Friday, March 7, 2008

'The Man' Tales - I Had To Try Once More

I avoided the computer for days while I berated myself for succumbing to my loneliness. Memories of Dragosani tortured me and I would find myself living in those few happy moments I had shared with him in the past. While I avoided the computer, I kept reminding myself that I had not actually seen any evidence that Dragosani and Shadow Dancer were together. It had only been a thought that had leaped into my head when I saw how familiar they were with each other.

With that in mind I got up my courage once more and crept back into the Parlor. It only took a few minutes before I saw that they were chatting and had been for some time already that evening. Getting up my nerve, I made my entrance as Ani and went and sat at the bar. I could almost hear Dragosani’s neck crack as his head whipped up when he noticed my name. Taking a deep breath I typed one letter.

‘D?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Um – are you busy?’

‘Ummmm – Yeah Ani – I’m right in the middle of something.’

In little letters I posted, ‘I’m Sorry.’

‘Okay. Nice to see you again,’ he posted.

With a leaden heart I watched as he took up his chat again with Shadow Dancer. Once more I shut down the computer in a hurry and dashed out into the night.

For the next couple of days I beat myself up better than anyone else had ever tried to. How I hated that I had been so lonely that a couple of dances would make me forget about the promises I had made to wait for Dragosani while he finished school. How I hated that I had fallen for such a smooth dancer and talker. I went around in circles as I tried to figure out what the whole John thing had been about. I hated myself for giving in and giving up Dragosani.

Feeling like I had nothing to lose, I decided to call him on the phone. I needed to tell him that I was sorry about John and I needed to hope that I still might have a chance. When I heard his soft voice once more coming across the wire I started to cry.

“D? I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am about everything and about writing you that letter. I was just so lonely and it seemed like we would never be together no matter how much we wanted it. After I wrote it my mother cut off the internet and I couldn’t go online and explain that to you. I’m really sorry D – you don’t know how sorry I am.”

“Yeah – well. I got that letter the day before Christmas. I didn’t speak to anyone during the entire Christmas break. I can’t explain what it did to me.”

“I’m really sorry D. Really. I, um"… The seconds that ticked by sounded like eternity crashing up against the universe and I watched the clock helplessly. "I was wondering if you had found someone else in the meantime?”

“Yes I have.”

As I listened to the silence that stretched between us after those last words, I felt what little hope I had talked myself into, plummet to the ground and die.

“I hope you find happiness then D. Again – I’m really sorry. I guess it’s good-bye then.”

“Yes it is. Good-bye.”

18 comments:

John-Michael said...

How tragic ... this pitiable human condition wherein we do not allow ourselves to respect and treat with dignity, the passing failings and mistakes of others. Such a loss ... and such a scar each such occurrence leaves on our spirit. He excuses his insensitive injury to you with his resentment of your unwitting injury to him. He loses an opportunity to mature and refine his character.

Sweet Irene said...

Lord have mercy, it was not meant to be then. How very sad, or is there a light at the end of the tunnel anyway?

dawn said...

How very sad. It is so terrible when we make choices and they don't work out how we planned and we hurt the ones we love in the process. Some find forgiveness in time, other not. A wonderfully moving part in your man tales.

Breezy said...

Aims you have obviously moved on from this as you said you remembered your time together with a fond smile. I'm reluctant to completely shut the door on D though as you are taking us through so many twists and turns here. One part of me says oh yes young lad he'll heal quickly and find someone else to fall in love with. The other mmmm I don't know

I Beatrice said...

Sad for you at the time, Aims! But all for the best as things turned out, wasn't it? And after all, it can only have been a good thing for D that he should have been left to go through all the proper boyhood experiences....

I somehow felt you'd have been cheating him of that, had you kept him for yourself. But perhaps, again, I speak as the doting mother of two sons....?

I Beatrice said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
I Beatrice said...

Sorry that came through twice - once would probably have been more than enough! Can you delete one?

Living the Dream said...

It's the honesty that hurts so much isn't it? Please God let there be a happy ending to all this?

softinthehead said...

Oh Aims so sad, but all part of the journey that brought you The Man.

travelling, but not in love said...

gosh. I'm not sure what to say....

lisa marie said...

Wow! Again, I understand both sides. I hurt for both.

Stinking Billy said...

aims, you are a mistress of intrigue, you really are. People get caught up in your story, intelligent people, but we seem incapable of second-guessing you.

We simply want more. Just keep it coming, baby, keep it coming.

Daryl E said...

Aw .. aim ..

Just wanted to stop by and say thanks for the well wishes and say I really only played online email/blog while waiting on the tea kettle to whistle ... but then I read your last 2 posts .. you are a strong gal ..

dND said...

Hi aims,

I so torn between wanting the next instalment but yet not, because of the pain. Life is not a breeze, mental abuse, doesn't show to others only those who endure it, but I believe in my Grandmother's saying. "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger"

And you are obviously made of strong stuff

Deborah

Nunhead Mum of One said...

I shall have to start at the very beginning Aims......I've missed a lot!

NMO x

Canadian flake said...

Wow...soooooo sad...I am sitting here with tears streaming down my cheeks.

So sorry that it ended this way...I am looking forward to reading what came next.

mutleythedog said...

Oddly I have forgotten who Dragosani is... still he sounds perfectly foul. You are better off without him - and you still have me!!

aims said...

John-Michael - The mistakes we make when we are young - and when we are older!

Irene - Yes Irene - there was a small small light - but it grew!

Dawn - Wouldn't life be easy if there was a written plan to every life and all we had to do was follow the instructions. Of course it wouldn't be near as interesting.

Breezy - The twists and turns were so very painful obviously. I have not forgotten them at all.

Dearest B - How wise you are my friend. I would have been cheating him of that!

Hazel - There is indeed a happy ending....eventually!

SITH - Yes - but did it have to be so long and convoluted?

TBNIL - I know - you were cheering for D weren't you?

Lisa Marie - Yes - both sides hurt - how true.

Billy - I'm trying sweetie - I'm trying!

Daryl e - I hope you get over that cough sooner than soon girl!

Dnd - not as strong as you would think - not at all.

Nunhead - well - to tell the truth - the story does need to be read from the beginning - it really helps. Sorry...

CF - Oh dear - I'm sorry I upset you. I can see you have a huge heart!

Mutley - Oh you! If I had a tail I'd wag it!