Wednesday, March 26, 2008

'The Man' Tales - Expectations

I know you are expecting me to say that D’s moving in was all rainbows and fireworks and dancing gnomes – but that isn’t how it turned out to be. Cid’s pain haunted me and upset D as well. He felt terrible when I explained what had happened while he was sitting in the viewing car as the train whistled through the night.

Hugging me close he whispered “I’m sorry. It must be really upsetting for both of you.” I sobbed into his shoulder as I tried to tell him of my own agony. And D being D, could see that - and he could see Cid’s. “I could see how upset he was,” he said as he tightened his arms around me, “and I can understand it. I wouldn’t want to be losing you to another man either.” I felt retched as his words brought back to me the shock on Cid’s face. “Give him a little time. From everything you have told me – Cid is a wonderful man – and he won’t be able to stay away from someone like you - even with me here. Just be patient – he’ll come back.” My sobs slowly died off as I listened to his words. I appreciated his view as a man and I tentatively put my trust in it – and waited.

Now I also know that you are expecting me to say that we flung ourselves into each other’s arms and made love passionately for a solid week. But what you are forgetting is that D arrived with Mono and his exhaustion was obvious in everything he tried to do. His face was scarily pale and he had dark blue circles under his eyes. His clothes hung on him and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t find that overweight teenager I had first met when I looked at him. He was past his infectious stage but there was no knowing how long it would take for him to recover from this debilitating disease.

So instead of the mad passionate lover’s reunion, we cuddled. And we began that age-old journey of discovery.

Eventually his belongings arrived and we went down to the bus station and collected the boxes that held his entire life so far - or at least what he had decided he needed for his future. D tried his best to carry everything by himself, but his fatigue wouldn’t let him – and neither would I. We hauled everything back to the barn and I left him to unpack and went off to work.

Now let me just say something here – and I do so with great embarrassment and shame – but I’m still going to say it. I wasn’t a ‘nice person’. Thankfully I have changed – and almost completely – but I am ashamed of the person I use to be. Back then I went to work with my head held high thinking I was such a great person. I had two men competing for my love – and one was 21 years younger than me. On top of that I considered myself to be a ‘woman of the world’ who knew so much and was so much smarter than my young lover. I looked at him as someone who had no knowledge of the world because he was too young to have experienced anything. I looked at him as someone who could not possibly be smarter than me. And I am ashamed to say that I treated him like that.

As time went on I forgot how ill he was and I expected him to have done the housework and cooked the supper when I got home from work. I expected him to know what I liked to eat and what I didn’t, and I expected him to do everything just the way I always did it. What I got was someone who was too tired to get out of bed during the day. What I got was my young lover still in his pajamas and housecoat because he just couldn’t do anymore. I know I expected him to snap out of it – but with Mono you just don’t. It drags on and on and just lifting your head off the pillow can be exhausting. But my patience wore out quickly and my expectations were ridiculous. What it boiled down to was that I was treating him badly and that I was nothing but a bitch.

And being a bitch I tried to cover it up with smiles and declarations of love while underneath I wanted him to be everything I expected – no matter what. You live with me – you do this and you act like this. My house – my rules. Just like my parents always said.

Honestly? I don’t know why he stayed. I know I wouldn’t have
.

28 comments:

softinthehead said...

Wow another great post! As usual your story leaves me speechless. It's scary how life repeats itself. I'll just hope for the best.

Mima said...

You are a very couragous person to even be trying to build a life together with someone who you have known for such a short time, and Mono is something that takes a little getting used to. Don't be hard on yourself about the learning curve, everyone has to go through it, and it is a really tough process. I just hope for both of you that he has a speedy recovery and that it doesn't linger.

Thanks for visiting my blog, and I now understand why the Spoon Theory would resonate so much!

The Rotten Correspondent said...

I could have sworn I put you on my blogroll forever ago. Oops.

All corrected now!

