Loss

I lost a ring this summer while at my brother's. It was a silver ring - you know the kind - the ones that have the inside that spins. It was wide, plain, and I wore it on my thumb.

Thing is - due to my health I've been quite nauseous for months now. And with that comes loss of weight. And because of that my ring slipped off my finger.

The Man bought me this ring many years ago during a trip to Vancouver. I can even remember the little shop we were in and how I had admired so many kinds until deciding on this one. I wore it then as a thumb ring and never feared losing it.

We spent the better part of a day searching for that ring. Donning rubber gloves we tore apart 6 bags of garbage and rummaged through stuff you don't want to look at a second time. We even got out the metal detector that sits behind my brother's bedroom door and proceeded to search the compost pile. My brother shoved that metal detector deep into the compost only to have to clean it off again.

It never turned up.

It sounds like such a big issue and my heart and mind dwelled on it for days.

But then one morning I walked into the rafting center and found a small collection of people looking quite somber. A man I had met and who was a good acquaintance of my brother, had been killed in a farming accident. A bachelor with a passion for painting who was kind and gentle and soft spoken.

He and my brother belonged to the same artists group, and three of his paintings hung in the rafting center for sale as part of the annual Artwalk the group presented each summer. After the funeral I often looked closely at these paintings, wondering if I could see the artist behind them and feeling the huge loss and hole in the world this man left.

I've thought about these two things a lot. Losses come in so many different ways and can often invoke the same feelings. That hole in the world, that ache in the heart, that searching for the lost item over and over.

How many times have I thought I've seen someone I've lost in a crowd? How many times did I think I saw a glint of silver in the grass only to find it was a piece of garbage? Why do we keep looking when we know we will never find these things again? Why does the loss sit in our hearts and pulse with its own little ache that never goes away.

I've lost many things over the years. Not so much in a material way really but in a more valuable way. Friends, pets, family, acquaintances, my mind. And sometimes the loss is not always a death. Sometimes it comes in losing a friendship - a loss that is like a death in itself.

These thoughts haunt me. Looking out at the fallen leaves I think of the painter who lies beneath them now, never to paint their beauty again. Perhaps, if I still had that silver ring, I would place it on his grave so that the losses would be united.

Thoughts for contemplation this Fall morning.

Am I Back?

I'd like to say I am, but in reality I feel like I have very little time left to me to accomplish as much as I want to before I have surgery on my right hand.

November 15th looms ever closer with each passing day and I can feel that little niggle of panic in the pit of my stomach as each day closes and another one creeps up.

I'm not making excuses folks.

The 'summer' for us Albertans was probably the worst on record. It was miserable and cold and any days that showed sunshine barely made it over 20C.

However!! This weekend we do have a forecast of 27C in our area. We just might get one day of summer now that it is officially over. I won't hold my breath - blue is not my colour.

As for my long absence......

I spent the summer mostly at my brother's, herding folks around as they prepared for the adventure of their life and then sharing laughs and smiles with them upon their return to our rafting center.

This year was much different for me than all the others. My health kept me from participating in most things and I loosened 'my' reins and let others take over my jobs for me. I basically looked after the building and tourists that came in once everyone was out on the river. I enjoyed myself - selling my jewelry and my brother's pottery is always so much fun. Then there's just hanging around with my brother on days when he came back early with the lunch dishes and we swapped tales with sudsy hands and munching on leftovers.

I still love it. I still love making people smile and hearing them scream with fear and delight. At the end of the day, knowing you've given that to a large group of people makes it all worthwhile.

Surprisingly, with the 'summer' we had, we were busier than other years. I put it down to people wanting to go and have fun no matter what the weather. They are more determined to have something to show for their summer than the regular whine us Albertans give.

Now home for a couple of weeks and trying desperately to get in as much myself before I lose the use of my hands, I can certainly relate.

Ahhhhh - Alberta summers!

Where Does The Time Go?

Here it is - July.

What happened to June - what happened to our 'spring'?

Our temperatures are hovering in the low 60's most of the time and this is what we are to be calling our 'summer'.

In other years I have posted pics of 'The Man' putting up our above-ground pool on Canada Day Long Weekend/July 4th Weekend. This year? I'm still wearing my fleece housecoat and warm slippers when I get up in the morning. The summer of early morning swims is something that is not likely to happen this year.

They had overnight frost out where my brother lives - a mere 40 minute drive from The Barn.

Frost? In July? Fortunately I had returned from a weekend of helping out with the rafting or I would have had very cold feet in my little trailer, and the heater would have been going full blast all night. And of course - there's nothing like the freezing seat of a portapotty about 3am. Wakes you right up!

Canadians are known for their complaining about the weather. But really - do you blame us?

At present there are tornadoes and earthquakes and flooding happening a few provinces over from us. Our TransCanada highway got washed away in one of the floods - bringing traffic to a standstill for a week. That's the major highway that runs from one side of Canada to the other. And it got washed out! How does something like that happen?!

Still - One thing that is enduring, is our Queen.

You Just Couldn’t Make This Stuff Up

Sorry folks – but due to health reasons I am finding I haven’t been able to post much let alone visit everyone on a daily basis like I used to. Some days I’m able to get to one or two visits and there are days I don’t visit anyone. I’m hoping that eventually I’ll be able to catch up on everyone – but right now that is just a lovely memory.

Keeping all that in mind – please bear with me. Health is such a fickle mistress isn’t she? (and I haven’t even had my carpal tunnel surgery yet!)

