Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Not Goodbye - Not Yet

Another week has gone by and I am getting nowhere with my grief. I think I've forgotten how to deal with it and it seems out of control. Memories flood my waking hours and my tears have yet to wash them clean and put them someplace safe. They hover around me, sometimes buffeting me with their softness - sometimes treading on me with harsh footsteps.

I tried to participate in the Candle Ceremony at the Rainbow Bridge on Monday. I lit my candles and followed along and dissolved like the wax into a little puddle. It felt too much like saying goodbye and I just can't do that yet. I hope Dolly and Deeb saw my candle burning for them - my love shining through the night to reach out to them. Can you see how it hurts?

My two craft shows loom ever nearer. We begin our odyssey on the 26th when my brother and I set up our booth for the first 4 day show and we finish on the 7th of December after another 4 day show. I don't know how I will do it but I will know on the 8th if I will ever do it again.

We go to see Sarah Brightman on the 8th of December. I know I will cry throughout her performance as she always brings back memories of Cid battling his way through the crowds when he took me to see her for the first time. He died two months later - one of the best now gone.

The Man has surprised me with a holiday. I don't know about his timing but he put in for his accumulated overtime and we leave on the 9th of December for 5 weeks. We are towing our little 13 foot trailer and heading to the Big Easy. New Orleans!

So let me see. I finish my last show on the 7th of December. That means probably getting home around 1am after tearing down a booth and packing it up and driving for 2 hours. Fall into bed and hopefully sleep. Get up and unpack and put away anything from the show then pack for a 5 week holiday. Then get ready to drive an hour and half and go to a concert. Right. Get back home again around 1am and fall back into bed and then get up and hook up the trailer and leave. Unbelievable timing on The Man's part. Exhaustion sounds like a good word to put in here.

I have to say though that he has promised to get the trailer packed and get the house ready. All I have to do is get myself packed. He has also planned the whole trip this time and already has tickets to two basketball games. The New Orleans Hornets versus the Lakers and the Spurs! (gulp - more crowds)He's also signed us up for an art tour while we are there and we are hoping to arrive in time for a tour of 7 houses in the Garden District. Something is happening every day in New Orleans during the month of December. It will be fun and exciting - I know it! (and hopefully there won't be any snow)

For those of you who have followed this blog for some time - you will know that all of the above is going to bring me almost to my knees with anxiety and stress. I don't do crowds very well - nor can I leave my house very well. However. The shows are being done with my brother - another port in the storm of my life - and we are taking our little house behind us and I am going with The Man - my biggest safety net in the whole world. I'm going to be in tears leaving the barn behind and my everyday memories of Dolly. But perhaps it will help in the long run. I think I'll probably spend the drive sleeping and trying to recuperate from the two shows - all the knitting I've done - and life.

If I don't get any posts done before the shows and before I leave - I'll see you some time in January. The Man Tales will continue when I return.

Christmas in New Orleans. Wow!


Junebug said...

It sounds like a busy time for you. I hope you find peace inside. It will be a beautiful time of the year to be in New Orleans. My two daughters and I went to a Coldplay concert in Oklahoma City Sunday night. We didn't have good seats but that was ok. But near the end of the show the ushers roped our section in and I was in the #1 aisle seat next to the steps. We finally figured out that the band was going to come up the steps next to us and they did! I got to video them as they walked by and I got to pat Chris Martin on the shoulder as he walked by me. My daughter did too. We were so excited. Then the band played three songs right above our section. It was great. Of all the sections in the Ford Center, ours was the only one that got this privilege. We were happy! It reminded me of your upgraded seats at Celine Dion's show.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

I think The Man has planned the timing extremely well in all reality. He is keeping you busy and all that activity, exhuasting as it is will keep you occupied and distracted from your grief and pain and before you know it, you will start the healing process all over again. I am truly getting the feeling that this man knows and loves you very deeply and is completely au fait with how you tick and what ails you and how best to treat it. Yes, it will be exciting and if you take a look at what you wrote up to this point of late you can see progress indeed. You never would have used that word over the last few weeks whilsr you have been in deep grief. You are progressing as you should, you just don't see it yet lovely lady. But it is evident to those of us that watch over your posts. You will be missed but oh how, in your words, exciting it will be! Enjoy that hard graft, accept being out in the world - you have a lot to give it - and feel the fear but do it anyway as some old author once said! Hugs.

