Monday, March 10, 2008

'The Man' Tales - Maybe Everything Wasn't Lost

Time eroded away at my life like water does with sand. I felt like I was standing on a beach and the water was pulling my life out from under my toes and washing it out to sea. I found myself wondering what was the matter with me – was I expecting too much out of life? I even questioned leaving The Beater – perhaps a life of being beaten every single day was what I deserved. Perhaps I really was a bad person that no one would ever be interested in or truly love. When I was growing up I never imagined in a thousand years that I would still be single in my 40’s. I would catch myself watching couples – especially happy couples - and my heart would ache. I would stare at their hands clasped together and imagine someone holding mine. I would unconsciously lean forward as they kissed; closing my eyes as I remembered what it was like. I smiled for the outside world, but every night, alone in my bed, I cried myself to sleep.

My friendship with Cid remained a friendship and I didn’t press him for more. I figured that if he was going to fall in love with me – he would have years ago. We spent every weekend doing something on one of the days and the rest of the week we talked on the phone. It wasn’t unusual for us to talk for a couple of hours a night or three and four times a day. My Mom had gotten use to his phone calls at work and had even turned to him many times for legal advice, especially since Dad had died. The employees all believed that Cid and I had ‘gone all the way’ and refused to believe me when I told them we were ‘just friends’. I would think about this in the small hours of the morning, and wonder why Cid had never progressed beyond the hugs and kisses we enjoyed. It made me question my ‘lovability’ even more.

One night as I sat in front of the fire, the phone rang and rang. I thought it was for my nephew and I let it ring for a bit before finally picking it up. Exasperated I said an abrupt “Hello?”

“Um….Hello. It’s me.”



“Is everything okay? Are you okay?”

“Yes – Everything is fine.”

“Wow. Okay then. Well – I never expected to hear from you again.”

“That’s why I’m calling. I made a mistake too.”

“What do you mean you made a mistake?”

“Well. You remember I said I had found someone else?”

“That was hard to forget.”

“Well, when I finally got together with Shadow Dancer --- all I could think of was you.”

“What do you mean by that?” My heart was pounding in my throat and I could hardly breathe by this point – in fact – I forgot about breathing for a bit as I waited for his answer.

“This is so hard for me to say. Shadow Dancer and I got together for a weekend like we did. She came to Ottawa and picked me up.”

I thought of my long drive to Ottawa and my heart clenched when I thought of Dragosani arranging another weekend with someone else. But how could I judge him?! I had done far worse with John, and I was incredibly ashamed about that. All I could say was, “Okay.”

“It was all a mistake, and I knew it.”

“How did Shadow Dancer take it?”

“She wasn’t happy about it – I can tell you that.” The silence stretched a bit as I let his words drift through my brain. “I told her that I was in love with you and that I had needed to find that out.”

My heart leaped up to the moon when I heard those words as tears ran down my face and caught in my smile. “Oh D!”


dND said...

There are tears in my eyes.

Lane said...

I had a feeling about this! Yay.... I hope I'm right:-)

But then in the title of your post you say Maybe?

I hope this turns out right... or at least for the best.

Dusty Spider said...

Hope this works out for you. Please be careful with yourself.
Hugs to you. Flick x

Living the Dream said...

I am holding my breath.....don't leave us waiting too long.

david mcmahon said...

Major suspense for us ....

merry weather said...

Thought-provoking and well-told - what about Cid? That's intriguing...

Amy said...

Cool! I'm happy D made another appearance. And I hope things worked out better this time.

A Mother's Place is in the Wrong said...

Oh Aims, please not another roller-coaster! I just can't stand it! M :)

lisa marie said...

Touching! Anxiously waiting. . .

Potty Mummy said...

Is he or isn't he The Man? (Not that I can't stand the waiting, but.... I CAN'T STAND THE WAITING!)

softinthehead said...

Uh oh!

Canadian flake said...

omggggggggg omgggg I am sitting here jumping up and down...I can not WAIT to read what happened next...omgggggggg can't

I have to say that your writing amazes me...every single post has me lost in the moment...waiting to see what happens next..

I think you rock!!!

Sweet Irene said...

God Aims, your writing is so good lately. What have you done? Have you secretly been taking literature writing classes?

Anyway, this is getting to be very interesting and now I can't wait for the next post, but you will keep us hanging.

I hope he gets his butt up there in a hurry and maybe join the family business and marry you, or something like that.I am just trying to get you guys together in all possible ways, because you do stay in the Big Blue Barn, after all.

I Beatrice said...

I think I'm going to have to stop leaving comments here - since at every stage I seem to be left with the need to eat my hat! I've started on the one my son brought me back from Bondi Beach now - it's specially toughened to withstand the sun's rays, so you can imagine what it's doing to the lining of my stomach!

Am very happy for you now though - at least I THINK I am......

Thanks for your comment to me btw. It's very nice to know one is not entirely forgotten.


ooooh oooooh oooooooh .........
Am very excited

dawn said...

Life is so weird sometimes.

John-Michael said...

Do I allow Hope to come back to life?

Stinking Billy said...

aims, Canadian Flake said it all. I'm betting she's only been a flake since starting to read your blog. Great stuff,

Billy Flake

Maggie May said...

I like your style. I'm not sure if I've stumbled on a serial, real or fantasy or whether I will have to go back to the beginning! Maybe you could briefly say! I will be back!

Maggie May said...

Many thanks for coming to my blog to explain your story.
I have read the Ani stories & will be back & read a few more everyday. I think I am hooked. Was a bit shocked to read about your childhood. Things were more cruel when I was young but you went through exceptional neglectful abuse. I will catch up with your present writing eventually!

SandyCarlson said...

Powerful stuff. Be kind to yourself. Expect the best.

aims said...

Dnd - I'm so sorry - but it is a sad story isn't it?

Lane - Keep your fingers crossed!

Dusty Spider - Thank you so much for this.

Hazel - Please remember to breathe at least! I still have to write the next few posts...

David - What can I say?

Merry - Good to see you again - I'll get back to Cid - I promise!

Amy - I was happy too!

Margot - We are all going to have to take something for dizziness (or nausea)...

Lisa Marie - Thanks girl!

Potty Mummy - Are you saying you want me to get on with the story?

SITH - Good one!

Canadian Flake - LOL!

Irene - No writing lessons - no. But thanks for that!

Dearest B - Oh my friend! You made me laugh!! Now - don't you dare stop leaving comments - I'd be devastated! Perhaps a little salt on that hat might help?! And you know you are never forgotten!!

(in case some of my readers have not been to visit IBeatrice - you should - her novel 'as an online experiment' is a wonderful one that a person can get lost in....I loved it! - and wish it had never ended...)

MC - well hold on - there's still lots to tell!

Dawn - what an understatement!

John-Michael - well - for a little bit anyway...

Billy - You're so silly!! :)

Maggie May - Thanks so much for your comments. You'll have to set aside some time to catch up...

Sandy - Thanks for your visit and your comments too!

Popkins said...

See,hope springs eternal...just when you thought things were soo bad...Dragosoni calls...Shadow Dancer was just an experiment, I reckon. He had to go to see what a true love he had in you.

Devotedly yours, Popkins

P.S. And get back to sweet Cid. Fank oo.