Friday, January 16, 2009

Now - Once More - With Feeling......

Okay – I admit it. I’m back.

I’ve been lurking around a few places – a few – not many – so if you’ve seen me in your sitemeter – thanks for not saying anything.

Having been away now for almost 6 weeks - I’ve been sitting on the seesaw – wondering if I should continue or just throw in the towel. The towel has won so many times and in the three days that I’ve actually been home I’ve thrown it in the wash each day to see if the outcome changes when it comes out of the dryer.

I guess what it comes to is this.

I promised to tell about New Orleans and I promised to finish ‘The Man Tales'.

I always try to keep my promises.

So I will continue.

For a while.

But not today.

Today I’m just saying – I’m back.

I’m still grieving. And perhaps I always will. Today I wrote my best friend in the world and told her I felt like Ms. Bojangles. Another 20 years and perhaps my grieving will be done. But I don’t think or feel that is so.

As with the rest of the world – I feel the weight of depression that is taking over us all.

Now I have battled mental depression before and succeeded. I succeeded so well that I didn’t think I would ever be back here again. But I am the first to admit it and point the finger in my direction. I knew all along, underneath my smiling face – that there would be something that would set me off. You would think it would be something else than what did – but there you go. It’s happened – I admit it. I’m depressed.

However – I know how to work at it. To overcome it. And I have started on that particular journey once again.

But if I seem down and sombre – well – I am.

Overlook it. I’ll try for others – I will. Will I try for me? Honestly? I don’t know.

So for now. I’m back.

I’ll tell you all about New Orleans, then I’ll do a recap on ‘The Man Tales’ so far and then I’ll finish the story.

Oh! One other thing. For quite a while now I’ve been unable to respond to comments left here. I just couldn’t. But hopefully I’ll be able to do so again. I know it means quite a lot to some of you.

Okay – stay tuned.


Akelamalu said...

Well I'm happy to see you back but I'm sorry you're depressed m'dear. Maybe writing again will ease the depression eh? I hope so. x

Moonroot said...

Dearest Aims,

Sending you a big hug. I'm sorry you are feeling so depressed. I am thinking of you, and sending you love.

Lane said...

I'm glad to see you back but so sorry to hear you're not feeling that good. You can tell us about your trip and finish The Man Tales just whenever you're ready and not a minute before. The same goes for replying to comments. As and when Aims. As and when. Just take care of yourself. x

Beckie said...

Its already been said - I'm glad you're back, but I'm sorry you're not feeling top of the morning. Take care of you. Hugs.

dND said...

Welcome back Aims. Just reading your post shows me just how far you've come. The acknowledgement of limitations coupled with the positive outlook - how you are going to tackle the down bits - is the basis of recovery.

So well done, you'll know when you are ready to finish the story and to comment and we'll still be here.

Hugs and love,
Deborah x

Leatherdykeuk said...

Good to see you back :)

Don't worry about commenting. No-one's keeping score.

Mean Mom said...

Great to know that you're around again! Welcome back! Sorry about the depression. Hope you get a bit of a lift, when you realise how many people are pleased to see you back.

KatduGers said...

Hi Aims,

Glad you're back, and I hope the depression can lift somewhat.

Everyone deals with grief in their own way, and you just have to work though it in whatever way you can.

It's not that easy though, is it?

Take care

Maggie May said...

I am glad to see you back but really sorry that you are depressed.
Hope it will pass. Don't worry about the promises..... for now.
Mind you, it might help to start writing again. Just do what feels right for you.
((hugs)) X

Cathy said...

Hello Aims
Good to hear fromm you again - laughed at the washing bit.
Old saying but no good for some - 'It'll all come out in the wash'
Take care

softinthehead said...

Welcome back, take your time - you know all your friends will wait patiently to hear what you have to write, it is always worth reading. Hugs :)

the rotten correspondent said...

I'm thrilled that you're back. Not at all thrilled about the depression. Please do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.

We're here if you need us. I hope you realize that.

Junebug said...

Hi Aims. I'm willing to wait. You take care of yourself.

bermudabluez said...

I understand this more than you know. Just take care of you, aims. We'll all be here when you are ready. Sending love and hugs to you, my friend.