 

Now for the story.

Remember Christmas 2009? Remember the day after when The Man’s new (to us) vehicle burned down in the driveway along with my little trailer that I adore with a passion and that let’s me get out of the barn?

Both the beautiful Touareg and my little trailer were written off. The Touareg because there was nothing left from the dash forward – my trailer because the one side was all bubbled and because it was a vintage trailer (built in 1975). Insurance companies just can’t be bothered to have anything fixed these days – have you noticed?

After much breast beating and howling at the moon – I finally got my trailer settled with the insurance company. Now I have some money to fix it up myself.

Moving on.

The Man works 45 minutes north of The Big Blue Barn. Naturally he needed a vehicle to drive to work to pay the bills. So naturally I let him drive my little red sports car that I’ve had since 1996. I’ve loved that car. No mechanical problems ever – no accidents – nada. I can get in it and GO! if you get my meaning. Another ‘thing’ that made me very happy and it’s been paid for for a long time now.

Remember I live in a part of Canada where it can snow every month of the year? True.

Well – we had an incredible snowstorm in early April. Just down the road south of us there was a 56 car pileup – all accredited to the storm conditions.

Just north of us there was a 2 car collision of which I am more familiar.  The Man – driving my little red sports car – couldn’t stop on the icy road and while trying to avoid the truck in front of him managed to hit it with the front driver side. I got a call at 10:30pm from The Man – yelling above the wind and snow – informing me he was alright. I knew instantly that something was very wrong.

Of course my insurance company – noting the age of my (previously undamaged) vehicle -  wrote it off.  (It still drives like a charm of course).

That meant I had to replace my car while The Man still had to replace his. Sigh. With that in mind I went out in search of a decent vehicle and ended up with a very nice looking and undamaged Saturn Vue. 

Not bad huh?

On the first long weekend (May 24th), The Man and I headed across the border to Great Falls, Montana for a couple of days  to try out the new Vue and to pick up a hitch for towing the vintage trailer once I fix it up again.

We had a lovely weekend and as we left the hotel and turned on to the main street of Great Falls – an older woman sideswiped us.

You just can’t make this stuff up. Really!

Luckily – Saturn (now defunct) came up with an outside body that bounced back upon impacts of a certain force. And because of that we ended up with a tiny scratch on the passenger side wheel rim. The lady shakily drove off while The Man and I did the same.

Oh yes. The Man was driving.

In my mind that adds up to four. Things can’t get any worse – or could they?

Oh yeah. My new roof is leaking once more. Right above my head in my (finally) finished studio.

I count myself lucky. No-one has been injured in any of this. And – it’s supposed to rain here for the next week. At least the front lawn will be very green.

My Mother’s Wedding Dress

Over 60 years ago – my Mother wore this dress proudly down the  aisle on her special day.

For years it sat in an old trunk along with other ‘stuff’ I had saved for whoever knows what reason.

I knew it was there all along but I don’t know how I ever became the owner of it in the first place. Perhaps I asked – perhaps she gave it to me one day in the hopes that I would wear it like she did. I don’t know – parts of my memory are blank pages and although always frustrating, I’ve come to live with it.

What I do know is that I could never have worn it no matter what. I could never even get the sleeve over my arm let alone the dress over my body! Food wasn’t as plentiful during the war and they were married shortly afterwards.

Once renovations were finally completed on the third floor of the big blue barn, I dug it out of the old trunk and took it to a special dry cleaner to have it restored. Then my house guest built a stand for it so that the train of the dress would not touch the floor and get dusty and dirty once more.

Unfortunately the pictures do not show the tiny 3 cluster pearls sewn into the lace bodice here and there. Nor did I take pictures of the tiny satin covered buttons that run down the back of the dress. I often wonder who did all those buttons up for Mom when her hands would have been shaking with anticipation as someone settled the veil on her hair.  Who did up the tiny snaps on the sleeves? I never got around to asking or perhaps it’s one of those blank pages again.

It stands beside my dresser – the stains and dirt gone – the old satin beautiful as it shines in the morning sun. And even though there are blank pages, I’m hoping that looking at it every day when I rise will write new pages that remain forever scribbled upon with the thoughts and dreams of my own that my Mother’s dress causes to impress upon my memory.

 

 

One picture with flash – one without.

 

My World Today

May 29, 2010 – somewhere in central Alberta, Canada

 

 

 

Wish you were here!

It's Getting to be That Time of the Year Again!

I’m sorry I’ve been such a bad on and off blogger this past year but I have been dealing with health issues that have overtaken my life and kept me from being the writer I want to be.

Even yet I am going to lose a good deal of time when I have both of my wrists operated on this coming summer.

Maybe I need a secretary. Any volunteers?

Enough of the excuses and back to the title of this post.

What I mean about it being that time of year again is not any ritual apology about being lazy – but it’s that time of year again for me to help my brother over at Otter Rafting Adventures.

I have been helping him out for over 20 years now and although it’s a ton of work – it’s also a whole lot of fun.

Here’s a clip of my brother Dave (The Otter) and Sam (our winter house guest) and friends.

This is NOT whitewater. It’s just the need of a pair of river gids (guides) to get out on the water – any water - (but the river we run of course) after a VERY LONG winter.

That need is in our blood. There’s simply no getting away from it (unless you’re me with a huge stack of health problems keeping you on the shore).