone else's feet - always pointing the finger at my own brain.

The world needs educating about mental health. There are so many different issues that the idea of getting a grip on it is beyond imagination.

Everyone can help - one hug at a time. Even if it is virtual!

Laura said...

Reading this post it felt like you were in my head for part of it. Thank you for sharing. While I don't truly want to commit suicide right now, I don't want to be here either. Wishing for a car wreck or heart attack is kind of suicidal I suppose.
Anyway, thank you for your post. I'm glad I read it. I'm sending you a virtual hug too.

david mcmahon said...

That is such a powerful (and empowering) post, Aims. You are a terrific writer and the way you open your heart to others is redolent of great generosity.

(Off-post, thank you for the links you left me - he work is amazing.)

BT said...

Hello again aims. What an incredibly powerful post that was. 9 months you were in hospital? That is amazing. I was in for 5 weeks and that was enough. I, like you, wanted to hide from everyone and didn't want anyone to know I was suffering from mental health problems. I couldn't answer the phone or walk down the street.

We are all so different in that situation. I'm not sure I would have responded to the hugs and chats. I, too, was wonderful at keeping 'a happy face' to convince the staff I was fine to be left alone!

Anyway, enough about me. I am so so glad that you were taken to hospital and it enabled you to carry on with life. You are so lucky to have The Man as I'm sure you know. It's so hard for partners to cope with depression. I have 2 close relatives who have both lived (and still live) with sufferers and I know how they have struggled.

If I were nearer, there would be hugs a plenty and tea and anything else that might help. 'Call me' is the most useless thing anyone can say, I agree wholeheartedly there.

Such virtual love as I can offer is yours, my friend.


Melanie said...

Hia Aims, I think you are writing as honestly as you can about one of the biggest tabboos in Western Society. We can talk about gynacology with friends yet somehow if that same friend were to talk of feeling suicidal, I'm sure we would start to squirm. Maybe some would change the subject, or talk to someone across the room, maybe some would start to think "am I being told this because I have let this person down" and make it all about them, but maybe just maybe taking the courageous step of talking, would bring about some understanding.

I think Blogland is the right sort of place to discuss these sort of issues. You have time to get over the squirming stage, you can go and chat to someone, you have time to examine your own reaction, then finally you can re read and hopefully read what is written rather than concentrating on your own emotional reaction.

As usual Aims, you get me thinking. Trying to understand more. Trying to be more understanding.

BT said...

aims, on a very different not, if you don't want to do this, fine. I can't do the 'tag' thing being useless at this blogging stuff:

25 Things Meme from LeatherdykeUK Now From me!!
Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.

dawn said...

I am just catching up on your posts now. I am so sorry you have been going through all this. This post was most excellent in it's information because as you said, most people shy away from the sadness and depression of others and the unknown. Very good advice and so true of people who are depressed; they can't reach out and can't see beyond their own pain.

travelling, but not in love said...

Aims, an amazing post. I've said it before, but 'there but by the grace of god* go all of us'...

*god/allah/zeus/mystical being in the sky/good luck rather than judgement/etc...

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

Thank you for the courage to write such a post so publicly...

I have a black dog that follows me...though not as dark as yours and not as often...

I applaud you....



Brett said...

Just read your last 2 post, i can understand your feelings, i have the scar to prove it. But before you do anything re read your blog and the comments on it, it a story of hope over despair and the comments show just how much people need to hear this to lift themselves out of the dark.

Merisi said...

Thank you for sharing your hard won wisdom with us.

Your Post of the Day award is well deserved, congratulations, you are a terrific writer!

Carolina said...

Don't know what to say, except: thanks for sharing. Very brave and strong and loving post.
Another virtual hug is coming your way!

Debbie said...

I came over from David's and am so glad that I did. This is the most honest and beautifully written post. Thank you for using your experiences to help others.

Millennium Housewife said...

