Why?
Why does love have to hurt so much?
Why does it have to be so fleeting?
Why does love make your heart cleave in half and fall apart? What do you do with that huge hole that is left?
Why does love strangle your brain with emotions that should never occur to anyone?
Who decided that this was love? Who decided that we are just marionettes in some master game? Who decided to taunt us with fleeting happiness? Who thought life should be something that is built up – then smashed when it is going good – then taunted with the hope of something in the future?
Why do I just want to lie down and give up one last breath and let go?
Why do I lie awake all night and stare through the dark at nothing?
Why are tears endless?
Why does everything I love get taken away when I have had so little in my life?
Am I a bad person? Did I do something to deserve this kind of hell on earth?
Why and who am I angry with or at? Me? God? Is there a God? If there is – why is he so cruel? Why is life so unfair?
Why put these angels here on earth only to take them away so quickly and so cruelly?
Why give us hearts at all if they are only toys to break at a whim?
Why do we do this?
What is death? Do we go somewhere afterwards? Do we wait somewhere on the other side of that horizon? Do we all get together afterwards and get to be happy forever? Is happy a true feeling? Is love?
WHY? DAMN IT! WHY?
Why does love hurt so much? Will the pain really ever go away?
Why?
Is this some kind of insane grieving or just some kind of insanity? (at this point I really don't know)
And do I really want to know the answer?
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Goodbye My Dolly
Passed away at 8pm October 27, 2008
Taking with her my heart for always and forever.
Friday, October 17, 2008
A Much Needed Break
The Man and I have not had a holiday for two years. He is burnt out from a very stressful job and I am burnt out from watching him get into this state and from Dolly's condition.
I believe it was 6 months ago that The Man handed me 2 tickets to see Celine Dion in Vancouver. He had tried to get tickets for Edmonton which is only a 2 hour drive from here - but they were sold out. So he opted for Vancouver. At the time we didn't know any of this would be going on or those tickets wouldn't have been purchased.
Some of you may ask why we would want to see Celine Dion. The Man goes to watch my face and to see how happy a concert like this makes me. As for me? I admire Ms. Dion greatly. I remember when she was a young girl and they played her first release (in French) on the radio. They said to watch this girl as she was going to go places. I have admired her dedication to her craft and to her husband and now her son. She has gone for what she wanted and she has more than excelled at it. Being Canadian adds to my admiration for we don't have a ton of people in this country who have gone out and shone like Ms. Dion. Then of course there is her ability to sing. She has an incredible set of pipes on her.
We went to see her show in Vegas at Ceasar's Palace and we were both blown away. It was incredible! We didn't know what to expect when we sat down in that unbelievable theater, but I sat there with tears streaming down my face for half of the performance and my mouth open in wonder at the other half. I know she sometimes seems like a hick who is overdoing the emotions - but to watch her face at the end of the show and see how touched she was by our admiration - well.... I believed the tears she had in her eyes were real. Those are hard to fake.
So now that she is touring again we thought it would be neat to see what kind of show she puts on out on the road. We'll be finding out on Tuesday night at the BC Place in Vancouver.
As it works out, my brother is leaving for his two-week holiday on the same day we are leaving for Vancouver. He has 3 cats. Two of them are beautiful Himalayans and of course his cats are his children as well.
So his three cats arrived on Thursday and they will remain here while we go away. My dear friend who lives right down the street and who was my roommate on the hall is going to look after my brother's cats while we take Dolly with us. Bless her soul for her generosity. My friend has such a huge heart and I know she will look after these precious angels like they were her own. Friends like that are hard to find. I remember very well the doctors telling us that making friends with a fellow nutcase is the worst thing in the world to do. We have proved them wrong on so many counts.
As for taking Dolly with us? There is no way I could leave her behind - even with the best of care. I would fall apart being away from her and not knowing how she is doing. Dolly has slept with her head on my pillow and her little furry body spooned into my chest - every single night for 16 years. We both think it's the best part of the day.
I actually got up the nerve to take her to the vet myself on Wednesday. Her problem at the moment is constipation and she is on enough laxatives to clean out a horse. On top of that she needs to be hydrated to give her enough fluids to help move things along and of course it makes her nauseous. I am unable to do something like that. My nerves just won't let me. So The Man went over and got a lesson on how to do it and he has been giving her fluids twice a day and will continue to do so until she poops regularly. Injecting fluids under the skin just makes me nauseous myself.
