I didn’t know that my world was flat. But I found that out when I tipped over the edge of it and fell into the unknown and emptiness that welcomed me with open arms.
As I have said, by the time D and N went through those locking doors at the end of the hall – I had indeed tipped over the edge. I don’t know if it was them walking away and leaving me there that did it – I would like to think it wasn’t – but it happened.
I had a complete and total mental breakdown.
Not one that I went into screaming and wailing – but a quiet mental meltdown that stranded me in nowhere land. By the time the nurses (vultures) arrived with my pajamas and housecoat, I didn’t know where I was or who I was. Certainly not who these people (?) were who were forcing me to undress (what was the matter with my own clothes?)
In moments I forgot entirely about D and N and I only knew that I was sitting on a bed somewhere and everything smelled like antiseptic.
Those people made me change and took away my clothes and gave me some pills. When I went to the bathroom, they followed me. I could never pee let alone evacuate my bowels with anyone present, so I sat there and stared at the person. Eventually she stood outside the door and continually knocked and asked me if I was all right. That was slightly better, but the thought of them listening to me pee mortified me and I couldn’t.
My crying had subsided mostly into a whimper, but I couldn’t stop wringing my hands. That action made it hard for me to do anything for a long time as I just couldn’t stop. Eventually I noted that I was in a room with three other beds and I wandered out of there, only to get immediately lost.
I did not know where I was. I did not know who I was.
I know it sounds impossible to forget who you are, but believe me it does happen.
I stood against the wall and cried, dropping my Kleenex around me when it fell out of my wringing hands. Those (vultures) continually checked on me and made me swallow pills. Then they checked my mouth to make sure I had done so and eventually led me back to my room – pointing out my name on the little card by the side of the door. I didn’t know who they were talking about.
Everywhere I went, even just to sit on the bed they said was mine, they followed me. Sometimes I understood their language, sometimes I didn’t. During those times I just ignored them. When I looked into the polished steel that was suspended over the bathroom sink – I saw a stranger. So I ignored her too.
Mealtime on that first day soon revealed that I was indeed a freak and that they didn’t have any food for me. Intolerant to gluten, and with the kitchen closed, I went hungry and wondered what I had done to be punished so.
Eventually they gave me some more pills and helped me into bed. I cried and cried, wringing my hands under the blankets, hungry and alone in my own little world. All through the night they came in to the room and checked on me.
The woman in the bed beside me got up at 3am and talked to herself. I felt it was my duty to help her and I got up too and together we went into the lunchroom and worked on something she had devised in her own world. I didn’t have a clue what it was then and I don’t now. But much like a religious leader - I felt compelled to try to heal her with my words. Eventually I wore out and the (vultures) took me back to the room once more after I started crying that I was lost. I forgot about my neighbor instantly as I huddled in my blankets and wondered what tomorrow would bring in this strange new world.
My blank mind rested.