What an utterly astounding post, incrdibly raw and honest about a subject we all tend to shy away from. Having gone through two bouts of post natal depession I know just what you mean about people persisiting in keeping in contact with you, no matter how awful your company has become a true friend holds your hand through it and waits with you until you can be 'yourself' again. Thankyou so much for writing this, the more people who are aware that depression is as much a disease than any other the better. MH

Tessa said...

I'm incredulous at your bravery...and generousity in sharing these words with us. Thank you so very, very much.

Deb said...

Hi ~ I arrived here from POTD and can see why David chose this powerful, honest post. This is my first visit here and there is so much to take in and reflect on. This is an important message for all to hear. And even though we just met - here's a hug and warm thoughts being sent to you straight from my heart. Take Care.

Chapati said...

Hey, saw this on POTD...

You write what I couldn't - thank you! So very powerful, so very thought-provoking!



katherine. said...

also by way of have shared a part of your way in a very insightful post. I am keeping it to read again later.

well done.

KatduGers said...

What an amazing post. You may not believe it, but to have gone through what you have, and to have come out the other side is amazing in itself. You are a lot stronger than you think. If there were more people willing to talk about mental illness and depression in the way that you just have, perhaps more people would have some inkling of what their friend/relative is going through.

There's a blog award waiting for you on my blog!

Long distance hugs from
Kat x

Anonymous said...

OK, I have a question. What happens if the person you need to reach out and help doesn't really need your help but someone else's.

But that 'someone else' can't see that, can't see what changes they need to make, because they have never experienced the kind of despair you talk about and will never understand what the person is looking for and why they are feeling the way they are feeling.

What happens if you are doing absolutely everything you can do to help, but what is upsetting them is upsetting you too - you need your own outlets. What happens if you find out, suddenly, that you are not the rock they need you to be.

Without drastically changing your lifestyle you can't really see what else to do.

Deep down you know its never going to be enough, because it's not really you that they want help from, and deep down you know that although it hasn't got to the point you write about, it could well do.

aims said...

To Anonymous -

I had this happen to me. My friend's anguish dragged me down with her and it was one of the factors that put me in the psyche ward. I couldn't tell her that because her loss was so much greater than mine. So I guess I sacrificed part of my sanity to save hers.

Did it do any good? For her - I think I did help her - all these years later. She didn't kill herself when that is all that she wanted to do.

But for me? I was far more fragile afterwards and I suffered a great deal because I had no outlet for taking on part of her burden.

Like the scriptures say - No greater love has a man than to lay down his life for a friend.

I guess that's it.

So what to do?

I assume you have talked to the person that doesn't 'see' what is going on - the one that is needed to 'see'?

If nothing comes of that - than you need to find an outlet very quickly for how you are feeling. But don't stop giving to that person who is on the verge. Taking love and caring away can have tragic results as we all know.

Please use my 'contact me' and email me. I would be happy to try and get you and your friend through this.

Anonymous said...

Yep - have spoken to the person. Sometimes he does the best he can within the limits of his personality and the way he shows love and affection. Sometimes he really doesn't.

As soon as I realised the effect it was having on me I have found ways of dealing with it, an outlet.

I can't stand the emotional blackmail, the 'you don't need me/you don't care' when I very very clearly do. But I can see, because I have been there, how someone's actions can make you feel like that even if things were not intended to be taken that way.

It's just...I don't know what I can do. I feel like I need to tiptoe around for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing, and I know that won't be good for me. Besides, I'm not really very good at it.

Anonymous said...

To add to that - I just know I need to do something. Depression, I assume, isn't just a sudden thing that happens. I assume it is something that builds up gradually, takes a hold slowly.

As I said, things arn't at the stage of clinical depression or suicide. Or even nearly there. I just know that if things don't change, there is a possibility that they could get there...I really don't want that to happen but have no idea how to stop it.

Toni said...

It sounds stupid for me to say this when you have exposed so much emotion and from the volume of posters it is clear that a lot of other people have been affected by your post, but the reality is you have to keep going there may not be light at the end of the tunnel but you have to try to find it.

aims said...

