Thursday, October 30, 2008

Why?

Why?

Why does love have to hurt so much?

Why does it have to be so fleeting?

Why does love make your heart cleave in half and fall apart? What do you do with that huge hole that is left?

Why does love strangle your brain with emotions that should never occur to anyone?

Who decided that this was love? Who decided that we are just marionettes in some master game? Who decided to taunt us with fleeting happiness? Who thought life should be something that is built up – then smashed when it is going good – then taunted with the hope of something in the future?

Why do I just want to lie down and give up one last breath and let go?

Why do I lie awake all night and stare through the dark at nothing?

Why are tears endless?

Why does everything I love get taken away when I have had so little in my life?

Am I a bad person? Did I do something to deserve this kind of hell on earth?

Why and who am I angry with or at? Me? God? Is there a God? If there is – why is he so cruel? Why is life so unfair?

Why put these angels here on earth only to take them away so quickly and so cruelly?

Why give us hearts at all if they are only toys to break at a whim?

Why do we do this?

What is death? Do we go somewhere afterwards? Do we wait somewhere on the other side of that horizon? Do we all get together afterwards and get to be happy forever? Is happy a true feeling? Is love?

WHY? DAMN IT! WHY?

Why does love hurt so much? Will the pain really ever go away?

Why?

Is this some kind of insane grieving or just some kind of insanity? (at this point I really don't know)
And do I really want to know the answer?

31 comments:

Maggie May said...

Death is the way of life. The only way to avoid being hurt is to completely cut ourselves off from other people, but then we would be hurting ourselves by isolating ourselves from the good things in life.
Loving some one or something involves risk.
I don't know what others believe, but I have chosen to believe in God through Jesus and I don't believe that life was ever intended to be easy here. Nothing is easy & you are hurting beyond measure.
God didn't make Dolly die....... she was designed to live to a certain age and then unfortunately you got hurt as you loved her so much.
I am so very sorry that you are hurting so much. It WILL pass but that won't help you now.
Just hang in there.
((hugs)) X

TSannie said...

All is so tentative here on this earth. I guess you just have to take the good, embrace it close, turn your back on the bad and know without a doubt that there is a time and season for every single thing/event...here on this earth.

In other words, I have no answers for you. But I do have good thoughts and prayers winging your way. Hope knowing there are humans that really do care about you helps you feel comforted, even if it's only a tiny bit.

rosiero said...

Oh Aims, I feel your grief and want to reach out to you for a hug. I wonder if our separate lives on this planet are like separate paths through a wood. The path is not always straight and as we weave to the left or right, we sometimes converge with someone or something else and travel the path together with them for a while. But then our paths divide again and we go on alone until we converge with someone else. Thus we dip in (and out of) other's lives, then separate off from them. When someone dies, we just pull away in opposite directions. Don't know if this sounds twaddle or not. Maybe we do meet up again in the future. Noone has ever come back to say. I do wish I could be more helpful. You will recover from this, even though it hurts so much now. Just give it one day at a time.

Mima said...

Aims, so sorry that you are hurting, and I really don't have any answers to offer, but I am sending a huge cyber hug to you.

Mima said...

I just got back from your blog to find your message. Thanks for leaving a happy note even when you must not be feeling at all like it!

Someone the other day said in conversation that Zena was old, and my heart stopped for a second. I don't know what you are going through must be hundreds of times worse.

bermudabluez said...

I wish I could take your pain away, aims. I don't have any magic words of wisdom either. I'm sending you hugs and blessings today from afar.....it will get better. You just have to believe that it will.

Biddie said...

I am so sorry for your loss, Aims.
I don't know what else to say. I am thinking of you :)

Daryl said...

You are not special. Everyone looses people and animals and things they love. There are those who will tell you that 'God' never gives you more than you can bear... I personally take exception to all of that.

Life is a cycle and it ends in death.

I think that you just have to pull up your socks and keep going and remain open so love can find you again.

You have The Man .. and you can open your heart and home to some rescued cat or dog from a shelter who is looking for someone to love them and who they can love.

Trust me on this, my dear friend.

Be open.

:-Daryl

softinthehead said...

Oh Aims I think everyone has voiced all my thoughts - hope it gets easier soon - hugs :)

Junebug said...

Aims,
I don't know those answers either but I do believe that God is good and every good thing is from Him. The world has been set in motion with life and death and good and bad. Just like storms and disasters aren't from God, neither are bad and evil. Man's fall set these bad things into the earth. Life is not fair, not at all. But there is redemption. I believe there is a heaven and there are animals there too. I want to go there some day for eternity. There'll be peace and no more tears there. God can give you peace and joy in this life too. But there will always be heartache around too 'cause we live in a fallen world. I do wish I could take your heartache away.

Beckie said...

Aims, I know you are hurting. I don't have the answers either, but I wanted you to know that I am thinking about you. Hugs.

Dianne said...