TSannie said...

Well, darn it! I am so glad to hear your ~voice~ again. I've really missed you. Go to strong, friend.

Lola said...

It looks like a lot of people missed you. I'm one of them too. Look after yourself.

rosiero said...

Dear Aims. So glad you are back safely. I have missed you and been wondering how your trip to New Orleans went. I had prayed it would be the making of you and so sorry you are still feeling down, but understand perfectly why. You don't have to apologise for feeling that way. Love n hugs. rosiero x

Henry North London said...

I know the feeling Ive been blogging for a run of 14 days and suddenly Ive run completely out of steam, have doubled my stats and feel completely disinterested, my dreams are wilder than reality and I have no interest in tidying the house, looking after the dog or looking after myself

Ironically Im poised at the point of getting a job because I need one to have money but even that isnt interesting anymore

Its almost as if I dont care.

Depression is terrible when it rehits.

Hang on in there

Henry North London said...

I was working but the GMC swooped on me in November at the end of my relaxing holiday and created havoc

Im recovering

Henry North London said...

I need to up the fish oil, and the anti ds

Its time for an increased dose.... Its the only thing that works, If I up the dose of the Anti Ds that gets me back to where I used to be

Not having anything to do apart from tidy up is seriously getting me down aswell

Anonymous said...

Hugs of welcome Aims.
You were right some of the fabric is familiar. If you look carefully in the Be Attitudes Quilt I'm making you will see more. I wanted to put a little of you in it. Seemed important. Now I know.

Like you said, you have battled depression and won. You know this adversary. You know it's weaknesses and how to win through. You have courage. You know you CAN get through this. I have faith in you Aims. You have guts.

Daryl said...

Happy to see you .. sorry to hear you are feeling so sad ... wish I could help .. xoxox

dulwichmum said...

A big hug to you. Welcome back sweetie.

DM x

Amy said...

Welcome back! Just do whatever you need to do. We're on your side, you know.

Biddie said...

I'm glad that you're back. I was hoping that you would be feeling better...Depression is insidious. Just when you think that you have it beat, you go another round.
I hope that you know we are all thinking of you.
Hugs xx

Potty Mummy said...

Welcome back, Aims. No response required.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Welcome back Aims. Who knows what triggers melancolic episodes but at least you know what had caused this latest one and you know how to climb out of it. Just being able to recignise it means that you are winning half the battle already - that is a heck of a lot of progress from the first time you became ill.

We'll be checking in on you to see how you are fairing but don't put yourself under pressure to do or say anything that you are not ready for. Good mental health takes persistent work so see to yourself first before anything else. Hugs, you know you can tell yourself that things will get better.

BT said...

So glad you're back Aims but so sorry you're depressed. I do know the feeling, believe me. Just do what you feel you are able to do, no more. Don't worry about responding to comments. It's not expected, from me anyway.

Hugs to you


david mcmahon said...

Yes, I'm staying tuned.

aims said...

Thank you to each and every one of you who have commented here - and to all who didn't as well.

The kindness of bloggers and readers throughout the virtual world always amazes me.

Here - in this quiet - lonely house - friends seem very far away.
Yet when I open up my comments - you are right here and offering me hugs and friendship and even love.

It makes deciding to continue easier and throws a cacophony of laughter and noise into the emptiness that is in my heart.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Brett said...

Welcome back i was so happy to see you comment on my blog as i knew you were back.

CrazyCath said...

Me too babe. Just ticking along and can't do no more for now. Down but not out eh?

Just keep ticking. A day, an hour, a minute at a time.
Do it for you. No one else. Just you.

grandmamargie said...

Aims, my heart hurts for you. I'm glad you are willing to "try for others" but am concerned that you are questioning whether or not to try for yourself. You are beautiful Aims, and you've touched so many hearts/lives with your own life. Please, please love yourself for the wonderful person you are. As far as writing and comments, I agree with others. Don't let anything pressure you. We will be here when you are ready. I sincerely hope you keep pulling the towel back out of the dryer even if you have to throw it back in the wash once in a while. With hugs and love. Margie

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad to have you back. I'll contact you soon on the headphones. Take care and remember how loved you are.

CJ xx

sexy said...