Monday, November 10, 2008

Memory Dance

I just want to say thank you - again - to everyone for all their kind words and thoughts.

Grief and memory are such personal things, yet I have opened my heart here and in turn I’ve received so many wonderful words of support from everyone.

Here it is now 2 weeks since my beloved Dolly died and I have to admit I am no farther ahead in getting over her death than I was two weeks ago. I know that it is all part and parcel of my breakdown and the fragility of my mind since then. I became a different person after my breakdown – a nicer person I think – but still a different person. And her death has affected me like a sledgehammer to the head.

Dolly meant so much to me as we shared our days together. Before The Man - there was Dolly. Now I hate the mornings as Dolly and I had a routine. She would get me up and I would feed her. She was very talkative in the morning and much fun. She made me smile every day and often made me laugh out loud. As I spend nearly all of my time at home – alone while The Man works – I spent most of that time talking to Dolly and playing with her as I worked around the house. Now that is gone and what fill those times are tears.

Still more time is needed for me. As with Cid my grief does go on and on. He died 7 years ago and I can mourn like it was yesterday.

I missed last week’s Candle Ceremony at the Rainbow Bridge as my brother was here to pick up his cats. Tonight I will not miss it. Sharing with others who feel the same way has to be rewarding and helpful. I look forward to it.

I wrote the following this past week. It's not finished, I feel that in my heart - but it's a start.

Memory Dance

There’s a dance that we dance, alone in our heads, our arms extended and our eyes closed.

There’s a dance we swing to, sway to, sashay to.

There’s a dance we sing to, hum along to, play to.

It’s called the dance of memory, of misery, of angst.
It’s hidden inside each of us, deep down, and fearful.

It comes without calling, sliding and moaning.
It comes at our bidding, skipping and shouting.
It comes and it takes us, back and beyond.
It comes and it makes us sometimes sadder sometimes gladder.

It comes from life. From experiences. From love.
It comes and it dances inside of our heads.

It’s the dance of memory, and it plays with my head


Lola said...

I thank you for your comments on my blog during a time when you're obviously not able to post very much on your own. I hope you start to feel better soon.

softinthehead said...

Sorry to hear you are still having a tough time aims. ((Hugs))

Leatherdykeuk said...

Lovely poem. I do know how hard it to come to terms with the loss of such a close companion. *hugs*

rosiero said...

Love and hugs, dear Aims. So sorry for the pain you are still feeling. Keep riding those waves of grief. You WILL win. The tide has got to turn some day and the waves will recede. Not much help now, I know.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Time, time, time. It goes so slowly when you grieve and each time you grieve for something new it brings up the grief you still feel for others that have gone. You can't grieve in isolation, one person at a time or one pet at a time and then expect it to be done and dusted. All these grief episodes combine into one and the pain is quite deep indeed, even if you thought you had come to terms with those gone already.

It takes time, don't be hard on yourself that it should be quicker, it takes as long as it takes. Hugs

Mima said...

The constant in my life is my cat Zena, she is here with me as the carers come and go, so I understand what you are talking about in the way of companionship, but can't imagine what it would be like to be without her. Awful. I'm thinking of you and sending good thoughts in your direction as you come to terms with Dolly's loss.

Beckie said...

Aims - I feel for you - I really do.

The poem is lovely - truly.

CrazyCath said...

A beautiful post. Don't be too hard on yourself. Yes you are different after your breakdown. Yes you are a different person.
But you would have grieved anyway. Allow yourself that and don't be too hard on yourself. You grieve like this and for as long as it takes because you loved. And you know what they say about loving and losing don't you?
It is far better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
You have loved, oh so passionately my friend, far more than some could ever hope to. Take comfort in that. (((Aims))))

Akelamalu said...

There are no time constraints on grieving m'dear, whether it be for a human or a pet. Take your time, the memories will never go away but the pain will ease honestly. xx

Anonymous said...

Beautiful poem Aims, please continue with it.

Dolly was happy with you. Take comfort in that.

Maggie May said...

Aims....... the poem is lovely and you have expressed what you feel through it. That is good therapy.
There is no set time that people have to endure their grief, for either pet or person.It is just there. You have to let it out. One day you will feel better. You will know when this happens to you.

I agree with MOB....... it is not just Dolly that you are grieving for, the latest loss always brings back the other losses in your life & you always experience the pain of all of them. Something reawakens the memory. It seems that you will burst with the weight of it.
We are all here for you. ((hugs)) X

travelling, but not in love said...

Aims, it's a tough time sweetie. Go gently, take care, look after yourself.

tbnil x

Biddie said...

Keep writing. Maybe it will help more than you realize.
I'm sorry that you are still hurting so badly. Think of you :)

Junebug said...

I have a cat that we found when she was a tiny kitten in the road outside our house. This was about 4 years ago and she has lived inside our house ever since, never going outside at all. She is my little companion all day. I'm sure that I will feel the same as you some day when she's gone. Sometimes I think about (and this is silly) who will take as good care of her as me if I am gone first?

Daryl said...

One small step at a time... ((Aims))


DJ Kirkby said...

Beatiful poem. Sorry to read of your grief and your loss.

CC said...

Beautiful poem;I hope you can find comfort soon and your pain is able to subside some. You need to take all the time you need to grieve; it is not easy losing a loved one. Feel better sone and sending a ((hug))

BT said...

Poor aims, I am so sorry you are still hurting so badly. Thinking of you.

lisaschaos said...

Time will help lessen the pain but you need to just let yourself feel whatever you need to feel as long as you need to feel it. XO

Lane said...

You can't speed it up Aims. I wish that we could. Go easy on yourself.

Beautiful poem.


Mima said...

Zena has been thoroughly hugged for you, and is purring contentedly as a result. Dolly is getting hugged where she is too don't forget!