I think Daryl has a great idea - she's annoying that way ;)

After my sweet JR died my heart was killing me, even with Siren it just hurt since JR was the mushy one and it had been 16 years.

I hesitiated taking in a 2nd cat for far too long. When Mia came along I couldn't believe I had waited. I swear JR was smiling on me.

She didn't replace him, just reminded me of how much love there is even when some is lost, there is more to find.

Stinking Billy said...

aims, baby, I don't have any answers, but I am with you all the way. x

Anonymous said...

Aims, I second Maggie May and June Bug. They said anything/everything I would have tried to say. Everthing has a season and there is a season for everything. I'm sorry you are hurting and I'm praying that you will seek relief from the Lord for yourself. And I will intercede for you in the meantime. There are lots of people hurting in this world. Different reasons/different degrees of pain. Just know you are not alone. And that it will ease in time. Just please, don't let go of today/tomorrow and the future. With much love and prayers. Margie

travelling, but not in love said...

Aims, all of this is better than feeling nothing. Imagine how awful THAT would be?

We have to experience the lows to appreciate the highs - but we all wish the lows were a little less frequent...

x

Mean Mom said...

I am sorry that you are in so much pain, at the moment. For some of us, losing a pet, is a similar experience to losing a person. It's devastating.

Dolly was very lucky to have had you to look after her, and love her, and your consolation is that you gave her the best life possible. Her life came to a natural end and you are not unlucky to have lost her - you are fortunate that she enriched your life, for the duration of hers. In the same way, you were very fortunate to have known and loved Cid, during his short time upon this earth. You may think it is corny, but I am a great believer in the old saying 'Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.'

You have come through many horrible experiences in your life and you must come through this one. Should you perhaps see your Doctor, if you are feeling so low?

I do so hope that your pain begins to ease, very soon.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Grief is appalling and the level of your grief matches the level of your love for the person. It is a nightmare that tests all of us to the limits. Some get through and others don't. But if you experience extreme lows you can appreciate the highs that life also gives you. Hard as extreme emotions are to bear, I would never welcome a life of averageness of the middle ground. That is to live without living. Or to merely exist. Hugs x

CrazyCath said...

Aims I feel your pain and send you (((hugs))))
Personally I come from a faith standpoint as you know and this is not the time or place except to say that I do not believe God is to blame for any of our suffering - he doesn't send it to "test us" or for any other reason. God does not send it at all.

It is, as others say, part of life on this earth and it is painful in this world. Hang in there. You are loved. :)

Melanie said...

http://www.rainbowbridge.com/

Lord Alfred Tennyson wrote "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

Imagine all the things we would miss out on if we didn't love. We are made to experience and learn from love. We cannot go through life like cardboard cut outs. We are designed to feel and grow through our experiences.

Look back through your life at the unconditional love Dolly offered and see all the positives from that experience. You had that for so many years which was good. Where Dolly is now she feels no pain and I believe that pets do watch over us like our ancestors as they too are family.

Try to live your life as Dolly would like. Do something positive with her memory.

Amy said...

Aims, sorry you have to suffer through such anguish. But it will get better. Hugs.

Irene said...

For every love lost there is pain, but wisdom gained and another love found and then you find it is a never ending cycle of losing and hurting and loving again. Don't forget what you have now and treasure that. Do count your blessings, few as they may seem to you. Maybe this is all you can handle right now and you have to take good care of what you do have to get more. One day you will be bountiful again and have your hands full. Take care dear Aims, don't mourn over what was, but try to be joyful about what is.

the rotten correspondent said...

The more you care, the more it hurts. That's no consolation to you now, but what a testament to the depth of love you have for Dolly.

I don't have any words of wisdom or strength, but I'm here for you - okay? It's okay to grieve, it's okay to wail and weep and mourn. That's how it's supposed to be.

Isn't that what you've been telling me all year?

Akelamalu said...

My grannie always told me

"if you don't hurt you can never know joy".

I'm sorry you're hurting so much m'dear. x

Crystal Jigsaw said...

Love is a part of our lives because we are capable of feeling it. You have a heart of pure gold my friend. You are one of the special children of this earth.

CJ xx

MarmiteToasty said...

I could of written your post almost word for word......

Cant remember where I popped over from, but I wanna stay and read more....

x

dawn said...

(((Hugs))). I am praying for you. I really believe you have some amazing blog friends as well as some 'in person' people who care deeply for you. It is tough to lose people and pets in our life. I think some people are prone to love more and deeper than others and they will therefore feel the pain more deeply. Your burden to love so much, has it's upside and downside. Too bad the downside turns your world so upside down.

david mcmahon said...

So very profound, but does anyone TRULY know the answers ....

Moannie said...

Only someone who has lost a pet can understand how deeply you are grieving. It will pass and the pain will be replaced by loving memories.

Can you imagine a world without feelings? To love is to suffer.

Epijunky said...

Oh my... I could have written this myself two years ago.

I wish I had some words of comfort for you, but there really aren't any.

I'm sending hugs from Ohio.

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