Beckie said...

It's going to be a whirlwind! I can't wait to hear how the shows go (I love those bears).

Christmas in New Orleans - WOW. I hope you have the most fabulous of times. Kind of a reset for the mind, body and soul.

When you said that you would be back in January it reminded me of the first time I read your blog. It was a cold and very snowy January Sunday. I read and read and read your incredible story while my family went sledding.

Leatherdykeuk said...

I think it's fantastic of the man. I think it'll be just the thing you need after all that activity.

Good luck with the shows and with your grieving, dear lady.

rosiero said...

Dear Aims

Much as you hate crowds and leaving home, I feel this could do you the world of good. I have thought in the past of suggesting that you try to keep busy to cope with the grief. Often distraction and exhaustion are good cures. The craft shows should provide you with both... keeping busy, meeting people for 8 days plus the packing and unpacking. The holiday in New Orleans will also get you away from home which at present you associate with Dolly and Deeb, plus you will have new sights and experiences to distract and enlighten you. At least you can retreat into the trailer if you feel nervous or want a home from home. Go for it. Hopefully when you return in January, you will have a different view on things. The grief won't have gone far (remember those waves), but at least it will be away from you for a while. Do hope you have a wonderful time and will send you Christmas and New Year Wishes now in case you are not online again.

Love rosiero x

Daryl said...

No snow in N'awlins, darlin' .. maybe a little rain but no snow .. and you know that the spirits that are so very N'awlins will be there to help you ... now just keep BREATHING and I will expect a lot of stories upon your return!


Maggie May said...

I think this is the thing, five weeks away, that will really help you with your grief. I think going out of your home environment will be really good for you. It will be easier when you get back. The Man has done you a great favour by booking it up!
Hope you sell lots of crafts at the 2 fairs. Fingers crossed for you.
This could be the turning point.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Aims, Daryl is so right. I was raised in S. Louisiana and I only remember it snowing once. And I don't remember it snowing since. But do be prepared for rain. But remember Katrina and that all of N'awlins may not have recovered yet. I wish I could go. I love New Orleans. Ask the Man what route you will be taking. I live about 6-7 hours from there and am curious. Margie

aims said...

I feel like Blanche in a Streetcar Names Desire who says - I always depend on the kindness of strangers.

To all of you who have commented here already - we are not 'strangers' - but we have never met. In fact - I feel like we are more like 'friends' than strangers - but still the quote popped into my mind.

The kindness everyone has shown me during this time - and your incredibly wonderful words of advice and caring - have touched my heart more than I can say.

Thank you.

And Margie? Use my 'contact me' and I'll let you know what route we are taking. Perhaps a stop for a cuppa would be possible? He's planning it through google maps so I'll know soon enough I think.

Akelamalu said...

Good gracious Aims, you're gonna need some energy to get through all that! Mind you five weeks vacation sounds wonderful. If you don't get chance to post or visit before all this happens - ENJOY IT ALL AND HAVE A GREAT TIME!

Potty Mummy said...

A change of scene sounds like a good idea. And my counsellor always says it takes 8 weeks to accept a new situation or change a behaviour - so by the time you get back, you may be in a better place to deal with it all.

Thinking of you, Aims. Have the most wonderful time - and let yourself enjoy it.

Frances said...

sounds like a slip into depression.
Take care of yourself.

TSannie said...

May only peace go with you...read you soon I hope.

Anonymous said...

Enjoy your craft shows and be proud of your talents. Take your favourite feel good music for your trip, get plenty of rest and be kind to yourself. It sounds like 5 weeks away is just what you need right now. Keeping busy helps to get through each day and change of scenery can be as good as a rest. Sending you lots of happy thoughts positive energy.

travelling, but not in love said...

