A week has gone by and I am numb.
I just wanted to thank everyone for their kind comments and emails. All of them have touched me deeply and I am grateful for the kindness of all of you.
Tonight I am joining in the candle ceremony at the Rainbow Bridge. I have my three candles prepared and I have put Dolly’s name on the Bridgelist. I know that Dolly and Deeb are going to be waiting for The Man and myself when we can finally join them.
Some of you might say – all this over a pet?
I say – No. It’s just not a pet.
It’s the loss of an unconditional love that I had for 16 years.
Anyone who has loved a pet knows what I am talking about. The love you get back from an animal is unconditional. They don’t have to love us. They could just be animals. But if they do – then you are blessed.
And I was blessed. Believe me.
After years of abuse and illness – to have this kind of love was a gift to my heart.
Today my brother arrives to take home his 3 cats that I have been babysitting. I know that tomorrow the silence will stretch out and hammer home the emptiness of this house and of my heart. In a way I am looking forward to it. Then I can perhaps deal with this loss. Maybe not.
Every night I have gone to bed and looked for Dolly. I’ve caught myself listening for her footsteps and I’ve had to stop myself from getting out of bed and going to get her. I have a small clump of her fur that I hold in my hand when I go to sleep. I often wake up still holding it or it is under my pillow. It gives me a tiny bit of peace as I stare into the darkness.
So what is grief?
Grief is what I see when I look in the mirror - green eyes awash in watery seas of sadness.
Grief are the lines on my face and the way my mouth droops at the corners.
Grief is my heart – aching – yet still beating - reminding me every second of loss.
Grief is being suicidal and then stepping back from the abyss – but remembering the aching to take that step and have the grief go away.
Grief is realizing that forever is just the doorstep to eternity.
Grief is tomorrow. Grief is me.
I know it will get better. I do know that.