Thursday, March 4, 2010

I am Overwhelmed Today

Have you ever wakened from a dream of your past that is so real that you look about your house and don't recognize it?

Last night has completely thrown me. I dreamed of the beater and no matter how many times I awoke I went right back to dreaming of him again. Even after two cups of coffee I feel I am still wandering about in that rather hazy land - working at the bar and serving drinks - wondering if I should go with him if he asks and wondering if he will ask!

It's not the first time I've dreamed of him nor do I expect it to be the last. For the first 15 years after I ran from the relationship, I dreamed about the beatings and his smooth way that lead up to them. Those dreams happened nearly every single night. Now I'm just grateful that they only happen occasionally. I wish there was a big hole where I could throw all my memories and cover them up and not have them haunt me so. I know that hole is The Wailings and how I wish I had time to write that instead of continually working on renovations for this big blue barn.

I've often wondered what brings these dreams into the land where I walk each night. Was it the heavy fog we've been having here reminding me of the past or was it some other trigger? I know when I awoke this morning I was totally disoriented. I expected a teal green room when I opened my eyes instead of my deep wine covered walls and my wrought iron four poster.

I could almost smell his cigarettes and the left-over smell the bar left on your skin before showering and I've been in a daze ever since. I guess it's time to get my headphones on and listen to an audio book as I work.

There is one other thing that has been on my mind constantly since my return from New Orleans.

First is the struggle my friend Maggie May has been having as she battles her chemo treatments. I don't know if I'd have her strength but my heart is with her as she tries to deal with the effects of her cancer treatment.

The second is learning of the death of my wonderful friend Dr. John. It seemed when I left that he was slowly bouncing back from an illness, yet when I returned I found in the comment section that he had slipped the bonds of this earth and gone to his maker. I will miss his gentle humour and his helpful comments. It's hard to lose a friend and not be there - or even know how to get there except virtually. No more breathing treatments Dr. John - just peace.

I've also been thinking of all my friends that are struggling these days - The Green Stone Woman, Deborah, Alice, Ana, Crystal Jigsaw, Polergirl, Addy, Saz, Ann- so many that I go from thinking of one to the other. I've experienced some of the struggles my friends are having and I wish I could reach out and give them my hand and say it will be okay. There are so many people who are struggling lately - is it that time of the year or the stress of living in this day and age?

So here's my thoughts for today. I will post a bit about New Orleans later.


Maggie May said...

Thanks Aims for thinking of me. We are all here to help each other.
Sorry about Dr. John. Also feel for all the others who I know are struggling. The ones that you mentioned. However we mustn't let other peoples' problems affect our own health.
Hope you feel better soon. X

Nuts in May

aims said...

Thank you Maggie. I hadn't even considered if my concerns for my friends was affecting my health or not. I know at one time I couldn't disassociate myself from others problems but I think I learned how to do that in 'the hall'.

Now I just ache for them and pray that everyone gets healthier. You are at the top of the list.


TSannie said...

Thinking of you, my friend. So sorry for the loss of Dr. John. And to Maggie May and all the others - I'm sending positive thoughts and virtual hugs.

The Green Stone Woman said...

Thank you for thinking of us, Aims. You are a more than kind soul. Don't forget to take care of yourself well. You come first, after all. We all bounce back one way or the other. Somehow we are indestructible. Tough broads of the universe, that's what we are. I am sorry, though, about your friend Dr John. That is sad news. I hope you have happier dreams soon. It's tough when old personages come to haunt us in them.

Akelamalu said...

Dr. John was a great loss to the blogosphere and I too admire Maggie's courage. It is difficult not to let the past affect our lives but the past is just that - passed. You have moved on m'dear, let it remain there. x

Leatherdykeuk said...

We all lose our loved ones but are better for having their lives touch ours. So sorry about your dreams, dear friend.

Anonymous said...

I wonder sometimes if traumatic dreams are there to help our unconscious minds to de-sensitise to an experience.

Sorry you lost a friend. Hugs

FlowerLady said...

Dear Aims ~ I'm sorry for the loss of your friend Dr. John. I'm also sorry that you are haunted by dreams from the past. Be well, in body, mind and spirit.

I don't know some of the others you have mentioned. I do visit Green Stone Woman's blog pretty regularly and my heart goes out to her and all of you who are struggling.

Love, hugs and prayers ~ FlowerLady

Anonymous said...

Oh Aims, thank you for thinking of me, I feel quite humble now. I've been told that if we ask for a peaceful night sleep before we drift off, that is what we will receive. It seems to work when I've tried, but too often I forget. Hope your nightmares pass. X

Bernie said...

You are such a kind and caring person......I too worry about Maggie.
I also have noticed that so many of my blogger friends are ill and have problems.....I'm not sure if its just at this time or if we all are becomong closer to each other so we feel even more when one is hurting or ill.
Take care of yourself and I pray you sleep well tonight without that painful dream.
........:-) Hugs

bermudabluez said...

Dear Aims...I so wish you peaceful dreams tonight and every night. May the bad dreams go away and stop torturing you. Blessings to you, my friend.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for thinking of me, it's put a smile on my face to come back after a few days break and know that people out there care :)

Please don't let thinking of others get in the way of you being happy though, nobody would want that. I think it's definitely to do with the time of year, that or there's something in the water.

Am still looking forward to hearing your latest round of New Orleans adventures!

Alice Stroppel said...

Thanks Aims, but I had very small problems that aren't anymore. You take care of yourself first, don't worry about things you can't do anything about. Life just comes at us, we all have to deal with our own. Positive thoughts sent to a person is much better than worry. So I'm sending positive thoughts to you and all your friends. I'm also sending beautiful dreams......Don't know how to do anything else.


BT said...

Poor Maggie, I hope she recovers her full strength at the end of the chemo.

aims, I often dream of my first husband, who was also a beater. I am always in the same situation, unable to get away from him and afraid. I know how it stays with you all day sometimes and feels just too real. I am usually ok the following day, as long as it doesn't happen again too soon. How these relationships are carved in our memories. Hugs to you. xxxx

Anonymous said...

Dreams are such a mish mash of our thoughts, yours are obviously very vivid.

As a blogging community it is so welcoming to know we are thinking of eachother. Life goes on, struggles in between, there's always light ahead.

Love K xx

Henry North London said...

Sorry to hear this, I know I feel overwhelmed aswell and its not easy

Daryl said...

Hugs coming your way ..