It will be truly amazing - I know it's going to be a logistical nightmare and the old anxiety will surely kick in, but hey. It'll be worth it.

Looking forward to hearing about it all...

Mean Mom said...

All of these arrangements will focus your mind and you won't have much time to think about anything else. It is a good thing, even though I know that you find it scary. The craft shows sound great and so does the holiday! We'll all miss you, though. Have a great time and be proud of yourself!

Anonymous said...

Hia Aims,
I think this busy-ness away from your everyday routine could be just what you need.
I hope you enjoy yourself and have a lot of fun with all the new-ness, and come back refreshed.

CrazyCath said...

Aims - I think The Man knows just *exactly* what it is you need and his timing is absolutely perfect. You will only be exhausted the first day. Why wait and recouperate to be exhausted again? He sounds like he knows exactly what he is doing.

Hope it goes ok for you. Relax. Meet the challenges one at a time and you will be fine.
Have fun! We'll still be here when you get back.

Lane said...

That's an incredible schedule you've got planned but what an exciting one!

Sounds to me that The Man knows exactly what he's he's doing. You're going to be exhausted after the shows anyway so you may as well be exhausted, embarking on a great adventure. I'm thrilled that you're doing this. It's great progress. Dolly and Deeb (and of course Cid) would be proud.

Take care Aims. I know you're in good hands.

(and best of luck at the shows. Just had a look at your knitting. The bears are gorgeous:-)

BT said...

Heavens above, aims, you won't have time to breathe! Maybe it is a good idea to pack your days with journeys and craft fayres and ball games! Hopefully a little sleep too.

I do wish you well on this new phase in your life and will be thinking of you.


Brett said...

Hi Aims Taged you on my blog before reading your post, don't worry if you too busy at the moment save it for a dull day and have some fun with it. Hope all goes well with the shows and trip, will you be still blogging?, you'll be missed if your not.

Breezy said...

Aims I'm sure it will do you the world of good to step out of your life for five weeks just you and The Man. I am remembering this post of yours


So off you go and let New Orleans work it's magic on you and come back to us in the New Year healed and raring to go

aims said...

Oh Breezy!

The Man said exactly the same thing to me the other day. He said - what if you were sitting in Jackson Square knitting and Brad Pitt came along and sat down beside you!

Wouldn't that be fun! Still looking for somewhere to flog 'that' story. It will come though.

And thanks to everyone for your lovely thoughts. I'm hoping that I will heal while I'm away. Any time I spend with The Man is always a great time.

bermudabluez said...

Oh aims, Christmas in New Orleans!!! How over the moon freakin' exciting is that??? Sounds like The Man knows just what to do to make you feel better. Quietly, in his own way, he'll help you heal. Have a wonderful, terrific time....sending you lots of energy and holiday love! Looking forward to hearing all about it when you return!!

bermudabluez said...

Oh aims, Christmas in New Orleans!!! How over the moon freakin' exciting is that??? Sounds like The Man knows just what to do to make you feel better. Quietly, in his own way, he'll help you heal. Have a wonderful, terrific time....sending you lots of energy and holiday love! Looking forward to hearing all about it when you return!!

Anonymous said...

Yippee!! New Orleans - I'm so pleased for you. I'll hopefully catch you tomorrow on the headphones.

Take care - big hugs.

CJ xx

A Mother's Place is in the Wrong said...

Goodness, you are going to be busy - and away for Christmas. It sounds a wonderful trip and I'm sure you will be well looked after.
Try to relax and enjoy it - hopefully you will feel much better by the time you get back home. M xx

dawn said...

Wow, sounds exhausting but the one thing about going a long distance is sleeping in the vehicle and once you are on your way it will be okay. Having him plan all that is a safety net in itself. You will be okay; you are stronger now than before and you have him to hold you up. Have a great time!

Anonymous said...

P.S. I have a Smile Stone Award for you over at my place :-)

sexy said...