I was shaking so hard when I took her into the vets and of course it made her shake as well. Even with the xanax that the doctor prescibed for me - well - I'm just getting by.
I've got multiple whammies to deal with concerning this trip. I am terrified of leaving the barn for extended periods of time. I can go out and come back in as long as it is someplace familiar that I am going. If not then I get all panicky and nauseous. So that is one. Dolly's health and the fact that she has never travelled anywhere except to the vets is two. The third is the fact that I won't be able to keep up my production knitting while we travel and that the date of the huge craft shows looms closer by the second.
The only thing that keeps me sort of safe is the fact that we are towing our little house behind us and we can stop at any time and I can go and sit in it. Our little 13 foot trailer is going to be right behind our car and The Man is going to be sitting right beside me and Dolly is going to be on my lap.
Now if all this sounds a bit muddled it's because I didn't sleep last night with the anxiety of it all. Today I have to pack the trailer and prepare food and somehow fit some knitting into my day. I will be taking yarn to work on bears while we drive. We will be picking up my 90 yr. old aunt who lives in Vancouver and taking her over to Vancouver Island and dropping her off at her 79 yr. old brother's. They are the only 2 children left out of 5. We will visit with them both then until Tuesday morning and then we will catch the ferry back to Vancouver and go to the concert. Providing Dolly's health remains stable, we will spend Wednesday just shopping on Robson Street and Granville Island. Then we'll wander back home. It's a minimum 11 hour drive as the crow flies - we'll be taking much longer than that.
All of that sounds lovely doesn't it? You can't imagine how stressed I am over it. Fortunately The Man recognizes that in me and he wraps his arms around me and holds me tight - trying to relieve my anxiety. If I had my druthers - I'd have Ms. Dion give a concert in the barn and I'd be a happy gal.
So all of this to tell you I will be away from blogging for a week.
Plus - I want to thank all of you for your lovely comments and your thoughts about Dolly. I wish I could put into words how much every single comment means to me. Thank you.
Catch you on the flip side!
I believe it was 6 months ago that The Man handed me 2 tickets to see Celine Dion in Vancouver. He had tried to get tickets for Edmonton which is only a 2 hour drive from here - but they were sold out. So he opted for Vancouver. At the time we didn't know any of this would be going on or those tickets wouldn't have been purchased.
Some of you may ask why we would want to see Celine Dion. The Man goes to watch my face and to see how happy a concert like this makes me. As for me? I admire Ms. Dion greatly. I remember when she was a young girl and they played her first release (in French) on the radio. They said to watch this girl as she was going to go places. I have admired her dedication to her craft and to her husband and now her son. She has gone for what she wanted and she has more than excelled at it. Being Canadian adds to my admiration for we don't have a ton of people in this country who have gone out and shone like Ms. Dion. Then of course there is her ability to sing. She has an incredible set of pipes on her.
We went to see her show in Vegas at Ceasar's Palace and we were both blown away. It was incredible! We didn't know what to expect when we sat down in that unbelievable theater, but I sat there with tears streaming down my face for half of the performance and my mouth open in wonder at the other half. I know she sometimes seems like a hick who is overdoing the emotions - but to watch her face at the end of the show and see how touched she was by our admiration - well.... I believed the tears she had in her eyes were real. Those are hard to fake.
So now that she is touring again we thought it would be neat to see what kind of show she puts on out on the road. We'll be finding out on Tuesday night at the BC Place in Vancouver.
As it works out, my brother is leaving for his two-week holiday on the same day we are leaving for Vancouver. He has 3 cats. Two of them are beautiful Himalayans and of course his cats are his children as well.
So his three cats arrived on Thursday and they will remain here while we go away. My dear friend who lives right down the street and who was my roommate on the hall is going to look after my brother's cats while we take Dolly with us. Bless her soul for her generosity. My friend has such a huge heart and I know she will look after these precious angels like they were her own. Friends like that are hard to find. I remember very well the doctors telling us that making friends with a fellow nutcase is the worst thing in the world to do. We have proved them wrong on so many counts.
As for taking Dolly with us? There is no way I could leave her behind - even with the best of care. I would fall apart being away from her and not knowing how she is doing. Dolly has slept with her head on my pillow and her little furry body spooned into my chest - every single night for 16 years. We both think it's the best part of the day.