A Mother's Place is in the Wrong said...

Oh dear Aims, I can see how awful you must feel about that now - with hindsight, which is a wonderful thing! M xx

laurie said...

au contraire, aims...
i didn't expect you to say all went well.

i know you too well by now. all those twists and turns....

CrazyCath said...

Oh Aims how very honest of you!

Hindsight is a wonderful thing don't forget, and from what you have said, you have learned from this as you said you have changed. So if you had never done this, you would have learned nothing.

Always a positive. ;0)
I think you were mothering him imho.

dawn said...

Hindsight is better than no-sight, and there are a lot of people out there who never figure it out. Thanks for your honesty and the side that is hard to share. I have been there, not proud of it either.

Sweet Irene said...

Well, that leaves a lot up in the air then, doesn't it? Were you subconsciously trying to get rid of him? Making it hard for him to stay? I think you were having a great amount of doubts. It is very possible that you shouldn't have turned down Cyd and you were now regretting it.

But hey, I am just a commenter trying to analyze the facts after they have already happened and I am very curious to see what happens next.

Joy T. said...

There isn't a person on the face of the planet who doesn't have regrets or wish they could go back and have a do over. And if they say they don't? I'm callin bull*hit. It's what people learn from those regrets and mistakes that count in my eyes. It's nice to read you've changed.

I Beatrice said...

OMG - they do say we all turn into our mothers in the end!

I'm sure you didn't turn into yours though, and I guess D didn't find you quite as awful as you thought you were.

As always in your story it seems, it was the timing that was bad.

I wonder if we are ever going to hear D's side of that particular period in your lives though? (Just trying, in my not-so-very-subtle fashion - you can't blame me for doing that!)

Living the Dream said...

I think there is a bit of that in all of us, and as everyone else says, we all do things we regret, I know I certainly have. I also suspect you wish you hadn't turned down Cyd, he sounds like the comfort blanket that could wrap around you when needed.

Anonymous said...

Ya know, Aims, it's the realization and admitting what/who we are/were that shows maturity and spirituality. Some people go through life and never admit wrong doings on their part, always laying things on someone/thing else other than themselves. And girl, I've had to look in the mirror of honestly many times and not like what I saw and still see at times. Thanks for sharing.
Margie

Daryl E said...

Sometimes we play forward what we have been played. Sometimes we learn and grow. Sometimes we dont. I am not always a nice person and sometimes I too wonder why my man would stay. The answer is simple. Its a 4 letter word: LOVE .. its why he stayed, its why you changed/grew

dND said...

4 days without Internet and all I could think of was not being able to read the next instalment!

An interesting post, are you leading us one way, back to Cid, or the other with D? I can see both outcomes in my mind.

I also think I understand one of the comments you made on one of my blog posts. The self analysis bit, I do hope getting there was not too traumatic.

aims said...

SITH - And I had always vowed I wouldn't be like my parents...

Mima - The Spoon Theory definitely resonates! For anyone wondering about that - go to Mima's blog to find out about The Spoon Theory - you'll be glad you did.

RC - Why Thank you! Did I grovel too much?

Margot - Yup. I really do feel horrible about it.

Laurie - LOL! That's me!

Crazycath - Mothering him? Hmmmm...
I thought I was tending the sick...

Dawn - The sharing part is very hard - believe me.

Irene - I have never figured it out and I've tried - believe me!

Joy - Absolutely right! How I wish I could have a do over...

Dearest B - Nice try!! You made me laugh!!

Hazel - Sigh.....

Margie - those people stand out like sore thumbs - don't they?

Daryl e - I didn't want to play forward - in fact I had promised myself I never would...and I failed.

Dnd - Oh! 4 days without internet?? Isn't there a law against that somewhere? And to spend it thinking about this blog...now there should be law against that!! :0)

San said...

Hi there. This is my first visit to your blog and I see that I have stumbled into a lovely, in-progress life tale. Such honesty is refreshing.