To Anonymous - PLEASE use my *contact me* link and send me an email.


pearl4211 said...

Hello, I just wanted to say thanks for speaking out. Many can't do what you have done is be brave and tell your story. I admire that and I am proud of you. Much luck and if I was there I would give you a hug.

pearl4211 said...

I'd like to say, I am proud of you immensely. Sad to say I personally don't have the bravery to post my life online for everyone to see. I applaud you for your bravery and I know this will help countless others in their strife to look beyond and that suicide is not an appropriate option and there is life beyond the gates that depression has set forth. I am proud of you and happy for you and I hope that your life continues to bless you with happiness and countless blessings.

Anickdaler said...

I should start making a list of posts that express my feelings far better than I could and use them when my words have stopped.

Thank you.

Suburbia said...

Thanks for writing this post. I often see you about but have never visited.

My mother was suisidal about 17 years ago. She is well now but it was so hard to know how best to deal with it and her at the time.

And then a few years later I suffered with post natal depression. I wasn't susidal but it did give me an insight into how depression affects us from within and our loved ones too.

Now, as my marriage disintergrates slowly around me, I am hoping that my husband does not travel down this slippery route. I cannot help him, for I am trying to be free, but I think he needs someone to reach out to him. I just don't think it should be me.

Anna said...

Very touching post.

I haven't been really suicidal - I was once in a place where I wanted to die, but didn't have the energy to even consider how I'd go about killing myself.

For me, the matter of other people was easy. They'd be better off if I wasn't there, I'd be doing them a favour. Sure they'd be upset for a while, but ultimately their lives would be better without me. Which I guess just goes to show how sick I was - thank goodness for my psychiatric nurse who helped me to make myself better.

The problem with depression of course is (and you'll hate me for saying this) that those people who say "pull yourself together" are sort of right. Because in the end it's the depressed person who has to work bloody hard to make themselves well again - and usually it's too difficult to do without the help and guidance of a professional, and the love and support of friends and family.

But "you have to do this yourself" is the last thing a depressed person wants to hear, they just want someone to wave a magic wand and cure them, and sadly that can't happen.

小貓咪 said...

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Anamika said...

Reading your post felt like reading my life from a few years ago with a few variations. I never had to go to the psych ward...but I did withdraw from life totally - quit school, left home, moved in with bf only to tell him every day that I plan to leave US and live my final few days in some mountains somewhere. I am scared of heights btw, so i guess he kept telling himself I will never have the energy to go anywhere. I didn't. He looked after me while I went from depressed to crazy darkly depressed. Some time later i thought if he is willing to love me despite all that, I should marry him. So i did. I am not sure when the fog lifted, but lately I have only had to deal with milder cycles of depression that I live thru by reminding myself that this too will pass.

I can't offer you much besides telling you in all honesty that I understand what you described. I am not sorry that u had to go thru those 9 is just your share of life's worldly challenges. Don't mean to be unsympathetic at all by saying this - this is just how I perceive my depression. But I am sorry that we live in a world that can discuss sex with children but not discuss mental health challenges openly and fairly. A big virtual hug for you from this depressed stranger. You are brave to be able to write out your experiences so honestly.

Kaya Camilla said...

I've been there. It's true. When you feel there's no end to your pain but death. No one else will make everything better but the one who caused you tremendous unbearable pain. And you feel hopeless and you feel regret that you can't go back and start your life all over. When you feel that whatever you do just leads to another series of unfortunate events and that all ending comes to death, so why don't end it soon? Funny, a week before I decided to kill myself, I read Paolo Coelho's "Veronika Decides to Die", asked our corporate nurse on what's the best sleeping pill that will last for good, "googled" what's the least painful way for suicide... And then the moment came, I'm alone in my dark suffocating room, I grabbed a knife from the kitchen and went to the bathroom...finding myself stupid and crying like a child. Then I received a text message from my lover, asking how I am. I immediately got up from the toilet seat and changed my clothes. And I ran to where hope is.The lesson: every second you think of your loved one matter.