Friday, July 11, 2008

'The Man' Tales - Cid's Confession

When Cid’s nurse came in with his nebulizer, he asked her if he could see the priest who looked after the patients in the hospital. Looking into his eyes she patted his hand and said she would look after that right away.

I sat beside him and watched as he held his nebulizer mask up to his face and breathed deeply. When he closed his eyes you could see the dark circles and the blue veins on his eyelids. A sudden fear flashed through me as I looked at him and I recognized it for what it was. I didn’t want him to close his eyes around me because I didn’t want to imagine him with them permanently closed. Ashamed of my fear – I looked away. When I looked back he was smiling at me again and he made a silly face around the mask. I wanted to cry. I wanted to weep and wail and scream at the top of my lungs. Instead I smiled back and told him he was crazy.

I crawled back up on the bed and nestled myself once more into Cid’s shoulder and we resumed our chatting. We laced our fingers together so tightly that sometimes it hurt, but neither of us cared. But both of us were afraid.

I can’t tell you how much time passed before the priest arrived. It might have been hours, it felt like days, but suddenly he was there. A stranger with a kind face walked up to Cid’s bed and smiled at us as we lay wrapped together in our need for each other. I know I raised my eyebrows in a silent inquiry until my eyes suddenly focused on his collar. Then I knew who he was.

“Are you Cid?” His voice was soft and gentle and full of understanding.

We both nodded at the same time and he laughed a little before extending his hand. We both shook it. One after the other.

I felt like we had been transported to a bubble and the three of us were encapsulated in this glowing warm light. My chest hurt and I thought that perhaps there wasn’t enough air in that bubble and that I should step outside so I could breathe. When the priest looked at me and asked if he could be alone with Cid, I gratefully smiled and disentangled myself from Cid. Finger by finger. I could tell by the way he held on that he didn’t want me to go, and I couldn’t look at his face where I knew I would see the fear I could feel in mine.

“I’ll wait outside Cid.” I gave him the most reassuring smile I could drum up before I went and stood out in the hall and stared at a spot in the paint.

I stared at that spot for an eternity.

Eventually I checked my watch and saw the priest had been in with Cid, behind those closed curtains, for over an hour. Just before I had stepped into the hall, I had heard the priest ask Cid if he would like to make his confession and I had heard him reply with a ‘yes’.

I went back to staring at that spot until my view was interrupted once more by that same collar. He took my hands and squeezed them tightly.

“You must be a very special woman,” he said. And then he was gone. He left me staring after him with a questioning look on my face and the need to gather my strength and smile once more teasing the back of my brain.

“You must have been very bad all your life for a confession to take that long Cid.” I tried to put as much laughter into my voice as I could so he wouldn’t have to reveal to me what had occurred while my legs grew numb and I was still seeing spots.

“I had to confess to being in love with another man’s woman. It took a long time.”

32 comments:

Leatherdykeuk said...

Oh! How heartbreaking.

Lola said...

I have shed more tears over this blog than in my own life for the past few months. My heart goes out to you.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

I'm lost for words really. Hugs, X

Living the Dream said...

Oh aims......... No more to be said, sorry

Valleys Mam said...

Ok you did it intears here og aims

Mima said...

How lucky you are to have been loved so much by such a wonderful man, and what an awful blow to have him taken away. I'm sure that you cherished everyone of those hugs that you were able to give him.

Stinking Billy said...

aims, baby, every time I think you have surely peaked in your narration, you top it with your next post. I know your story to be a true one. and it must be creasing you to re-live it all again like this, but releasing it is probably the best thing you can do. Powerful, powerful stuff!

dawn said...

Oh, how very sad for everyone. How terrible for Cid to have to go through all that, and for you to be part of it and have to live with the pain.

Cancer is a horrible disease and takes so many from this place. I can't imagine having smoked and the potential ramifications of it.
With cancer, one just never know.

K.C. said...

Just popping in and shedding tears. This was so powerful and the last line... so powerful...

really... Kayce

travelling, but not in love said...

Aims, I think the priest got it right - you're a very special woman.

And quite a gal too, if I might say so!

Daryl said...

Exactly what TBNIL said.

Seriously.

:-Daryl

BT said...

aims, I hope you don't mind my peeping in at your blog. I gather that is all true and it made me sad before I knew that. Beautiful.

Ginax

Irene said...

Aims, I feel like sitting down and having myself a good cry. It's just no good, id it?

Jay said...

Oh, that's so sweet and sad. Wet eyes here too.

You must indeed be a special woman, and Cid sounds like a very special man.

Melanie said...

Ooo Aims, speechless. Just where do I begin. Poor poor Cid. I still want that miracle. I always liked Fairy tales because everyone lived hapily ever after. So so hoping here.

Breezy said...

I hoped against hope for Cid Aims he sounded like such a lovely man.

rosiero said...

I dread to read what is coming next.This record must surely be helping you to come to terms with it.

rosiero said...

Aims - log in tomorrow and pick up an award from me.

lisaschaos said...

Ahhhh, that is so sweet and sad at the same time.

Crystal Jigsaw said...

Always feel the clenched hand in yours.

CJ xx

alan pardoe said...

It's got to be the blog of the week.was just passing.TO you and your family Ehp. 1:2.will be back.

Lane said...

Cid is a good man. I'm still not using 'was' yet. Not until I have to.
x

Maggie May said...

Aims....... it is a gut wrenching tale. There seems to be no end to your suffering.

Tina said...

Oh Aims, I really don't know what to say.

Brett said...

Puts all my problems into a proper perspective, thank you for sharing all this with us, each time you write you much relive it, i never imagined that bravery would be a qualification to write a blog, but you must be very brave to face bring back these painful memories.

John-Michael said...

The Priest was (of course) quite right. You are (without question) "a very special woman." And my life is richer for You in it.

Lovingly ...

aims said...

Please forgive me if I don't make many comments these days.

This is so hard to write and I just can't come up with the proper responses. However - just getting these comments is wonderful. How I wish I had had this kind of support during this time in my life. It would have made it easier.

A Mother's Place is in the Wrong said...

Oh dear Aims, more heart-break than we can bear. M xx

Carolyn said...

Deeply sad. So sorry Aims.

Mae said...

amazing story and thanks for stopping by.

Biddie said...

I am at a loss for words...This is so heartbreaking.

bichonpawz said...

You are such a special woman aims...and so strong!