I actually got up the nerve to take her to the vet myself on Wednesday. Her problem at the moment is constipation and she is on enough laxatives to clean out a horse. On top of that she needs to be hydrated to give her enough fluids to help move things along and of course it makes her nauseous. I am unable to do something like that. My nerves just won't let me. So The Man went over and got a lesson on how to do it and he has been giving her fluids twice a day and will continue to do so until she poops regularly. Injecting fluids under the skin just makes me nauseous myself.
I was shaking so hard when I took her into the vets and of course it made her shake as well. Even with the xanax that the doctor prescibed for me - well - I'm just getting by.
I've got multiple whammies to deal with concerning this trip. I am terrified of leaving the barn for extended periods of time. I can go out and come back in as long as it is someplace familiar that I am going. If not then I get all panicky and nauseous. So that is one. Dolly's health and the fact that she has never travelled anywhere except to the vets is two. The third is the fact that I won't be able to keep up my production knitting while we travel and that the date of the huge craft shows looms closer by the second.
The only thing that keeps me sort of safe is the fact that we are towing our little house behind us and we can stop at any time and I can go and sit in it. Our little 13 foot trailer is going to be right behind our car and The Man is going to be sitting right beside me and Dolly is going to be on my lap.
Now if all this sounds a bit muddled it's because I didn't sleep last night with the anxiety of it all. Today I have to pack the trailer and prepare food and somehow fit some knitting into my day. I will be taking yarn to work on bears while we drive. We will be picking up my 90 yr. old aunt who lives in Vancouver and taking her over to Vancouver Island and dropping her off at her 79 yr. old brother's. They are the only 2 children left out of 5. We will visit with them both then until Tuesday morning and then we will catch the ferry back to Vancouver and go to the concert. Providing Dolly's health remains stable, we will spend Wednesday just shopping on Robson Street and Granville Island. Then we'll wander back home. It's a minimum 11 hour drive as the crow flies - we'll be taking much longer than that.
All of that sounds lovely doesn't it? You can't imagine how stressed I am over it. Fortunately The Man recognizes that in me and he wraps his arms around me and holds me tight - trying to relieve my anxiety. If I had my druthers - I'd have Ms. Dion give a concert in the barn and I'd be a happy gal.
So all of this to tell you I will be away from blogging for a week.
Plus - I want to thank all of you for your lovely comments and your thoughts about Dolly. I wish I could put into words how much every single comment means to me. Thank you.
Catch you on the flip side!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
My Dolly
This is Dolly.
She is about 16 years old and I have had her since she was a kitten.
We lost her brother last year just before Christmas because of renal failure.
Now Dolly has been diagnosed with it.
She isn't feeling very well these days and has lost a lot of weight. Medications that the doctors had her on have killed her appetite and I am struggling with my anxiety over this. Struggling so much that I have broken down and asked my own doctor for something for anxiety as I am having trouble coping. Part of this is due to my past mental breakdown. I always knew there would be something that might trigger it again and Dolly's illness is it.
She doesn't seem to be in any pain and I won't go through what we did with Deeb last year. It is just not fair.
At the moment I am doing everything I can for Dolly and I don't feel much like blogging. When the mood strikes and perhaps while Dolly is napping - I'll get on with the story. Until then - pray for Dolly and for me too.
Friday, October 10, 2008
'The Man' Tales - Cid's Room
There is a beautiful dark green bedroom in the barn that is called ‘Cid’s Room’. It is filled with furniture that belonged to my beloved friend. Cid’s large bed is covered with his own bedspread and the matching curtains hover beside a view that Cid loved. This was his room when he came to stay for 3 months as his health slipped from his grasp. Now it held his ‘lawyer’s library’ – a beautiful piece of furniture with glass doors. All his books are neatly on the shelves and his wallet and shaving brush and other paraphernalia are displayed. His favourite hats are perched up against his collection of vases and the hats look like they are waiting for him to snatch one of them up and pop it onto his silvery hair.
Another of Cid’s cupboards holds more of his personal treasures like his shaving kit and binoculars. Warm pictures of Italy hang on the walls and there’s a dreamy picture of two kids fishing off a dock. It hangs over the bed – a reminder to me of Cid’s dreams.