Lane said...

Who of us can say we're proud of how we behaved 'back then'? I know I certainly can't.

I'm also wondering (like i beatrice) how D felt about his new life. I'm sure you're going to shed some light ...:-)

Daryl E said...

I am passing an award on to you.. come on by and get it!

Charlie Blockhead said...

Congratulations!!! You have been nominated for a 2007 Best Of Blog Award!! Especially designed to bring attention to lower profile bloggers, The BoB’s as we like to call them are currently taking nominations in over 20 different categories. To find out more about how your site has a chance to become one of this year’s Best Of’s and how to nominate other bloggers, visit us at www.thebestofblogs.com. Remember voting begins April 14th so make sure you pass the word to your friends, family, and faithful followers.

Sincerely,
Bill Beck
Project Mgr.
The Best Of Blog Awards
Email:Bloggerbeck@aol.com

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

What a refreshingly honest post and as usual very entertaining. We've all been bitches in our time - that's how we sometimes survive. It's human nature to use our hindsight as a way and means of drawing upon experience so that we don't repeat the errors of the past. Narcissitic people never do that - they have no conscience and therefore rarely learn - but you like most of us have seen who you were and made changes. That is real maturity and growth.

Fab read and I was going to nominate you for a best of blog but I see that someone else has done that for you! Good luck.

Nunhead Mum of One said...

I'm going to have to go right back to the beginning!!!

Mya said...

Hi there,
I just dropped by to say a big thankyou for your kind nomination of my post to David McMahon's authorblog. You are a sweetheart. I just know I'm going to get so hooked on your story. I hope you don't object, I've added you onto my blogroll.
Thanks again!

Mya x

david mcmahon said...

Honesty in writing is a wonderful quality because it shines through like a beacon, attracting readers.

(Thanks for the recommendation you left on my blog, for post of the da - on my way to check it out now)

Mean Mom said...

Hi again. I can't comment too often, as I'm still trying to catch up from the beginning of your blog! I'm up to January. You had a devastating start to your life and I dread to think what would have happened to you, if you hadn't left home when you did.

My childhood was very secure, not perfect of course, but with no major problems. I have still done things that I regret, but I am not sure that I could share, as you have. It's a brave thing to do. Will be back as soon as I can.

aims said...

San - I'm glad you made a visit. Hope you come back often...

Lane - I'm talking 40's instead of 20's - you'd have thought I would have learned by then - but no - I was so proud of my 'bitch' status.

Daryl e - Oh my goodness! I am absolutely overwhelmed! I will post it on my sidebar with pride! Thank you!

Charlie Blockhead - Woohoo!! A nomination!!

MOB - You don't know how good it is to see you out and about again!! And thanks for thinking of me for that nomination! And good luck with yours as well!!

Nunhead - Oh dear! I hope you have plenty of spare time then..it is getting rather long in the tooth now..

Mya- I hope you don't mind that I've added you to mine as well. I just loved that post and I'm sure David will too!

David - I think I've referred you to two or three now..I know you'll enjoy them as much as I have.

Mean Mom - Sometimes - after I've hit the 'publish' button - I cringe. It is very hard to share my life like this - but very cathartic too...and hopefully it will help someone else who is going through similar things.

John-Michael said...

You bring to mind "As much as we may resent our Teachers ... we learn, in life, what we are taught." and, "What we resent most in others ... is what we fear most in our Selves."

I ache for Your pain.

lisa marie said...

I don't think I could have been with someone that much younger than me. I would have been a bitch too. I would have coddled them and treated them like a kid.

Anonymous said...

Read this before too, but the courage it took D is absolutely amazing to me; sick as he was. Talk about a trooper. I personally don't think you were being a bitch. Of course I'm prejudiced, without the pride, but you had gone through so much and were really torn in so many directions. It was just a hard time and a transitional time. That's all Pook.