I am Overwhelmed Today

Have you ever wakened from a dream of your past that is so real that you look about your house and don't recognize it?

Last night has completely thrown me. I dreamed of the beater and no matter how many times I awoke I went right back to dreaming of him again. Even after two cups of coffee I feel I am still wandering about in that rather hazy land - working at the bar and serving drinks - wondering if I should go with him if he asks and wondering if he will ask!

It's not the first time I've dreamed of him nor do I expect it to be the last. For the first 15 years after I ran from the relationship, I dreamed about the beatings and his smooth way that lead up to them. Those dreams happened nearly every single night. Now I'm just grateful that they only happen occasionally. I wish there was a big hole where I could throw all my memories and cover them up and not have them haunt me so. I know that hole is The Wailings and how I wish I had time to write that instead of continually working on renovations for this big blue barn.

I've often wondered what brings these dreams into the land where I walk each night. Was it the heavy fog we've been having here reminding me of the past or was it some other trigger? I know when I awoke this morning I was totally disoriented. I expected a teal green room when I opened my eyes instead of my deep wine covered walls and my wrought iron four poster.

I could almost smell his cigarettes and the left-over smell the bar left on your skin before showering and I've been in a daze ever since. I guess it's time to get my headphones on and listen to an audio book as I work.

There is one other thing that has been on my mind constantly since my return from New Orleans.

First is the struggle my friend Maggie May has been having as she battles her chemo treatments. I don't know if I'd have her strength but my heart is with her as she tries to deal with the effects of her cancer treatment.

The second is learning of the death of my wonderful friend Dr. John. It seemed when I left that he was slowly bouncing back from an illness, yet when I returned I found in the comment section that he had slipped the bonds of this earth and gone to his maker. I will miss his gentle humour and his helpful comments. It's hard to lose a friend and not be there - or even know how to get there except virtually. No more breathing treatments Dr. John - just peace.

I've also been thinking of all my friends that are struggling these days - The Green Stone Woman, Deborah, Alice, Ana, Crystal Jigsaw, Polergirl, Addy, Saz, Ann- so many that I go from thinking of one to the other. I've experienced some of the struggles my friends are having and I wish I could reach out and give them my hand and say it will be okay. There are so many people who are struggling lately - is it that time of the year or the stress of living in this day and age?

So here's my thoughts for today. I will post a bit about New Orleans later.