It’s Cid’s room. That’s all there is to it. And it was here that we tried to make Cid’s two beloved cats feel at home. I had hoped that Cid’s smell would calm them and remind them of the man who had taken them everywhere he went. If only they could hear his voice on the three phone messages I had unknowingly saved. And even though I listened to those messages over and over – they couldn’t hear the voice that they longed for.
What we didn’t know was that both of his cats would feel the same way I did. His male cat – Rigel – pined away for Cid. He grew thinner by the day and hardly ate at all. Within 3 months D had to take him to the vet and have him put to sleep. I thought at the time that I should go with Rigel and asked to be put to sleep so I could be with Cid as well. I rocked precariously on the boundary of insanity with the pain of losing Cid.
His female cat – Sarah – was the meanest cat I have ever come across. She would rather claw your eyes out than have you look at her. It was so obvious how much she missed Cid but her claws and temper kept her isolated and there was no way to console her. Six months later she was gone too and I felt like such a failure. I felt I had let Cid down.
Once more my mother came to the rescue. She got me out of the house and away from the endless crying and back into the family business. She didn’t care if I sat in the backroom and cried my eyes out – just as long as I wasn’t doing it at home by myself. I started to take an interest again in the retail part of the business and managing the staff. I even started to go out on the sales floor and sell a few coats. I tried to save my tears for Cid’s room where I could go and smell him and feel him around me. So many times D came and joined me and we sat with our arms around each other and missed our friend.
Eventually we were able to talk about him once more. The memories started to come out and every time we saw a hawk we said it was Cid. He had loved them so much because they were big enough for him to be able to see with his poor eyesight. I thought that now he glided on the wind and saw the world through hawk’s eyes and reveled in it. When they flew over the car I waved and said ‘Hi Cid’. It is now just something we do. Back in Cid’s room a hawk sits on one of the cupboards. If you squeeze it just right you hear that high cry they give and I can envision Cid – flying over the mountains and coulees – and grinning from ear to ear.
Cid’s room. My haven in the storm of life.
Another of Cid’s cupboards holds more of his personal treasures like his shaving kit and binoculars. Warm pictures of Italy hang on the walls and there’s a dreamy picture of two kids fishing off a dock. It hangs over the bed – a reminder to me of Cid’s dreams.
It’s Cid’s room. That’s all there is to it. And it was here that we tried to make Cid’s two beloved cats feel at home. I had hoped that Cid’s smell would calm them and remind them of the man who had taken them everywhere he went. If only they could hear his voice on the three phone messages I had unknowingly saved. And even though I listened to those messages over and over – they couldn’t hear the voice that they longed for.
What we didn’t know was that both of his cats would feel the same way I did. His male cat – Rigel – pined away for Cid. He grew thinner by the day and hardly ate at all. Within 3 months D had to take him to the vet and have him put to sleep. I thought at the time that I should go with Rigel and asked to be put to sleep so I could be with Cid as well. I rocked precariously on the boundary of insanity with the pain of losing Cid.
His female cat – Sarah – was the meanest cat I have ever come across. She would rather claw your eyes out than have you look at her. It was so obvious how much she missed Cid but her claws and temper kept her isolated and there was no way to console her. Six months later she was gone too and I felt like such a failure. I felt I had let Cid down.
Once more my mother came to the rescue. She got me out of the house and away from the endless crying and back into the family business. She didn’t care if I sat in the backroom and cried my eyes out – just as long as I wasn’t doing it at home by myself. I started to take an interest again in the retail part of the business and managing the staff. I even started to go out on the sales floor and sell a few coats. I tried to save my tears for Cid’s room where I could go and smell him and feel him around me. So many times D came and joined me and we sat with our arms around each other and missed our friend.
Eventually we were able to talk about him once more. The memories started to come out and every time we saw a hawk we said it was Cid. He had loved them so much because they were big enough for him to be able to see with his poor eyesight. I thought that now he glided on the wind and saw the world through hawk’s eyes and reveled in it. When they flew over the car I waved and said ‘Hi Cid’. It is now just something we do. Back in Cid’s room a hawk sits on one of the cupboards. If you squeeze it just right you hear that high cry they give and I can envision Cid – flying over the mountains and coulees – and grinning from ear to ear.
Cid’s room. My haven in the storm of life.
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